Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

He sounds as though he is very caring and aware of his GFs issues.

He's also aware of his mother's medical issues, which require use of a toilet, so not that caring.

Do you not think denying your own mother access to your toilet when she's desperate is batshit? If the OP has any sense it's the last time she'll visit unless she gets an apology and assurance it won't happen again.

No I don’t. She has admitted she’s make snarky comments before. And a natural consequence of that is that you aren’t given the chance to do that again.

I know how I would (and have) reacted over something similar. Perhaps people should think about what they say before they open their mouths

I really hate MN at times. The way people on here speak about mental health, neurodivergence etc is sickening.

Maybe she has autism. I do and so do both my children and unannounced visitors can be extremely distressing. If anyone is visiting our house, I have to know at least a few days in advance. But again, people on here are very dismissive about ND…

I also think the house being messy is another likely reason. Or maybe OP is just one of those people who you can’t get rid of for hours once they come to your house.

Sometimes I wonder when this type of behaviour starts if people didn’t pander to them and told them to get over themselves, how many would continue getting overly anxious if they didn’t get the attention

For someone who is anxious about meeting people don’t they realise they draw attention to themselves the more they hide.

Or maybe that is the affect they are after

But of course everyone is expected to have predictable bladders and bowels, such that they never need to use a toilet outside their own houses and can just hold it in for hours at a time.....

The fact that she says she's been known to randomly clean up when she's been before as she thinks it's disgusting says a lot imo.

But this wasn’t her house to demand who comes in and who doesnt

I think that more understanable - but OP was expected (at least to the drive) she wasn't just dropping in it was planned visit and the sons GF doesn't apparently live at the property - so why she was there at all and dictating who could and couldn't come in all seems odd.

Do you have any clue how anxiety works, and if so that it's not always the same for everyone, right?!
🙄

It's not her house, though, is it? She really hasn't a say in who the owner - her boyfriend - lets in and out of his home, especially his own mum, for crying out loud.

So you are saying when it comes to your door you get as far away from the affected person as possible?

No, but she said she was out for lunch and shopping. There are toilets there. Also, plenty of rest stops. People go out all the time who don’t have a family members toilet to use.

My MIL asked to use our toilet once at 3pm in the afternoon. She was still there at 10pm that night. Maybe OP is one of those people, she said herself that she sometimes starts cleaning. Maybe he was worried she wouldn’t leave for ages.

Exactly. He probably didn’t want her doing that again.

But if she’s there because she’s in a relationship with the person whose house it is then it’s his choice.

She has admitted she’s make snarky comments

Where? All she's said about his house is that she cleaned the kitchen and bathroom on her last visit and that her son is always grateful when she helps him clean, unless I've missed something?

People have literally imagined a scenario where her son doesn't want her in his house because she's judgemental about his tidiness.

I reckon the bathroom was in a minging state and he didn’t want you to see it. His girlfriend could easily have remained out of sight.

Its possible this is true. My MIL has had such bad toilet-related anxiety that she once made a massive fuss about me going to use the one bathroom in our house, as anybody else being in the bathroom made her 'need to go'. I had come back from hospital after having a baby, hours earlier... She insisted she had to go first.

I do think this is one of those unfortunately classic examples on Mumsnet of a man who straight up refuses to accommodate more than one woman in his life.

Or he is lying and something weird is going on. Or he is just a filth crumpet. Whatever it is, I think you need to have a chat with him OP.

What a load of hyperbole!

Such hilarious stretches! OP
has already stated it was a short visit.

Hardly going to be there long!

That"s right, by pandering to her "anxiety" the boundaries just become more and more out of proportion and she ends up not understanding that other people also exist and sometimes have needs that conflict with her own.

So why meet her at his house at all? Why make up a lie with the potential to impact family relationships?

That was for @Moro93

This is sounding to me as though the reason he didn't want you in the house was a combination of the state of it, your opinion that it was "disgusting" on a previous visit and you cleaning his sodding home!

Imo, that's really intrusive behaviour and I would have been really pissed off if a parent, or a partner's parent, came into my home and started cleaning, unless I'd specifically asked for help with it for some reason, like having a limb in plaster.

It is at my door (my child) and I obviously will support them always. I would advise my other children not to stay with a girlfriend/boyfriend with serious mental health issues though, to get out if they can. It is no way to live.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have asked mum taxi to take him back then? If he was that concerned, or would that have inconvenienced him? Wouldn’t want that, he must make sure he has everything his way!