Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Im aghast at the responses here OP. I can see from your post you are genuinely mortified that your joke upset your DIL so much. Yes I see it as a joke toward your son and not representative of your DIL’s cleanliness.
If I were your DIL I would probably feel the same as I’m very sensitive to criticism so I would very much appreciate an apology, especially as it’s highly likely your son will have discussed with your DIL your approach and him reminding you of the incident and the effects from that.
I agree with other posters that this should be because you’re genuinely sorry and not because you hope it would change things.
if your DIL is open to a genuine heart to heart I would apologise, explain how you never thought rather stupidly that it would have upset her and that’s the last thing you’d want etc. I’d also be honest and say how this has all come about that you asked your son because things felt awkward and you’d dearly love the opportunity to fix that. That you think she’s doing a great job and you’re upset that you’d made her think otherwise. I’d say you’d love to be able to pop in more casually and actually help her rather than you being a burden but you understand if she’s not comfortable with people popping in unprepared.
I think there are bridges to be built but that’s not to say they can’t be but I think you need to be very transparent and patient with your DIL.

In hindsight you shouldn’t have made a comment like that even if it were a joke. When you’re in the trenches of postpartum and raising little ones, it’s hard enough to stay on top of everything and with that comes guilt and stress and all the others things and comments like this might push someone over the edge.

Having said that, if it were me I would have let it go by now and just admitted to myself that I over reacted at the time and move on from it. There is no way on this earth I’d spend hours cleaning before anyone came round, I pride myself in a clean and tidy house but I am also realistic and don’t give enough shits what anyone else thinks, being tidy is more for my own peace of mind.

I wouldn’t bother apologising now because too much time has passed and it will feel like your only doing it to get something else out of the apology.

You are going to have a very different relationship with your own DD than you are your DIL, like I am sure your DIL has a much closer relationship with her mum. This is pretty standard. I too would never ask my MIL to help out with nappy changes, bath times etc etc. but when my own mum comes and visits she will help with anything and I have no issue asking her to help with pretty much anything either, I’d never ask my MIL the same.

You need to write her a letter, apologise and explain genuinely no malice was intended.
Its up to her, but I suspect it was more than one comment or remark.
Why would you mention your DDs home is immulicate to her?, but pass comment on hers being dusty. That's like saying hers is cleaner nicer than hers.
I wouldn't want to popping in either, judging my cleaning. Your DIL has distanced you, to protect her own wellbeing. Good for her.

Sometimes it’s too late to build bridges. Comments like OP made are only a joke if you know your audience.

It’s not like the DIL is preventing the OP from seeing the child.

Like I said upthread my abusive bio father used to run his finger along the surfaces. It’s a shitty thing to do (who wants to bet it was said with a ‘tinkly little laugh’)

It's a special thing when a family member can come round and just fit it whatever the state of the house, no judgement. Hope you are able to respect their boundaries and appreciate the things your DIL does well.

My MIL has said and done far worse to me than a poorly aimed low blow about cleaning. If she ever apologised to me, it would mean a lot.

I think you should apologise. Shows you’ve reflected on what you’ve said and how it’s made her feel. But don’t do it just because you think it will give you a VIP pass for access.

Even then, I don’t want people just popping in whilst I have young children. My baby has to nap on a schedule like he’s being paid to do so. My toddler is ‘toddlering’ A bit of notice or a pre-agreed date always works best. I didn’t like the ‘just popping in’ pre-kids either.

But your DIL & son clearly haven’t moved way past it! So definitely apologise. Whether you meant it as a joke or not it’s a rude thing to say and if you saw DIL face at the time and she didn’t look pleased then why on earth didn’t you apologise at the time!?

also why do you need to help her with nappy changes?
I had a baby last year and neither my MIL or mum or FIL or dad have accompanied me upstairs to help me change a nappy! I’d find it really weird as a nappy change is a 1 person job 😂 same with bath time.

also you are likely to be more closer to your own daughter, you don’t have to muck in and take over from your DIL with her child and it doesn’t mean she’s keeping you are arms length from
your grandchild!!

my MIL was the same as you with her daughter and did a lot for them but she doesn’t for me because I don’t need or want her (or anyone) too. And she’s just as happy with my child & me as she is with her daughter and her child.

I couldn’t get over that if I were the DIL though, esp if she perceives the OP to be snarky.l (given the multiple comments I would assume so).

But I’m ND and one comment like that would be enough to distance myself.

I would’ve hated my MIL making a comment like that. Thankfully she never did. If she had it’d make me feel very uncomfortable.

Weirdly my FIL used to love deep cleaning our toilets and random things when they babysat. He had MH issues though and I was never offended. It wasn’t in a judgy way, he wanted to keep occupied I think! He’d do things like descale the kettle, get wax off candlesticks type of thing! If we’d just invited them round then he didn’t get busy cleaning!!

Hate when I start reading threads like this and the OP left 15 pages ago and it’s all people saying the same things over and over again 😬

Yet here you are adding to it… 🤣

I know!

I know when I was very young my grandmother said or did something to imply that my mother wasn’t doing the clothes washing properly. My parents honestly talked about this for decades and even after my grandmother had died. It really soured how my mother had felt about her MIL.

I think you should say something / apologise.

But also, it’s never occurred to me to ask my parents or ILs to change nappies? Why would I? Why would they want to?

Very, very poor choice of a joke. Yes apologise to her and don’t you dare try and allude to it being her issue she couldn’t take your obnoxious ‘joke’.

My mum was unlucky enough to get two MILs who were like the OP. When she split from my bio father, her MIL wanted to see me but she refused and I have never seen her since.

Why are so many mil’s such cows? What were these creatures like before they became a mil? My kids aren’t married yet but I can’t imagine being obnoxious or hateful to my future DiLs.

When I had my first, my mum came over. She said before coming to leave housework for her to do.

She arrived and looked at my floor and said "do you never sweep". Honestly, the relationship has never been the same. It sounds Iikeva petty thing to have upset me, but in my post birth (which was traumatic and involved birth injury), hormonal state it really, really upset me

A jokey dig?!!? Yikes

unfortunately the damage may already be done here but i would say that an apology, and a very sincere one at that may go along way to repairing a bit of the damage. Don't expect her to change the dynamic though, it probably suits her and it should! i wouldn't want guests just appearing unexpectedly and certainly not my critical overbearing judgemental MIL.......(thats the way she sees you btw). Do not compare or boast about other family members, DD, then put your DIL down or make her feel unworthy. It's ridiculous that she feels she needs to deep clean before you visit.

I think you've already done the damage op. The fact you're on here trying to frame it as a "little joke" when actually it wasnt remotely funny and you've also followed it up repeatedly with a comparison to your dds house being pristine shows that you aren't really taking the accountability you need to take. If anyone walked into my home and did what you did they quite simply wouldn't be back. My mum does things like this all the time and we don't have a good relationship as a result. It's more important to her to say what she wants than it is to consider how that makes others feel. I can't change her so I just need to respond accordingly until she decides to change herself.

If you are going to apologise I know I'd rather have a genuine one than a half hearted "it was only a joke". And really, the only reason you're thinking about this is because you want access to their child, you haven't actually mentioned anything about the fact you've essentially dug the boot in repeated your DIL when she's been doing her best to be a good partner to your son and mother to your grandchild, juggling a young family which is a lot. I wonder if you've thought as much about the impact that it was likely to have had on her as you've thought about how the consequences are now affecting you. That would be a good starting point.

I mean this nicely but honestly, i hink you've a bit of work to do before you're actually ready to apologise properly.

The other aspect to this is you've essentially made your bed, she knows this is how you now think and she's not going to be able to just pretend like it didn't happen. So you need to start from scratch and try to rebuild the relationship from the ground up. Praising her, complimenting things in their home, that shes doing etc, asking how you can help, suggesting doing something the two of you while your son has baby etc, backing her properly and respecting their boundaries around their home and her family. That will grow the relationship in time.

I'd also think carefully about why you felt that you could get a jab in at your ds not doing enough, but it's your dil you are blaming for not having full easy access to their child. They're a couple, presumably they make decisions together. So again you're unfairly putting things on your dil when it may be a joint call that they've made to step back from you as a result of your actions and comments. Your son brought this up with you because he also thought you were out of line. Which you were.

I'd also just say that you can't expect it to be the same as it is with your dd. I love my mil and we get on great. I also don't want unannounced visits that I'm not ready for (I don't want those from anyone). I wouldn't have anyone else involved in baths or nappy changes because my child deserves privacy unless someone else is specifically babysitting him and there's an actual need for them to do it. I don't know a single one of my friends with young kids who would be inviting an audience to bath or change times either. So I do think you need to manage your expectations a bit. What your dd wants and is happy with is not going to be what your son and dil want because they're different people.

I guess the OP isn't coming back , but the comment you made ( which was mean, and not intended to be a joke and you absolutely know that ) is not the biggest issue anyway.

Expecting to be able to just drop in whenever you want and get involved with absolutely every aspect of you DGD's care is very alarming . Just because your DD hasn't got the guts to tell you to have some boundaries, it doesn't mean your DIL is going to be as soft.

Enjoy the time that you have and try not to be so entitled.

Its good that you realise in hindsight the things you said were not appropriate, and aimed at your son or not, it was about THEIR house, not his house, pretty insulting.
When my MIL insults my husband I am offended also. Making comments about your DD handling things better than DIL is also pretty insensitive. I think you should speak to your DIL, acknowledge your ill worded 'joke's' and apologise as you seem to be genuinely sorry (she'll be able to tell if you're not)
However, as others have said your relationship with your DIL is not going to be the same as your with your DD, I never (i repeat NEVER) appreciate my MIL dropping in, we'll intended or not, so while DIL may well really appreciate your apology, it may not pave the way to more relaxed visiting you want. Might just have to apologise, suck it up and move forward!

Ugh… overbearing MIL alert… my FIL was horrible to me in the postpartum period - called me a ‘terrible housewife’ and constantly made little digs disguised as jokes about dust or piles of clothes. I’ll never understand the need to go into someone’s home and criticize them especially when they have a new baby. It ruined my relationship with my FIL. Hopefully you’ve learned your lesson OP and I’m not surprised she won’t let you in all the time.

I agree . The ‘joke’ wasn’t a joke. To anyone maybe but the OP. In my house a duster would have been given to the ‘joker’ with the words - ‘i must have missed a bit - you clearly have an eye for these things so please give it a once over… ‘

How do you know she did this? Did she tell you afterwards, or did you just notice she'd done it?

I'm amazed the toilet was obviously dirty enough for her to want to clean it. You and your partner knew she was coming to stay. Why didn't you clean it before she arrived? Surely that's just basic decent manners when expecting a guest?

It's says a lot about you that you are quick to feel offended that she cleaned your loo, but not quick to feel embarrassed that she felt she needed to.