AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

No.

Also, what other type of niece is there than a female niece?

😱

If I died, I wouldn’t feel anything. It’s kind of part and parcel of being dead.

Good point. How do you feel about that thought now? Your own daughter going into care? How does that make you feel?

Also, can I ask what sort of world you think we would have if everyone put themselves first all the time, including above children?

Also, you don't actually know that for sure. No one does.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself ahead of other people's children. Men are never expected to make these same self sacrifices for others.

I suspect you've been raised by a people pleaser, like I was. The kind that always puts themselves second (bit of a martyr about it behind the scenes my mother too), feels like they 'have' to do the right thing, rises if someone has a need no matter the cost to them because 'you have to'.

It's been a very important part of adapting to the demands caring has on me to learn to say no, to have boundaries, to know my limitations and to know it is okay to say no, even if it upset someone else. I am no less important than those I care for. In some ways more so, because if I fall apart, the back up options are less ideal.

You can say no even if it makes you look bad, even if people don't understand, even if they judge you. Sometimes it's even the right thing to do.

Even recently when I told my mother she didn't have to host unknown to her relative visiting from overseas and could say no, she said, "Oh you can't do that!" I told her, "Yes, you can!"

It's really quite liberating to not feel beholden to expectations all the time.

As unrealistic a world as one where people never put themselves first.

People are not, and never have been, binary. This is another clumsy appeal to emotion.

I wonder if OP is ever going to return to this thread?

I don’t really know why people are getting so outraged over the small amount of details we know about the situation?

Without hearing the sisters side and reasoning it’s unfair that she’s being ripped to shreds online for not giving up her life for a child she didn’t bring into the world.
It’s surprising that the hate isn’t directed towards the parents that had children and abandoned them because they are the only ones who are responsible for ruining their lives.

OP’s niece is in a comfortable enough situation that sharing a room is inconvenient enough to turn down a roof over her head based on the information we have. That doesn’t sound like someone desperate and terrified does it?

I would move heaven and earth to keep her out of care.

Here you are OP, another volunteer to take in your niece.

People put their own children ahead of themselves all the time. Given there are four adults in the sister’s household, I’m guessing she’s done just that before now. But any child? I don’t know why you would think she or anyone has to do that.

Your sister is a twat. But knowing what you know I don’t think I’d want the child to live with a woman who didnt want her

What the hell happened to your sister (the mother of these children) to make her so irresponsible and incapable? Abandoning children left right and centre it seems? Where is she now?

There's an internet concept called "bean soup theory" which posits that if something offends you it may just not apply to you, making the outrage unnecessary. For instance, if someone is saying "an affluent adult with adult children should probably look after her own teenage niece" and what you're hearing is, "all impoverished widows should adopt ten profoundly disabled toddlers" something has gone wrong.

It's the principle that other people make assumptions about people's lives, judge their reasons (which they may not even know and may also involve assumptions), and disrespect the autonomy of another person over such a huge commitment that I have a problem with. It's easy to make decisions for other peoples lives, spend other people's money and sit on a high horse when it's not in your stable.

If she were my niece I would take her in regardless of the lack of room you say in the house! Family is family and that young girl needs stability and love and she would get it. Your sister is a despicable and selfish person!

We are having some lovely people today. First the vile landlord, now this. I can't believe how many people have said she's being unfair.

Disgusting reply.

I’ll learn to live with your disapproval.

I'm sorry that you and your children have health problems - but I don't understand how what you describes relates to my comment?

Of course I understand why some people can't take on caring responsibilities for a niece, but from what the OP describes, it is more of a case of her sister not wanting to do it rather than not being able to.

Of course we only have one side of the story in relation to the OPs situation, which is why my advice to her was about focussing on her niece.

The rest of my comment was aimed at people, particularly those with children, on this thread who were very much in the won't rather than can't category - posters who say they wouldn't do it simply because it would disrupt their own nuclear families, not because they are dealing with their own issues.

It demonstrates a distinct lack of empathy - I would take my nieces and nephews in a heartbeat, because if something happened to me and my DH, I would want our siblings to look after our children, and luckily I know they would.

If I had relatives like the people on this thread who would rather see their nieces or nephews end up in care because it might be a bit inconvenient for them, I would personally want very little to do with them (but I would still be there for their children if it was needed).

Also - you don't know what job I do in children's services, so not sure how you can claim to have trained people to do it 🤔

I have empathy and I have adopted two highly complex children whose needs have subsumed my life. I still would advocate for it being absolutely okay for the OP’s sister to say she doesn’t WANT to continue as a full-time carer for the teen niece.

If you've worked in children's services, I could probably have trained you, but that doesn't really matter and I won't say how.

Disruption to the family is a completely sensible consideration. Where is the empathy for the other children and people who will be affected? They deserve consideration too. There doesn't have to be real hardship to justify why a parent doesn't think the disruption is in their own child's best interests.

OP's sister has taken the niece and it's clearly not working for her, for whatever reason. The fact she can't wait for it to end is telling that this can't be the best place for the niece to be placed anyway.