AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

Could you ask her if she has read Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Perhaps it will convict her, as a Christian woman.

She absolutely has the right to make that decision, and should make that decision if she deems it best for herself and the family she’s actually responsible for. Whether she has the means is irrelevant - she doesn’t want to. The OP can make the same decision if that suits her.

If OP or anyone is inclined to be angry then there’s even less point being angry at the sister who is responsible for none of this.

This is an awful position your sister has put you in, and her daughter in.
I can imagine you are considering taking in the niece yourself, despite already doing that already with her younger sister.
Would there be a chance of financial assistance if you took the older girl in? They would have to pay a care home or fosterer, so they might as well pay you?
Ultimately, this is not your responsibility, but I can tell it will not sit well with you if she goes into care.

Actually, it can be traumatic reparenting society’s most vulnerable and disadvantaged children. A huge proportion of foster carers, adopters and kinship carers do end up with secondary trauma, PTSD and compassion fatigue. Therapeutic parenting is a full-time ‘job’ that often brings little ‘reward’ as some children are so harmed by their prenatal and early years experiences, that they can be unable to form healthy attachments or actually feel safe living in a family home. There are extremely high levels of child on parent/carer violence and abuse and very little meaningful support from professionals - and I’m not just talking ask your LA to build you an extension. The OP has admitted that her six-year-old is extremely challenging. Not all siblings who have experienced chaotic and dysfunctional home environments have healthy relationships instead they can have what is called trauma bonds. It can sometimes be in each child’s best interests for them to be separated and placed in different family settings. There’s a lot of black and white thinking on this thread but the complexities of helping traumatised children to start to heal requires more nuanced understanding and thinking.

As a single person, I have adopted two stranger babies, both of whom have significant disabilities and neurodivergences, so I’m not sure I can be vilified for being selfish. After everything I have learned and experienced over the past 18 years as an adoptive parent, I would counsel caution to the OP and I absolutely do not blame the OP’s sister for putting on her own oxygen mask first. The 14-year-old’s two aunts can continue to be a supportive presence in her life and can advocate for her and help her on her pathway to adulthood.

Why is it the easiest thing possible for the sister, yet something terrible the OP would have to “suck up” if she did it herself?

I think it’s you who needs to grasp reality.

It sounds like your sister who took her in originally might not be much of a step-up from your other sister who abandoned her. If she is, as you say, an easy and well behaved teen this is utterly heartless. In your circumstances I would be disgusted, but honestly you can’t make your sisters into good people.

You are obviously a lovely person OP putting the needs of your nieces as top priority, your sister is cold hearted and the responsible parents awful to have so many unwanted children.
I wish you and your nieces all the best

Should is a futile word. What you or I believe the sister 'should' do is immaterial; that's even if we knew her specific circumstances or the actual basis of her decision. That decision is taken - as she indeed has the right to do - and no amount of compassion or 'grasp of reality' is going to affect that one iota. Her answer is 'no'.

OP cannot control what others do. She can only control her own actions, and she in turn has the right to make her own decision as to whether or not to provide a home for her niece. Yes, she can be angry with her sister if she so chooses, but it's a waste of negative energy as it's impossible to proceed on any other basis.

The rest of the thread is just hot air, a lot of assumptions that women's primary function in life is that of default carers, and a whole lot more absolutely pointless anger and rumination. What exactly does this achieve?

"Just because she's a niece." As if that's nothing!

Entirely agree.

There are some stone-cold hearts on this thread. God help us all, indeed. It's actually a great peep into what society has become. Everyone out for themselves.

It's not "nothing " . But its not the sisters job to be the default parent if she doesn't want to . Why is it always assumed that women will take on a caring role for close relatives 🙄. Why should op sister give up the life she envisioned for herself and her own family unit once her children had grown up and to then start parenting a young teen , the op sister could well be coming to retirement age by the time the child is an adult . And then what has she done with her life other than raise children who aren't hers. Its unreasonable

I would be saying exactly the same thing about an uncle. In OP's situation, it's an aunt.

I find this offensive. I have adopted two stranger children. I have also fostered for a decade. I still don’t think that either sister should be compelled to take on the niece permanently. I don’t have a cold heart. I do have nearly 20 years of dealing with children’s social care and I do understand the failings of the system, inside and out. I would not currently recommend fostering or adoption to anyone. What are your caring stripes?

@ForCosyLion

I think what rubs some people up the wrong way is that you have said some very harsh things about people who exercise their freedom not to raise a child family member who isn't theirs.

You say people should have their freedom, and you do accept that people are entitled to it, but you are very harshly judgemental of those who make use of certain freedoms.

You are very lucky that you don't understand why it might not be possible for some people to take on another child, even if they might want to in other circumstances.

I train people to do jobs like yours. Or did before I was forced to stop working because of a genetic issue it seems all my children have turned out to have. And I only trained people to try to stay in the field because it fit better with everyone else's needs than working in the field. I even said to my DH the other day it was just as well we didn't have more as I just don't know how I'd keep up with all the appointments. Let alone adding another to the mix with their own needs related to trauma to meet. I just couldn't do it. I've just started antidepressants to help make it a little easier to cope with the day to day demands as my youngest child is now being investigated for the same genetic issue - and you can bet they will have it.

So, in this instance, yes, I certainly do understand why sometimes you just can't do it. The niece has someone who has the time to commit to their needs, as do my own children. I'm also not less important than those I care for. My health, which sometimes suffers, matters so I can keep caring for those I already do.

I think two things can be true at once:

• the needs of a vulnerable 14yo should take precedence over those of any adults concerned, and;
• no particular adult can, or should, be forced to take care of a child in difficult circumstances.

Again, care or otherwise, what this girl will need is sensible, caring adults looking out for her.

I mean, you have multiple children, all of whom seem to have a genetic illness. I really don't think anyone would expect you to take in a niece under your circumstances.

But if I'm the only option or she goes into care? I mean, I'd want to, but my own children have to be my priority first. I would really struggle not to do it but sometimes you just have to admit you are at capacity and can't do it.

I've recently had this kind of conversation with my parents who are getting older, to make them very aware of my limitations. Somehow everyone seems to think I'm a bottomless well of resource. In that case it felt harsh but it was the kindest thing to just be honest so they knew where things stood.

The whole point of it though is that sometimes you can't, or even if you can you shouldn't, and that doesn't make you a heartless person.

Not all freedoms should be exercised. We are all free to sleep with other people's spouses if they'll have us, and I don't think anyone would support THAT freedom. There is a big difference between protecting your right not to be forcibly sterilised and protecting your right to be selfish. The former is a matter of human rights and the latter is not morally defensible. Yes, you have the freedom to be selfish. But should you exercise that freedom? Imagine if everybody in society exercised their right to be selfish. Where would we be then?

But you have good reasons not to take a niece. The OP's sister seems to have no good reason.

She has her reasons and OP may not even know what they are. I sometimes find it easier to just remind myself that I'm not privy to the details of everyone's life or reasonings. Most people have good intentions. It's better that she say no than say yes and not be up to the task.

@ForCosyLion

I don't think there's a single, one-size-fits all answer here.

Perhaps in many cases, it could be argued that someone should not exercise their freedom not to take in a child.

But there are perhaps equally as many cases where they should exercise it.

I don't think it's as simple as saying that the freedom not to raise a child that isn't yours (even if they are a family member) should not be exercised and that anyone who does so is horrible person.

It’s fine if it’s not morally defensible to you. No one has to justify themselves or answer to you, so it doesn’t need to be 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don’t have to like what someone decides to do in order to respect their right to make their own choices.

The vast majority of people aren’t signing up to be foster carers in order to save teenage girls from the care system. OP’s sister is no more or less selfish than anyone else that’s not volunteering to take on children they aren’t responsible for, related or not. And yes, she and they absolutely should exercise their freedom to make that choice if that is what they deem best for themselves, their families, and their own lives.

She doesn’t need a reason beyond ‘I don’t want to’. If she does have a reason beyond that, she’s not obliged to provide it to anyone that thinks she needs to justify herself to them.

When you consider that the alternative is care, though...it wouldn't be such a big deal if the sister said no and there was another suitable relative, but the only other option is care. I just shudder when I think of a fourteen-year-old girl being in the care system. We have heard from some pp about what it was like for them and some of the outcomes that are likely. I just couldn't do it to my nieces, and I can't understand those who say that they wouldn't and that that's totally fine. Hearts of stone.