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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

394 replies

zoovo · Today 09:05

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

OP posts:
Pollyanna87 · Today 11:54

I don’t understand how it’s possible to have such severe anxiety and have a boyfriend she doesn’t live with. How does she cope with travelling from her house to her BF’s house?

walkingmycatnameddog · Today 11:55

HeadDeskHeadDesk · Today 11:03

Is it the same with her own parents? I'll bet it's not.

Show quote history

No it’s not to the same extent but they don’t ever just drop by

Gizzywizzywoo · Today 11:55

Oddlyfull · Today 09:16

Possibly he’d left the toilet in a truly sickening state before coming out to meet you

Yes i think this is the real reason its probably in a disgusting shit stained state and hes embarrassed .the gf story is just utter rubbish

Isekaied · Today 11:56

zoovo · Today 10:17

Believe me he has never been embarrassed about the state of his home and always grateful when I help clean. I’ve always gone in when visiting, normally do a bit of cleaning and go but he knew I was short of time and was literally just leaving.

You've raised an idiot with no problem solving skills.

I don't want to blame you. But his behaviour was disgusting.

Mintchocs · Today 11:57

Oddlyfull · Today 09:07

Poor chap. Sounds like he’s living with someone trapped in a severe mental health illness

This OP, I can 100% guarantee this is NOT anything to do with you and everything to do with either a weird girlfriend situation or (possibly) a very grim mucky house or mucky loo situation he absolutely didnt want you to see!!

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · Today 11:58

It was very thoughtless of him to not anticipate you might need the loo and a) make sure it was in a fit state and b) tell his girlfriend to leave the house whilst you were there if he knew she couldn't manage being in the same building as you.

I'd have been upset and angry with my son if he did this to me, and I'd definitely speak to him about how it made me feel. Being directed to a public toilet when you're right there on the doorstep is downright cruel!

Mintchocs · Today 11:58

Pollyanna87 · Today 11:54

I don’t understand how it’s possible to have such severe anxiety and have a boyfriend she doesn’t live with. How does she cope with travelling from her house to her BF’s house?

I think by her having a made up problem that even she doesnt know she has, which is being used outside of her knowledge to hide his dirty loo secret 😄

365RubyRed · Today 11:59

My daughter refused to let DH use her toilet once because she was living with her girlfriend in a one bedroom flat and hadn’t come out.

YourHeartyFatball · Today 11:59

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · Today 09:17

He could easily have warned the GF to stay inside a closed room while you used the loo.
My guess is, the place was a tip, the bathroom/loo were filthy, and he didn’t want you to see.

This sounds more likely.

laveritable · Today 12:05

I would love to say something to make you feel better, but sorry, his behaviour was appalling!!!

User086758 · Today 12:07

There's no mental illness that's specifically limited to not letting others use your loo. Emetophobia and contamination OCD are the two closest ones where sufferers might be iffy about poo or norovirus but has zero impact when it's a healthy person you know using it for a wee.

Agree with all PPs that the most likely cause is there was something in the house your son and his GF didn't want you to see. Usually when a couple lives together, the GF tends to tidy up the house and the man doesn't really care much. In this case, the GF is mentally unwell so chances are high that the apartment is utterly filthy. Think hoarder filthy with unwashed food containers, dirty utensils, blankets, opened bottles and trash everywhere. You can only imagine the state of the toilet in a home like that. He is clearly self aware enough to feel ashamed of that so just pushing the blame on his GF before you tell him off.

Or they accidentally left sex toys next to the sink and that's the last thing he wants his mum seeing 😂

Ilovelifeverymuch · Today 12:08

noctilucentcloud · Today 09:14

I'd forget about this. He should've communicated earlier that coming in to his house wasn't an option so you knew, you should've taken his first no as a full answer. Don't let it spoil anything, what's the point, no harm was done and you want to have a good relationship with him and his girlfriend. I think leaving in near tears was an over-reaction.

I don't see any meaningful relationship with the GF when she can't even handle her BFs mother using the toilet.

And frankly I don't think it's fair to be in a relationship if you have such severe mental health issues. It puts a significant strain on the relationship, cuts the other partner from their family and support system to keep the other partner happy etc and what happens when they have kids etc?

ERthree · Today 12:09

Purpletable · Today 11:13

We have no idea how serious her MH issues are. Don’t be so dismissive.
That said, I don’t think OP’s DS or his family need to live with those issues affecting their lives too.

Show quote history

Her mh issues can't be that serious as she has managed to find a boyfriend, have a relationship and leave her own house. If her issues are that serious she has no business foisting them on anyone else. She needs to sort herself out before letting anyone into her life.If she can meet a bloke and stay at his then she should have no problem meeting his family.

Popiscle · Today 12:09

What's he really hiding? Of course you are not unreasonable. It's a basic courtesy to let someone use your loo, especially if they are invited to visit and have a long drive ahead.

Chocolatcoffeecup · Today 12:10

This is weird. He could have checked girlfriend was not in the bathroom and she could have gone in the bedroom and closed the door if she's that anxious.

Sartre · Today 12:13

I think it was a shitstorm in there (quite literally) and he was either ashamed or didn’t want you to give him a lecture on it… If she’s so anxious she can’t bear the thought of someone entering a room next to hers, she needs desperate help.

Kimura · Today 12:15

User086758 · Today 12:07

There's no mental illness that's specifically limited to not letting others use your loo. Emetophobia and contamination OCD are the two closest ones where sufferers might be iffy about poo or norovirus but has zero impact when it's a healthy person you know using it for a wee.

Agree with all PPs that the most likely cause is there was something in the house your son and his GF didn't want you to see. Usually when a couple lives together, the GF tends to tidy up the house and the man doesn't really care much. In this case, the GF is mentally unwell so chances are high that the apartment is utterly filthy. Think hoarder filthy with unwashed food containers, dirty utensils, blankets, opened bottles and trash everywhere. You can only imagine the state of the toilet in a home like that. He is clearly self aware enough to feel ashamed of that so just pushing the blame on his GF before you tell him off.

Or they accidentally left sex toys next to the sink and that's the last thing he wants his mum seeing 😂

Edited

Agree with all PPs that the most likely cause is there was something in the house your son and his GF didn't want you to see.

Not all PPs.

If that was the case he wouldn't have had OP meet him at the house in the first place. If whatever he didn't want her to see was that serious he refused to let her use the bathroom knowing she has a health condition that requires it, he wouldn't have taken the risk.

Purpletable · Today 12:17

Mintchocs · Today 11:58

I think by her having a made up problem that even she doesnt know she has, which is being used outside of her knowledge to hide his dirty loo secret 😄

Show quote history

That’s very unlikely, as OP already knew about her MH issues.

“I’m aware that his GF has some mental health issues…My son does struggle to cope with her issues and talks to me about it…he has said he doesn’t feel ready to move in with her due to her health. She really does need some professional help…”

deeahgwitch · Today 12:18

Perhaps he had a stash of whatever in the loo and he didn’t want you to find it.
GF might not have even been there.

Purpletable · Today 12:19

User086758 · Today 12:07

There's no mental illness that's specifically limited to not letting others use your loo. Emetophobia and contamination OCD are the two closest ones where sufferers might be iffy about poo or norovirus but has zero impact when it's a healthy person you know using it for a wee.

Agree with all PPs that the most likely cause is there was something in the house your son and his GF didn't want you to see. Usually when a couple lives together, the GF tends to tidy up the house and the man doesn't really care much. In this case, the GF is mentally unwell so chances are high that the apartment is utterly filthy. Think hoarder filthy with unwashed food containers, dirty utensils, blankets, opened bottles and trash everywhere. You can only imagine the state of the toilet in a home like that. He is clearly self aware enough to feel ashamed of that so just pushing the blame on his GF before you tell him off.

Or they accidentally left sex toys next to the sink and that's the last thing he wants his mum seeing 😂

Edited

The couple doesn’t live together!

Really wish people would read all OP’s posts.

TheDenimPoet · Today 12:22

Eenameenadeeka · Today 09:16

Does sound very odd. Was the house a mess and he's embarrassed or something I wonder

This sounds more like it to me. When I first moved in to this house I wouldn't have visitors for a while because it was very much a "project" and I didn't want my parents to see how I was living!!!! They all come round plenty now, and I love hosting.

YourShyLion · Today 12:26

zoovo · Today 09:45

I wasn’t aware she was in there until I mentioned using the loo.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting. He has never refused me going in before even with friends there. I always give plenty of notice of when I’m visiting and in the past his GF has stayed at her home until I’ve gone. I know it’s strange for her to avoid me but I am understanding of her anxiety. I feel for her. But yes I do worry about my son being in this relationship because he is out of his depth at times. I’m just disappointed that he treated me like that instead of finding a way around it.

There's your reason. He didn't want his judgey disapproving mother in his space.

Cherrytree86 · Today 12:28

i wouldn’t bother going again, OP. Invest the time and money you would have spent going on yourself. Do something nice

curtaintwitcher78 · Today 12:28

I wonder if he also had 'anxiety' about the filthy state of his home/bathroom and thought this would be an acceptable excuse...

Edited because I've read a little further now. I have no idea what the real reason was but you need to get to the truth of it.

Horses7 · Today 12:28

At best she’s entitled and at worse she’s mentally ill - either way he needs to take the blinkers off!