AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

I'm respecting her right to make her own choices. I'm not advocating that she be forced. I'm marvelling at how anyone can be so cold-hearted as to toss their niece into care. Especially when her niece is ALREADY living with her! She's not just refusing to take her, she's kicking her out and into the care system. I mean, you surely must admit, that's icy.

But OP's sister might well end up taking her on in order to avoid such an outcome, even though she's already doing her share by bringing up another niece. So OP will end up even more stretched while her sister "protects her peace," and that's how selfish people get away with these things. Makes me mad. In most families, though, there's someone who does a lot of care (this usually shows up in elder care) while a sibling or siblings go on their merry way with minimal life disruption. Yet they're there like a shot with their hands out for their inheritance.

One of my fondest wishes is that selfish people experience the proportionate amount of karma.

I find it doesn't pay too much to analyse people's reasons anyway. I always keep in mind that I don't know the details of people's lives, just as most people don't know the details of mine. I don't have to understand, just accept their position.

Maybe you should privately message the OP and organise to take in her niece? Then there is another option and you don't have to shudder.

No-one is saying OP's sister isn't doing it to protect her peace. We don't know why she isn't doing it.

I'm not saying she should be compelled. I'm saying she's gross for kicking her niece out of her house and into care. Her own niece, not a stranger.

I have plenty of caring stripes, thank you. There was my niece that I've written about on this thread but also two other family members that I gave up my job and a life of my own to care for. They've both since died. But I'm not going into details on here for people to pull what I did apart, thank you.

Lol, ‘karma’. What’s the saying? Wishes on one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

It’s also fine if you don’t understand why others would make a different choice. You don’t need to do that, either. That you’re angry about it is very much a you problem.

The sister has already gone above and beyond by taking her in at all. She isn’t ‘getting away’ with anything - it’s not her responsibility to get away from. If OP wants to assume it as hers then that’s up to her. She decides for herself, not for her sister.

I don't live in the UK right now. Plus, that's not how it works. Plus, this is not about people refusing to take in strangers. This is about throwing your own niece to the wolves. I have been very clear about that. I'm not going on about people not taking in strangers, am I?

And I've taken in strangers' kids for emergency foster care, not even just family. My life is not my own due to caring for family members now too. I wouldn't take on foster care for a niece, even if I wanted to because I know I just can't.

I've seen enough in my professional days to know that wrong placements aren't good, and that people's lives are way more complex than most people in their circle know, so I've learned not to judge and accept that I don't have to understand their choice, just accept it and move on.

Actually, a number of the people I've seen stepping up to do foster care have just stepped up and offered. They are checked out then, of course, but it's generally worked well. Usually family friends or just acquaintances.

It's not her legal responsibility, no. But considering the dangers of the care system, I think it's her moral duty.

You really don't think that turning a 14-year-old female niece over to take her chances in the care system is at all cold?

Not necessarily, no. Depends on the reasoning (which none of us, including OP, can be sure they know).

As you say, you are already doing caring duties. OP's sister doesn't seem to have any reason beyond just being selfish. If she did have a good reason, she would have told OP what it is.

She doesn't SEEM to. But she might. You don't know. And no, she might not have told OP. There are lots of things I don't tell people to protect the privacy of others. If they can't take it at face value, then that is their problem to deal with.

I have no doubt a lot of people are going to call me selfish for my approach to my parents' aging issues, but they don't know my life or what solutions I have tried to offer. So judge away.

Well, we can only go on what OP has said. Which is that her sister has room but just doesn't want her fun interrupted, and that the niece is well-behaved.

I do hope that this niece goes on to make a real success of her life, and that she shares none of the spoils with her aunt and doesn't bother with her if the time comes when the aunt needs help.

Sometimes the most successful people come from beginnings that were tough in some way.

You think it’s her moral duty? She doesn’t, so that’s that.

I don’t think it cold, hot, or even temperate. I don’t judge her morally at all. I have no inclination to do so.

But you are doing caring duties, you said. Whether for your parents or others, you have your hands full.

You realise OP may be completely wrong?

Yes, hopefully the niece does well and is one of the ones who succeeds in spite of the life her parents brought her into.

I do, but people will still judge. Let them.

I don't know if you have kids, but if you do or did, imagine you died. How would you feel about a sibling of yours turning over your 14-year-old daughter to the care system?

You are an absolutely awful person.

This is why you have conversations and appoint willing guardians in your will before you die, to avoid this. If something changes with your appointed guardians, you change your will to account for it. Essential action as soon as you have a child.

We’d all be fucking adults.

She doesn’t want to. That’s the best reason of all.

I’m not sure what relevance that has, beyond being a clumsy appeal to emotion.

Feeling that someone should do something does not mean they’re morally bound to even if you would, or that they’d be doing anything wrong by not doing it.

You don’t want to know what my fondest wish is for you.