AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

You really, really don't want to live in a world where women can be forcibly sterilised. There are times in history when this has happened, and it was nothing short of horrific. People should have their freedom, even if they do make bad decisions.

@PracticalPolicy I and my two other brothers couldn't take him. He is now in care and running away and drinking. I wouldn't have wanted that in my house. I chose never to have kids of my own and I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

God, this is COLD.

I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted to be put into care if your dad had died.

Three aunts/uncles and no one would take him, and now he's in a bad spiral. That poor thing. 😭

What this thread shows is that some people just really do not care. It's an eye-opener.

She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.

So who are these three other adults in the home that you are also insisting provide care for a vulnerable teenager? Do none of those people get an option either?

How awful for the poor kid. It is not your sisters fault nor responsibility though to take her in. I know that it might seem selfish of her but if she has chosen not to have kids herself it is for a reason. I get your sadness and frustration though. Them poor poor children though I feel so very sorry for them.

People should have their freedom… unless it’s the freedom not to take on someone else’s child? In which case they’re “sick”, “wicked” and “evil” according to you?

You don’t even realise what a hypocrite you are. Or how, beneath your banshee-like screeching about caring you are compared to all the terrible cold people on this thread, you’re actually the most unkind person here.

A few posters are referencing that there will be no support for the niece, either from social services now or at 18. There is nothing stopping either aunt support the child or being involved in their life if they are in care, it isn't a binary choice of full time care or walk away.
The young people who struggle the most when leaving the care system are often those who either have no family support/broken relationships, or where the family they are in touch with still have a lot of issues (eg returning to abusive parents because it's all they have)

Professional support could never replace the support a family would usually provide for a young adult (at least, not unless there is a massive overhaul of the expectation for young care leavers to leave home at 18 when society rarely expects that for 18yr olds generally now)

There are many children in care whose wider family are involved including going for sleepovers/holidays, having them join meetings and advocate for them etc. Having that network can make a huge difference to the experiences and outcomes for young people in care.

I can't believe you're equating a child being tossed into the care system with forced sterilisation.

I’m not. I’m equating forced sterilisation with being forced to raise a child that isn’t yours and that you don’t want.

Your anger is misdirected - it's the birth parents you should be furious at! Your sister has stated that she is not able to help in this way and you need to respect that. It's a huge ask of anyone, and while I understand you are disappointed, you need to try to understand and help come up with an alternative solution.

Your anger and frustration at your sister is misplaced here. Just because shes a niece does not mean anyone is obliged to take her in. You say your sister has no young children, all driving etc. Your sister is probably looking forward to finally getting her life back after raising her own children . And shes not in the wrong for wanting that. We can all live our lives the way we want and your sister doesn't owe you an explanation, no is enough.

Quite simply if your sister does not want your niece living there she should not be guilted in taking on the responsibility.

She clearly isn't going to be, so there's an awful lot of wasted wind and hot air being blown about on this thread.

OP evidently isn't returning, either.

It takes significantly more then that to raise a teenager especially a traumatised one

But NOBODY is saying the sister should be FORCED. Some of us are saying it's appalling that she would rather her niece go into the care system than give her a safe place from that nightmare for the remaining years of her childhood. There is no mention of forcing the sister at all.

I really, really hope you can see that forced sterilisation is a human rights issue and has nothing to do with the situation we are discussing here. How can you equate the two? 🤢 Women HAVE been forcibly sterilised, and their experiences should not be co-opted to make a false equivalence. Highly recommend you look up their stories before making such an offensive comparison.

I really wouldn't lose any sleep at all over women AND men, who have already been found to be neglectful, chaotic and unsafe to have children in their care, being forcibly sterilised.

Not one wink.

But NOBODY is saying the sister should be FORCED. Some of us are saying it's appalling that she would rather her niece go into the care system than give her a safe place from that nightmare for the remaining years of her childhood. There is no mention of forcing the sister at all.

So you’re not advocating forcing her at gunpoint. Well whoop-di-fucking-doo for you. You must feel so proud.

Highly recommend you look up their stories before making such an offensive comparison.

Highly recommend you don’t dismiss other people’s comments as offensive whilst spouting trite nonsense about how it’s “only four years” that demonstrates almost zero grasp of reality. You want an offensive comparison? How about you equating raising a troubled teen with doing little more than offering full board lodgings?

I personally don’t think it’s fair to blame your sister , also the child aunty for not being able to commit to taking on a child which isn’t hers.
It isn’t her child - it her sisters.

Why not blame the actual child parents?

Yes. Yabu.
I would absolutely have my niece living with me in these circumstances.
But, it is life changing and a huge responsibility. It's basically raising a child/ teenager again when you thought those years were behind you ( or, if child free you never had in the first place).
I doubt many people would appreciate being 'challenged' because they don't want the next 4 years ( at least) of their life to be dictated to them by their sibling.

She was calling a women who couldn't foster the type of person who would appease Nazis yesterday (post rightfully deleted). And she calls others offensive.

Exactly this and why are are the CSA not going after those waste of space parents for child support.

Agree.

You need to contact SS and ask about kinship care. Your LA can give you financial help to move to a bigger property. I'd take any of my nieces or nephews in a heartbeat but I'm a foster carer and my own DC are all grown up and left home now so instead of having 3 empty bedrooms I share my home with 3 teen boys all with learning disabilities. I'm focusing on teaching them how to be more independent.

I get it, i only have one nephew and i would do everything if ever faced with this situation, to keep him with me. I'm a bit worried about your niece saying you are a last resort as that sounds like you're not close? Or is it because of her sister who you have living with you already. I'm sorry to say for her at 14 years old, she has no options but you if she doesn't want to go into care. I do feel for her but she'll be an adult soon enough and if your sister is adamant, i would try to make a separate space for her in your home asap. I would be pissed at my sister too but also it is her life and she's entitled to live it how she wants, selfish or not. Ask your sister for a contribution towards the home alterations you need to accommodate niece.

@Sharktale2020 It's really rubbish of her, especially as she appears to have adult children (four drivers living in the house?). However, you can't control what other people do, so try and channel that anger into something positive for your niece.

Make it clear to her that she has a place with you if and when she needs it - even if she initially chooses to go into care, keep the offer open. Poor kid sounds like she needs someone she can rely on!

And do speak to children's services about support to make the adjustments to the house - believe me, they would very much rather pay to help you put a partition wall up than have to find a placement for a 14 year old. It may take a while to get through the red tape, but they will support that eventually!

The posters who have been saying that anyone who could but wouldn't take a niece in to prevent them going into care are selfish are correct - I am amazed at the number of posters who think it is OK for the sister to do this to protect her peace or some shite.

To agree with the sister or even worse say they wouldn't take a niece in either in case it caused detriment to their own children and their current nice life shows a serious lack of empathy and I have to wonder whether they care whether their own children would end up in local authority care should something happen to them and their other parent.

They may think they've made arrangements, but what happens if they people they have made arrangements with decide its too difficult, or it is disrupting their lives too much....it astounds me that people who have their own children can have that attitude towards another child who is a very close relative - particularly when they have already been living with them for a while.

I can sort of understand where someone who is childless is coming from with a decision like that, but not someone who has children of their own.

I would take my nieces and nephews in an heartbeat if it mean they didn't have to go into care!

And before the 'when are you doing your bit' crowd come after me - we are the named guardians for my nieces and nephew should anything happen to their parents, I work in children's services and chair a children's charity board so do my bit on a day to day basis.

When we semi-retire and I have more time, I fully intend to emergency foster, because I have seen first hand through my work what happens to these children, so if I can make even a small difference to children who need it then I will!

God some of the comments on here are disgusting. So the sister that choses to do nothing even though she has the means has the right to make that decision but the sister who is already looking after her sister should suck it up and look after her as well. I can't imagine she was removed from her Dads by social services because she was badly behaved and there is no point being angry with the parents as they obviously don't care - poor girl and I really feel for the Op - shit situation for them both! The rest of you need to get some compassion but also some grasp of reality! Poor sister with the spare room can't help her 14 year old niece for longer than a month - must be so traumatic for her! God help us all.