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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

424 replies

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:30

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

OP posts:
Yesyouneedtogotohospital · Yesterday 09:48

OP I think it’s easy to be angry with your sister who has your niece atm because she’s there and in your life. It’s much harder when the anger is deserved by someone who’s not present to receive it. So yes, YABU to be angry with your sister because I understand her position too but it’s understandable that you’re angry that it’s all coming down on you. It’s rubbish all round and it’s very difficult when you can’t take the anger out on the people who deserve it.

lobwedge · Yesterday 09:53

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:30

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · Yesterday 09:55

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:46

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

What a situation.

first of all: you are (basically) her little sister’s mother. So you need to prioritise the little girl that was put into your care.

But even if you can’t offer her a place to live:
I would not underestimate the value of having a loving aunt she can visit on weekends, Christmas, that will take her out on birthdays etc. So do your best but do not sacrifice yourself or your family.

And no, I wouldn’t direct your anger towards your sister / her aunt. Direct it towards this girl’s actual parents (if you must be angry).

Skybluepinky · Yesterday 09:56

Good for your sister not good for a child to live somewhere they aren’t wanted. Get yourself a bigger house so you can have her.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · Yesterday 10:01

lobwedge · Yesterday 09:53

.

Edited

I believe it’s entirely possible to be a good person but still refuse to become a foster parent.

OP’s anger is quite misdirected imo. The ones to blame are this girl’s parents and not the aunt who provided (what sounds like) emergency accommodation.

as for telling her nice that she’ll like foster care.
So what? I have my issues with the foster care system. But telling her to be angry, afraid or apprehensive won’t help anyone!

SerafinasGoose · Yesterday 10:05

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 23:14

I do understand. You have absolutely no idea of my experience of care, poor parenting, abuse or anything else.

No one is saying they think she should be in the care system, or that the system is nice in any way.

We’re saying it’s not this aunt’s fault or ultimately her responsibility. It would be great if she felt she could. She doesn’t.

I like to think I’d take a nephew or niece in but no one can truly say what they’d do in someone else’s circumstances. None of us know the ins and outs of this family or their past or their relationships.

Exactly. What I see on this thread - and it's become quite distressing and emotive to witness it unfold - is a great deal of anger toward women. It's women's assumed job to be default carers. OP is angry with her sister for not assuming that role. People are angry with aunts. Uncles haven't merited a mention. The failure of this poor girl's father to care for her to the extent that Social Services had to step in has passed largely without comment.

It's very easy to become angry with (female) strangers on the internet and to volunteer their time, energy, investment; in short their lives, from the lofty position of the moral high ground. I'd stake a hefty bet that when faced with a similar situation in actual, real life, people would be far less willing to self-designate this task. Easy, too, to insult other women and shame them into assuming the received 'women's role' as carers by stating confidently 'what I WOULD do' in a similar position, when just as clearly, they are not being required to do it.

The thread is obviously hugely distressing and triggering for some posters. The experiences reported on this thread are terrible and obviously life-scarring. No one should have their childhoods stolen and made fodder for adult predilections like this. The PP upthread, who reported her own experiences at the hands of the care system, is right to say that society persistently closes its eyes to systemic abuse. This is at the heart of the issue here.

There are understandably strong feelings about saving the niece in question from the horrors of the care system. To save one child, ten children, a hundred children, is commendable but makes no difference to the myriad others who suffer precisely because the issue is systemic, and the root of the entire problem is, overwhelmingly, predatory men. (I'm not saying it never happens with women. But look at the statistics). Yes, society does turn a blind eye. Why?

For part of the answer look to Mumsnet; a site with a mostly female user base. Any day you care to mention you can find threads stating victims are lying; they're after money; they're jumping on the bandwagon; they are 'out to get' the abuser. (Cf. the recent thread on Michael Jackson). People will say anything to divert culpability from the male abusers actually responsible. Sexually predatory males are excused at all costs whilst society pulls out all the stops to blame women for their behaviour. I see it on these threads time and time again.

Until these attitudes change, and change radically, systemic abuse will continue unchecked. And the problem is not women's failure to step up and be the carers 'society' expects them to be. It's the failure of men to stop abusing women and children. Both men and women need to stop blaming women for this and start turning their anger toward the people actually responsible.

The problem is the predilections of men.

SillySeal · Yesterday 10:05

I completely understand why you feel the way you do about yoir sister. Part of me would feel that way too if I was in your position.

However, you can't force your sister to have your niece and your sister, like you, didn't ask for this kind of life. Your anger needs to go towards your other sister.

You can get help from ss. I know you've said its difficult but there are absolutely ways around it if you know what to do and say. Otherwise, yes, they dont like to help due to money as its really stretched in the looked after childrens department. If you need any help with how to get help so you can have your niece yourself I am happy for you to DM me then its not taking up the thread.

I will ask, has your sister told SS that she wants your niece removed? I know you've said she plans to in the next review and is set on not having her a minute longer than that but it doesn't work like that. She needs to give a 30 day notice period. They will very likely only do a quicker removal if there was a big safety issue. Depending on your area there may be no carers available. Where I am every LA carer is full and they are struggling to get IFA carers with availability without going very out of area.

SerafinasGoose · Yesterday 10:21

Birdsongisangry · 27/04/2026 23:53

It's pretty sad that there are people sharing personal, and sometimes traumatic experiences in this thread and someone is steamrolling over it derailing the whole thing for their own personal entertainment. In fact it's not sad, it's bloody shameful.

Agreed.

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 10:25

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:05

READ THE OP. The teen is described as "well-behaved."

You keep repeating this like it’s a religious mantra. Of course she’s described as “well-behaved”. It’s very easy to describe a child as well-behaved when a) they don’t live with you and you’re basing it on a few visits and b) you want someone else to take on full responsibility for them.

The zeal with which you’re insisting a child you don’t know is an angel who won’t be a moment’s trouble is bizarre, as is your insistence she’ll be out of the house and off the OP’s sister’s hands the day she turns 18. Where is she going to go? You even happily announced on one thread that she’d be off to uni - where is the money coming from for that?

Mangelwurzelfortea · Yesterday 10:27

This is a really tough situation OP and you're obviously doing the best you can, especially as you already have one of the siblings. It does look like she's going to come and live with you and you're going to have to just do the best you can. It's not ideal, obviously. I wish you luck with it.

And yes your sister is selfish - but so is mine, sometimes we're just stuck with people we wouldn't choose to have in our lives otherwise.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · Yesterday 10:29

So the Mum walked out 10 years ago, but one of those abandoned kids is 6 ?

Mangelwurzelfortea · Yesterday 10:32

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · Yesterday 10:29

So the Mum walked out 10 years ago, but one of those abandoned kids is 6 ?

People can have complicated lives. Mum could be an addict and having babies she's not in any position to look after.

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seek professional help. Quickly.

Brambel · Yesterday 10:39

ThePieceHall · Yesterday 06:36

The kinship payment pilot to which you refer is taking place in seven local authorities; meanwhile relative carers in the other 310 LAs in England will continue to not receive a bean. The Mockingbird ‘support’ system reaches only four per cent of foster carers, despite having millions and millions of pounds poured into it by the government-funded Fostering Network. There is a crisis of recruitment and retention within fostering and adopter numbers have just fallen to their lowest levels ever. Reparenting society’s most vulnerable and traumatised children is a Sisyphean task, with no meaningful support. The government announces new initiatives in an attempt to recruit new carers and adopters but takes away with the other hand. The government last year cut by nearly half the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund, a pot of money designed to enable society’s most vulnerable children ie those legally severed from their families of origin access therapeutic support.

The point is that no one can force another adult to parent someone else’s child. Everyone here who thinks it’s straightforward and easy as well as morally incumbent on another person has only to phone their local fostering team or regional adoption agency today to start the ball rolling on their application process.

As I stated it’s area dependent - it’s a possibility, so my point there was no need to imply I’m talking “BS”

OK you’re going into quite a few others issues and not sure if you’re getting me mixed up with another poster, but briefly - I never said anything about forcing someone to look after a child or made out that it’s all smooth sailing.

FTR I’m very well aware there’s a crisis in fostering and it’s a huge task. As I said I used to work in social services, and have friends who are foster carers, I worked with kids in foster care. And growing up I had close friends who were children in foster care. I have published articles about the foster care system. Who is denying these issues? Not me anyway!

All I was saying is that support (or additional support if she already getting some) is something to consider and look into. And I know it does happen for some people. It’s worth an ask. That’s it that’s all.

Nowhere did I state or suggest it’s an easy task , indeed in my previous posts on this thread I said I understood it’s not for everyone.

The advice was for OP as she seemed keen for her niece not to go into care and is clearly trying to accommodate her via the partition etc.

Brambel · Yesterday 11:11

Brambel · Yesterday 10:39

As I stated it’s area dependent - it’s a possibility, so my point there was no need to imply I’m talking “BS”

OK you’re going into quite a few others issues and not sure if you’re getting me mixed up with another poster, but briefly - I never said anything about forcing someone to look after a child or made out that it’s all smooth sailing.

FTR I’m very well aware there’s a crisis in fostering and it’s a huge task. As I said I used to work in social services, and have friends who are foster carers, I worked with kids in foster care. And growing up I had close friends who were children in foster care. I have published articles about the foster care system. Who is denying these issues? Not me anyway!

All I was saying is that support (or additional support if she already getting some) is something to consider and look into. And I know it does happen for some people. It’s worth an ask. That’s it that’s all.

Nowhere did I state or suggest it’s an easy task , indeed in my previous posts on this thread I said I understood it’s not for everyone.

The advice was for OP as she seemed keen for her niece not to go into care and is clearly trying to accommodate her via the partition etc.

Edited

Also just heard back from my good friend and former colleague who I texted about this. She said yes you can still apply in that borough for funding to get an extension/relocations to accommodate children.

It doesn't sound like they are inundated with requests, but they do get applications for them and do grant some of them.

Emphasis on some. So to reiterate I’m not saying it’s a walk in the park to apply for that or that fostering in general is easy. And again - it is local authority funding so availability will obviously differ depending on the area.

IAmTooOldFor · Yesterday 11:30

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 02:45

It's not a small amount of DNA, actually. You share the same amount of DNA with a nibling as you would with a grandparent or half-sibling. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that most normal people feel love for their vulnerable young family members, whether they are related by blood, marriage, or adoption.

Edited

The OP hasn’t answered any questions about what she’s done to help her nieces mother make better choices, or why her reasons for not taking in her DN are the only valid ones.

Do you provide foster care for teenage girls - relatives or otherwise? If not, why not? It’s all very well saying that there’s a difference between the OPs niece and a child who is a stranger to her but all that means is that we all draw our line in the sand in a different place. There are a number of foster carers on this thread who have not taken the opportunity to hurl insults at you for the fact that you do less than them. Take a breath, and a break from this thread, and consider how hypocritical you are being.

cocog · Yesterday 11:40

Start sorting the partition wall she’s going to end up with you. Ask your sister to help with the girls days out shopping trips nail salon ect so she gets an adult that cares for her try to be understanding not everyone likes kids or enjoys raising them. But an involved family member could still be really good for them. She could potentially be self sufficient in 4-5 years with the right guidance.

Rachie1973 · Yesterday 11:41

Brambel · Yesterday 01:52

And to add - I just did a quick google and haven’t looked into this in depth, but quite a few articles popped up indicating some fairly recent funding and policy commitments which lend credence to what I suggested. So no actually even in 2026 it’s not unheard of to get the kind of support I mentioned.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2lyzr6z0vo

Foster parents could soon be given funding to build an extension to their homes to enable them to care for more children”

https://www.myfamilyourneeds.co.uk/news/fostering-rules-relaxed-and-88-million-extra-funding-provided/

“It is also stated that help with be offered for people to make home improvements, such as extending their homes, and an increase in practical day-to-day support for families through schemes like the Mockingbird programme run by The Fostering Network.”

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-investment-in-support-for-kinship-carers

The government is now trialling a financial allowance to eligible kinship carers, backed by £126 million to reach around 5,000 children, recognising the vital role carers play in the lives of their vulnerable children.
This starts with a pilot in the seven local authority area Kinship Zones announced today, with kinship carers to be provided with funding per child, equivalent to what foster carers receive.

Edited

10 local authorities. Be under no illusion. Kinship carers are undervalued and underfunded.

Brambel · Yesterday 11:50

Rachie1973 · Yesterday 11:41

10 local authorities. Be under no illusion. Kinship carers are undervalued and underfunded.

I agree kinship carers are underfunded so not sure who is under what illusion? Those were just a few articles I googled to show that the type of support I referred to may be available. Even outwith those limited areas that will give kinship carers equal money to regular foster carers, they can still get support. So don’t get too stuck on that pilot scheme.

My initial and main point was actualy that it’s worth an ask to see whats available as I do that some carers get approved for things. Which was also based on my professional and personal experience and knowledge as outlined above,

I really can’t be any clearer that I am not saying it’s also not the same for every area and not everyone will be successful with their requests.

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 12:06

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:33

I really can't understand the sneery and dismissive posts towards PPs who are upset by the notion of systemic child abuse.

No one is saying it’s wrong to be upset by child abuse. What’s wrong is to be dementedly baying for blood, telling perfect strangers they are evil and stuck in shit marriages because they wouldn’t turn their entire lives upside down at the drop of a hat. What’s wrong is to be repeatedly screeching “But the child is well-behaved!!!!”, when you have virtually zero knowledge of the situation. What’s wrong is to be actively offering to send threatening messages to the OP’s sister on her behalf.

Of course it’s normal to be upset about child abuse. But there hasn’t actually been any from the target of @ForCosyLion’s anger. The so-called parents are the abusers, yet they barely get a mention from her - it’s all about the aunt. These comments are a sign of someone with serious issues.

Drknittingfrog · Yesterday 12:45

Am i the only confused one. So the mum walked out 10 years ago but you are looking after a 6 yo since birth...who then is not actually your niece? 🤔 It's sad but you can't force your sister to look after your teenage niece. Maybe look into what help you can get to look after her?

Yesyouneedtogotohospital · Yesterday 13:03

Drknittingfrog · Yesterday 12:45

Am i the only confused one. So the mum walked out 10 years ago but you are looking after a 6 yo since birth...who then is not actually your niece? 🤔 It's sad but you can't force your sister to look after your teenage niece. Maybe look into what help you can get to look after her?

As I read it, mum walked out on the 14yo 10 years ago but has other children by other dads, which she presumably has seen within that time given the age of the one with OP.

InterIgnis · Yesterday 13:18

She doesn’t have to be blinded to the care system in order to decide against accepting this responsibility. She is not responsible for solving this crisis she had no part in creating, at the expense of her own wishes for her own life. Women are not defacto carers this should be expected of.

The failures of the care system are widely known, but the vast majority of people are not rushing out to volunteer as foster carers. She is no more or less responsible for her niece than anyone else that isn’t her actual parent.

It’s fortunate that OP can’t make her. It isn’t something the sister should be made to do.

PracticalPolicy · Yesterday 14:21

People make life plans that involve the number of kids they have, the house they live.and the lifestyle they want. When they are then expected to change those plans and look after someone else's child they have every right to refuse.

This child's mum walked out 10 years ago and from the sound of it was very irresponsible by having so many different children. She was probably incapable of raising her children. The dad stepped up but he is equally feckless it seems and is now unsafe.for her to be there.

And your other sister is expected to house, clothe and feed this child who probably has emotional needs that can't easily be met. Onto top of this there is generally no financial support for family fostering (known as private fostering to local authorities). Only child benefit and additional benefits if the child has DLA or the sister is claiming UC.

Why should she take the child on?

My 16 year old nephew is in a similar position. His DM is incapable of looking after him and has been since he was born. She has had at least five other children. His dad, my brother, looked after him until he died of cancer two years ago. But he was also feckless with five other children living in different families and my nephew had no structure and was mostly left to his own devices. I and my two other brothers couldn't take him. He is now in care and running away and drinking. I wouldn't have wanted that in my house. I chose never to have kids of my own and I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

You say it's holidays but it's much more likely to be refusing to carry the emotional weight of supporting a child who's been badly let down by her own parents.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 15:43

AndWorseAFemale · Yesterday 07:26

I do understand your feelings. I think a lot of people bury their head in the sand about the effect that going into care has on children and their diminished likely life outcomes - not because care is inherently bad or not needed, it very much is - but because staying with family is usually a better and healthier outcome for a child. (OBVIOUSLY there are children whose best interests ARE to be removed from their families, before anybody misunderstands me.)

However. Your sister is entitled to say no to parenting a child that she didn't sign up for. She doesn't sound like she's cut out to parent a child, especially a traumatised teenager, and she probably knows, if she cares, that you'd have the 14 year old.

I'm afraid that despite understanding your sister's position, I do judge people who could but don't look after a family member's child if the only alternative is them going into care. That's because I know what the likely reality is for that child: a series of foster placements with an increasingly mentally unhealthy teen ending up in a manky hostel, with all support removed at age 18. A high chances of ending up in a loop involving unemployment, homelessness, crime, drugs or at risk of modern slavery or prostitution. I, a childfree by choice 47 year old would inconvenience myself quite highly to avoid a child entering that likely spiral.

Edited

One hundred percent. Me too. Thanks for understanding the likely outcomes from being in the care system.