Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Can’t get my head around thinking that I can never move on from something like this with my own son!!

So is being insistent (and calling someone’s house disgusting is fairly bad manners)

I think even the most unworldly people would realise, unprompted, that a relative visiting from a couple of hundred miles away would need the absolute minimum in hospitality, when the arrangement is to meet at the house. If the son had offered to meet her in town or whatever (which he probably should've done knowing he couldn't invite his mum in), that's a bit different and the expectation wouldn't be there.

I don't think anyone has said only one thing at a time can be rude.

I hate when someone just arrives, and I never do it at anyone else's house. But in this case it's not the girlfriend's house and it's reasonable to invite someone in on an arranged visit. The son just didn't handle it well at all and I don't believe it was anything to do with his girlfriend anyway.

Where is your evidence that OP actually said that to her son ? She cleaned his bathroom and his kitchen. She says she does cleaning for him when she visits. That’s what mums do. Just because she thought it, doesn’t mean she actually said it and you’re inventing things OP hasn’t said to suit your own purposes.

I'd have wee'd in the driveway stating 'when you gotta go you just gotta go.'

I’m going to be quite uncharitable here based on unfortunate personal experience.
My very sweet BIL’s ex used anxiety and overwhelm as a way to be controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. It wasn’t entirely her fault, she was brought up to be like that and her whole family is fucked up and deeply dysfunctional in one way or another.
Keep your DS close, make sure he knows you’re there to help him if he needs it. It took my poor BIL four years to fully extract himself from this terrible relationship and it nearly broke him. I know we’re always told to ‘be kind’ and ever so understanding, but there’s limits to that, a big one being a negative impact on other relationships and the wellbeing of yourself and your loved ones.
Picking up the pieces afterwards is pretty shit, I know, I’ve done it.

Being autistic is absolutely no excuse to deny someone to use your loo. No matter how uncomfortable you are, being a rude and horrible host has nothing to with ND. Loads of ND people can deal with the discomfort and allow someone basic amenities in their home (in this case she wasn't even expecting to stay and chat or even interact with the GF).

You can be autistic and also have basic human decency rather than expecting the entire world to revolve around your own needs.

Not if she didn’t express it no, l don’t. She told the thread it was disgusting - doesn’t mean she said it directly to him and there’s no evidence that she did.

It's unusual, but not freakishly so. I was a supported officer for a few years. We had several tenants who wouldn't let tradesmen etc into their homes, which made getting the required gas safety inspections done very bloody difficult.

I don't think my DB would have anyone in his house now. He certainly wouldn't let me and my late DP in when we went to take him out for lunch for his 50th birthday. He used to have a friend who visited, but the friend lives 150 miles away now, so they only see each other when they meet up halfway.

I wonder whether the girlfriend was an excuse and either the place is a right mess and he’s embarrassed or there’s something else he doesn’t want you to see?

My initial thought was that his place is a mess and he's too embarrassed for you to see it.

I imagine if she felt the need to start scrubbing her young adult son's toilet bowl on a social visit it probably was disgusting. And if his mother who's just cleaned it can't tell him so, who can? 😅

Reading between the lines, it's weird how mum visits from hundreds of miles away and only goes out to lunch and into town with her son. So the GF was clearly in no state to join them on what would be an obvious family trip.

Maybe she was rotting on the sofa and the entire home looks like a mess and she would have flipped out if "MIL" came in and saw her like that. So the son didn't know what to say aside from not letting his mum come in.

Well especially when it's not even your bloody house. The OP's son should have said 'my mum is driving a long way to see me, so if you really don't want to meet her you'd better make sure you aren't here when we get back.'

Instead, it's quite likely that we have a situation where immediately before the son left to meet him mum for lunch, his GF said 'please don't bring your mum in here afterwards. I am not in the mood to meet her.'

And he, precisely because he's learnt to pussyfoot around her anxiety and MH, has acquiesced for an easy life. He won't risk a meltdown from his girlfriend, he'd rather offend and upset his mum.

I have to say, screw "the son's boundaries" , his behaviour is borderline abusive.

The OP has a longterm health condition which seemingly impacts on her day to day activities. She may not use this term, but that is a disability. Denying a disabled person access to a toilet for pretty much any reason is horrendous behaviour.

My husband and I have a rocky relationship. One of the first eye-opening moments for me was when I was postpartum with newborn twins. I had a bad tear so still recovering from stitches. We were out in our local town and I kept needing a wee, urgently.

H refused to stop.

I am a level-headed, practical, resilient person - but I still remember the humiliating panic of worrying I might have an accident in public. I honestly felt at that moment that I hated him.

Leaving your own mum to wet herself on your driveway, or more likely all over her car upholstery if she is desperately trying to find a loo in an area she doesn't know - there is no excuse for that, none.

Where has OP admitted snarky comments?

But it’s not the GFs home and she was aware that OP was out with her son so the thought would surely cross her mind they’d nip back, especially as OPs car was on her sons drive

Him having a reason doesn't mean it was a good or justifiable one.

There's no good reason not to let someone who's driven long distance to see you use your toilet. Especially your own mother, who has a health condition that requires bathroom access.

The reason he gave her was nonsense, and had a very simple solution. Same for every other suggested reason on this thread.

If your child behaves poorly, contrary to how you've raised them, you don't just have to accept that. You can be disappointed, or upset, and you can tell them so.

RE the "too messy to let Mum in" theory, I've "been there" (sort of), having moved back from abroad with stacks of stuff, a tiny temporary studio, and "no time" to tidy up or put my things in storage. My issue wasn't dirt, but just that it was almost impossible to get from my front door to the bathroom or kitchen without knocking something over if you weren't familiar with the layout. It was embarrassing AND a hassle and I used every plausible excuse to avoid having people in my flat. Letting someone use the loo when dropping me off from an outing together was the one exception, and it did cause me some stress. But saying "no you can't use the bathroom" to someone who'd come three and a half hours to see me and was headed straight back home, though? That would have been going too far.

It's ultimately up to him if he lets you in or not, but under the circumstances it does seem unusually mean not to. The girlfriend story makes no sense; as you've said "she could go into another part of the home" while you came in JUST to use the loo. Or she could have gone home until your son let her know you had left.

Severe anxiety isn't always a mental illness, I was painfully shy up as a child and probably still haven't grown out of tantrums if someone pees me off, from about 2008 until about 2014 had not been on a bus or really been out of flat so lost confidence and would only get on bus with my mum and go with my mum to job centre a couple of times til I gained my confidence, some ppl just dont like new ppl or aren't confident in groups, it doesn't mean they are mentally ill.

I agree this could be a strong possibility! His son promised he would not let his mum in because of the mess and he explained it all wrong and didn’t intend any harm to OP

His house I bet is filfthy. My son did this with his ex. The house ended up being full of cats and disgusting. I would encourage him to leave her if thats the situation.

You think the son should leave his girlfriend????

The girlfriend doesn’t live there. And he’s perfectly capable, if unwilling, to put on a pair of Marigolds.