Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Thats ridiculous. Could the girlfriend not have sat in a different room? I’m afraid I’d be telling him that was unacceptable

In your position OP I would be contacting DS and saying how distressed you were at not being allowed to use his loo but also state that you’re concerned for his girlfriend……keep it kind. But also tell him he was unfair to not pre-warn you before you left the lunch venue. I think all three need to take some responsibility on this…..DS, OP and girlfriend who could surely have secreted herself in the bedroom couldn’t she?

It's just awful how the needs of those with mental health issues trump everyone else's.
You weren't going to force your company on her you just needed the loo.

To deny a parent access to a toilet is behind rude, it is absolutely appalling.

I’d be really annoyed at your son but I’d actually be quite concerned about him too!

It’s his house and he can have whoever he likes in it.
All he had to do was run in and tell her to wait in the bedroom.

Do you think she could be abusive/controlling?

I would speak and not say you’re annoyed but just ask if that happens often.
Is he allowed friends around still etc

Do they live together?

Sure, but the time and place to have that conversation is during that plenty of notice, not on the doorstep "I'm really hurt that you won't let me in the house when your girlfriend is there, I feel her anxiety is being overplayed/use to control you/whatever", not "I understand, that must he hard for you both, of course I won't come in....oh actually now I'm here can I not just use the loo?"

The son didn't even ask the girlfriend, she might have been fine staying in another room out of the way, she might not even have been there, but the son just said no. The girlfriend was not involved in any way.

Personally I think she was just an excuse.

But that isn’t what happened is it ? OP has clarified that her son didn’t tell her the GF would be there, so there was no prior agreement for OP not to come in - she didn’t know GF was even in the house.

Similar problem in my family for over 20 years! DIL has issues with people in her house and sadly this wasn’t sorted by therapy so we just accept it. I really think we shouldn’t have accepted it because every year the issues multiply. Can’t even go to the front door now. If I could turn the clock back I’d have said something to DS, don’t know what though.

Is it the same with her own parents? I'll bet it's not.

Is it confirmed the girlfriend's got issues, or are we yet again excusing nonsensical behaviour so as not to hurt any feelings?

It’s not clear that OP’s DS had actually informed her that she couldn’t come in before they met up though? Usually his GF isn’t even there when she visits so why would OP have expected to be banned from entering this time?

You are right, I just re-read the OP. The PP's comment about "plenty of notice" threw me.

Appropriate username is appropriate!

The son sounds like a right wetwipe.

Agree, it’s totally ridiculous. Let’s hope we don’t have another war in this country. It sure would be a wake up call to all the anxious people as to what real anxiety looks like.

That's not what happened though. OP didn't find out that the GF was in the house, or that there was any issue with her going in while GF was there, until she asked to use the toilet as she was leaving.

Outside of some serious existing relationship issues, I can't think of a single valid reason not to let your own mother, who has a health condition that can require access to a toilet, use your bathroom.

Because he didn't plan on his mum going inside the house at all, there was no need for that in the plan. The plan was she will just use the drive and they will go outside.

I don't say that toilet need isn't valid, but it significantly overrides the expressed agreement/plan/intention.

We have no idea how serious her MH issues are. Don’t be so dismissive.
That said, I don’t think OP’s DS or his family need to live with those issues affecting their lives too.

I personally think its as simple as the toilet was caked in shite and knowing you found it disgusting before and cleaned it, he panicked and gave you the girlfriend story.

What plan? OP hasn’t mentioned anything about an expressed agreement/plan/intention.
On the contrary she said the GF usually isn’t there.

Is it her house, or their house?

If it's their house then your son needs to grow a pair and put his foot down. If my partner had an issue with my family coming to our front door, he'd be told to use it himself.

Perhsps the home stinks of weed or possibly the gf is an imaginary one or even a bf and he isnt ready to out himself yet. I would let him know that I wouldnt be visiting again if you can’t use his loo. How did he meet her if her anxiety is so crippling?

Exactly. And if his mum has a medical problem (sounds like someone recovering from cancer-it's fair enough you don't want to specify OP, but someone I know is in this situation), then she needs to use the loo. If the girlfriend can't even manage that, then she needs to get help, because she's going to struggle in a lot of ways.
Knowing you have a health problem, he should have told you in advance if there was an issue, so you could have chosen not to go.

How would the ‘d’ son feel if his gf was treated like this by her son?

For most of us, they don't.
Actually with MH issues you end up quite vulnerable to people taking advantage, with not enough decent people around.

Occasionally you get someone oddly manipulative whilst claiming to be vulnerable, like the GF in this instance. I've found it fascinating for years noticing people like this, wondering how the hell they do it. Those really suffering are doing everything to appear normal and please others, often to their own detriment.

Kids can struggle to see us as actual human beings, instead of “just mum”. It’s not a failure of love.

Sometimes, when we put someone else’s needs before our own, we also sideline those we love, because mentally they are in the “us” category, He shouldn’t treat you badly. But he might have been seeing you as part of his camp, iyswim. It may not be what’s happening here, but I’m just sharing because sometimes the reasoning is a bit more convoluted.

Dp/dh prioritise the craziest woman in their life. In my case it’s mil. I just cannot match her energy (nor would I want to) and the cost for not placating her is high. So when dh is put on the spot, his instinct swings that way. Given a chance to think first, he puts family first, even if he knows she’ll kick off, but that took time and awareness on his part.

But otoh let’s not rush to blame the gf. She didn’t actually do anything that we can verify. Maybe she wasn’t ready to meet you, but if she had known, would have moved to a different room. He didn’t actually give her that option. I’d be absolutely mortified in her shoes, and if she has problems with anxiety she might not have the capacity to reach out to you.

It’s a very upsetting thing op, and I can really sympathise with the hurt. But try and find the softer interpretation so you can move through this.

I’m going to add that you might be over stepping a bit by cleaning for him, particularly unasked. Especially if he’s living with someone. It’s something to be mindful of. There’s a point where you have to become more of a guest, than a parent in your dc’s house - switch to admiring instead of advising, and only help when asked.