Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I'd clean less or not invite you.

But I'd accept an apology but maybe not be able to forgive.

Been there done that. Have been massively judged for our house. Generally spend hours running around like a maniac and often still get a dig about a missed cobweb or something. I literally don’t know why it crosses anyone’s mind- I don’t go to friends houses and start commenting on dust levels or finger prints on the windows.

I don’t think I’ve ever needed help with a nappy change. I would hate MIL popping in. Relax - you can’t compare your relationship with your daughter to your relationship with your daughter in law.

My MIL once made a similar ish comment, I was four months post partum at the time. I’ve honestly not forgotten how it made me feel. To start with I would clean like made before she came over and get super stressed. Now she just doesn’t come over and life is much better. I’m not saying it’s because of that comment alone, but it didn’t help. Can’t imagine my own mum ever making such a comment.

You say you want to help, but have you asked them what would be helpful for them rather than just comparing how they choose to do things with how you would like them to be done?

Maybe they are enjoying a nice peaceful time at home and don't want drop by visitors (I totally get that, I don't answer the door if it's not planned).

Maybe she wants to wear her comfy pjs and nap when she can and not worry about a mess or things looking immaculate or MIL's coming by willy nilly. This might bring added stress

Maybe she cant fully relax when you are around and it's socially draining when she's already tied up and busy being a mum (priorities), therefore your version of help might actually be more exhausting to her in other ways

I think you need to respect their boundaries and stick to planned visits, sorry it's not how you imagined things or how involved you'd be as a grand parent but they are running the show now so it's lead by their way

Is he intending to tell her he’s told you? You might blindside her if she doesn’t know you know.
Could you just be nice, compliment her beautiful home, offer her help and support but don’t assume it’s your role

I strongly suspect that this is not the only comment that she has taken offence in so apologising for this one comment made 4 years ago won't fix things. All you can do is be more tactful in future.

That was a dreadful comment to make tbh

Why do you think you would be "invited upstairs for nappy changes? That's a bit weird.

You overstepped. , they put boundaries in you go to their house invited. It isn't ok just to pop in. She doesn't want you to. Stop being pushy

Not the point of the thread but what kind of help are you going to be with nappy changes? It's hardly a two person job.

A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife - old saying! If you’ve apologised for the joke, I don’t think there’s much more you can do. She’s choosing to continue to feel offended.

OP stated that her son has pointed out that she has made comments on how clean his sister’s home is so definitely not the only comment and I bet OP makes these comments more than she realises.

I wonder if OP has ever said anything complimentary towards her DIL.

Oh dear 😬 I'd definitely apologise but don't expect it to change anything, not immediately anyway. Don't apologise for your benefit but for DIL's/the sake of your relationship.

My DS is 14mo, still only me and DH have ever bathed him (and DH only a few times) and we didn't let anyone else change nappies until I was going back to work. For his privacy which felt right to us plus we said other people can have the fun jobs. You can bond with your GC without either of those quite intimate jobs.

My MIL is amazing so as some suggestions, you could try bringing food round on your next visit, lots of compliments to DIL on her parenting etc, no comparisons with your DD. I'm sure you mean well and have just put your foot in it somewhat

what is your motivation?

You have a son and dil with boundaries shaped by you but not all about you either.

Let it be imo

I hate that saying 🙄 not true for us at all. We're so close with my in laws. I really loved my own mum but she had on off contact with everyone, severe MH issues.

OP has made clear she's continued to put her foot in it, I don't think this is her son's fault

She needs to live with what sounds like the poorly house trained outcome of your parenting, whilst you make continuous digs about the cleanliness of her house. I think you're lucky to be allowed in by prior appointment to be honest.

Was it really a joke? Should son and DIL have laughed out loud on this little piece of comedy?

I also spend hours cleaning before she comes over now!

What is wrong with you?

My MIL did this sort of thing. And washed the floors, weeded the garden; would have washed my clothes if I had let her. I LOVED her for it. Used to invite her round all the time!

Life isn't a competition you know ❣️

As a mother with two small children I wouldn’t want anyone to pop in unexpectedly (not my mother or MIL, both of whom I like).

I’m not sure I would ever wish to invite you OP given your ‘joke’ and passive aggressive comment about your amazing daughter and her housekeeping.

The OP says it was.

Wow - is this a reverse?

I can’t believe you said this but also that you’ve been insensitive enough to talk about how amazingly your own DD keeps house.

I would HATE this if my MIL said this about my SIL and to her credit she has never done so.

NO! I think you need to accept that NOBODY wants a spontaneous visit from their in laws especially when there’s a baby / young child on the seen. The arrangement you have sounds just fine.

If love to have read this and believed it was just made up to get a reaction - but you sound like a clone of my MIL 🫠🤣🤣

So, from the perspective of the DIL who has been on the receiving end…

• the constant “jokes” (digs 👍🏻) and then being nice the next minute is giving me whiplash
• you know it’s not the only “joke” you’ve made
• I can’t be bothered cleaning for hours for you just to come round and find something else to comment on anyway
• why would I need help wiping my child’s arse/washing my child?
• start respecting boundaries
• im not keeping your DGC away from you. I’m keeping you away from me 🫠🤣

I wouldn’t bother apologising if I were you. The damage is very likely already done 👍🏻

@MrsJeanLuc It sounds like you have the genuinely helpful MIL 🤣🤣 very different from the “this isn’t good enough for me” MIL 🤣

Yes me too. Don’t think I’ve ever invited my own mother to do that!

I wouldnt apologise, it might cause further embarrassment that DS has told you.
I would start making comments about how tidy her house is, how you never managed to keep everything so tidy with a baby and you dont know how she does it etc.
It will hopefully help her relax a bit about it.