Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Then she shouldn't have been at her BFs home when he had his mother driving 2.5 hours to visit him! It's to be expected OP would need to pop in.

She sounds like a controlling nightmare. I say that as someone who has had significant MH issues in the past - I wouldn't dream of selfishly inflicting this behaviour on others.

maybe he passes off your cleaning as his own cleaning for when his girlfriend comes round after your visit, and he was afraid you would say something that she would overhear. Maybe she believes that he cleans up for your visit, not the other way around and he didn't want to be caught out in a lie.

"I only cleaned all this all last time I came, look how much of a mess it is again!!'

He's definitely hiding something.

Using the word 'crazy' to describe someone with a possible 'severe mental health illness' (which were @Oddlyfull's words) is an utterly horrible thing to do.

They are probably living in a shit hole. He’s trying to keep up appearances but failed to take account that you would want the loo.

Fucking hell, the whataboutery on this thread.

What he did was inexcusable and the OP deserves a big apology and assurance it won't happen again.

My lovely friend’s DS had a GF with (in her case selective) extreme anxiety.
It was a nightmares until eventually they parted.

She put so many restrictions on him and stopped him from seeing my friend and his dad and sister. They were all a close knit lovely family. But they’re all fine now she’s gone.

Like your DS he was young and easily manipulated.

I really wouldn’t blame your DS, it’s a nightmare situation for him and I even wonder if she’s the same girl!

I feel like this is a separate thread!

AIBU to think it's to be expected that someone will pop in after a long drive to meet at my house?

Unless it's a short journey and the arrangement is they are picking me up on the way to xyz, where I'd be looking out for them and run out to jump in the car, I'd absolutely expect them to pop in for a mo!

There is more to this story -
maybe the house is in a total state and he doesn't want you see that. Maybe there is something there that he doesn't want you to see (e.g. drug paraphernalia?). It could be anything really but the girlfriend story if true is very worrying for him and her.

@MousseMousse not allowing your live in partners mother to use the loo is crazy I’m sorry, she needs to get help

Which is weird! Someone (doesn't matter who) drives 2.5hrs to rendezvous on their drive!
You're not going to convince me that the gf is in the right here.

Men are very selfish and I’m not surprised you were disappointed in him. From his perspective it wouldn’t have been a big issue though and really the only way would have been to insist or to lay out to him how ridiculous this was. Especially if I’d paid for lunch I would have told him in no uncertain terms that this was owed.

It makes you wonder how they ever got together, if her anxiety is that bad.

As someone who needs the loo frequently I would be really upset at this, and it’s completely unreasonable given the long drive home.

Except he’s not painting her a crazy, merely mentioning ‘anxiety’

Btw my parents regularly park up and we go straight out, mum always uses the loo before setting off home. Completely normal behaviour, there’s no snooping, she’ll just use it then leave. If you can’t deal with this then you need urgent treatment

Where did @Oddlyfull do any such thing? They are right, and it was worded with concern.

Edited to remove text as read the post incorrectly

You say his house is disgusting - maybe he knows you are judging it and he has had enough.

Then he'd be a bit of a bastard to blame his girlfriend, wouldn't he?

If there was something he was that concerned about her seeing in the house, he'd have arranged to meet her elsewhere. And OP has already said that he's never had an issue with her seeing his house in a terrible state.

I'd be amazed if it wasn't the girlfriend.

Maybe his gf wasn't there and he hadn’t left the loo in a great state when leaving the house?

Especially as she does have mental health issues! Imagine how she'd feel finding out his mum/family now think he has a 'crazy' girlfriend who doesn't want them in the house?

Or that he's lying about her illness because he's too lazy to tidy up.

I get why you are upset, but I would really avoid letting people on here get you wound up. It’s easy to get self righteous on someone else’s behalf, when you don’t have to deal with the consequences. Just thinking purely about your best interests here, you want to get on with your son and any future partner. This is minor in the great scheme of things. He doesn’t want you coming in his flat and didn’t expect you automatically would just because you’d parked on the drive (which he maybe also didn’t really want). It’s a boundary of his for some reason or other, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. If it helps, I have no expectation of ever going inside either of my children’s uni houses. They just find it awkward and I respect that. It has no bearing on the relationship. Don’t fall out over it.

That’s a reach !!

The plan as it was formulated. The plan that she would use the drive and they will go outside together.

There was no need to discuss the GF, because - from this point of view - there was no issue.

Yes, some people would say that the potential need to use the toilet is obvious, but obviously it isn't, so it wasn't planned with.

So why make up a bizarre and upsetting lie about her mental health instead of just saying...

"The toilet is broken, we've got a plumber coming later"