Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

Who does that?? Do you actually find yourself humorous?

I’m not remotely surprised you’re not welcome there.

Good on them for having firm boundaries with you. You’re lucky they even still see you.

It was cleaned before she arrived! My whole house was spotless because I was so nervous for her staying as it was only my second time meeting her.

I have no idea why she cleaned it, and yes, she did tell me.

I personally think you should apologies for what you said whether it fixes the baby issue or not. Does feel like you’re wanting to use it as a quick way to get what you want rather than actually apologising to your DIL

I would apologise. Only because if you do nothing then nothing will change for sure, whereas this might open the door for more openness with her. But please don't make jokes that might be considered judgemental. And don't mention your dds clean house again (why would you?) best of luck

Yeah. That was a hillarious joke OP…..

Aside from that, who the fuck wants to change dirty nappies?!

This reminds me of when my son and his wife invited his nan round to see their new flat. She made a snotty comment about not sitting on his couch as it was second hand, it was a gorgeous green velvet couch. That was 3 years ago and she has never been invited back!!

Good luck to you. My mum can't help herself making similar comments. It took me well into my 30s before I grew the backbone I needed to deal with it. We have a great relationship...over the phone. It's better for our relationship that she doesn't visit and I visit her once a year. If she had been my MIL we would no longer have a relationship. I obviously don't know the dynamic between you and your children, just be aware they may not be as casual to your judgements as you think.

An apology (heartfelt) may soften her a bit but I doubt anything will ever be properly repaired. It was a shitty and extremely careless thing to say. This is the type of thing that I couldn’t forget.

OP it sounds like cleanliness is very important to you and so you DO judge your DIL for her standards. Fair enough. But you can’t then expect to be welcomed into her home.

So what would you apologise for? Being unstrategic enough to voice your critical thoughts? That’s not going to endear you to her. You need to find some authentic way in which you can appreciate her and what she does in her home and family. Unless she feels liked by you , she’s never going to want you around.

You sound like my mother in law. I hated her visiting because I always felt she was judging me . I would spend weeks cleaning before she stayed with us because that was the sort of thing she would do. And she would also make comments about how immaculate her daughter's house was.
It really drained my confidence and although she wasn't a horrible person I never bonded with her and I always felt she was judging me and that she believed I wasn't good enough for her son.
I know you said it was a joke but does part of you judge her house keeping? Have you said other things about the house being messy? Dusty?
I'm not sure if an apology as such will be appropriate now. But I think you should stop commenting on your DDs house and maybe have some conversations with your DiL about housework and clean homes not being the most important thing when you have a child etc. Try and build a relationship with her and understand how she feels.
I was pleased when years later my MiL said she wished she had spent more time doing things with her children and not worried as much about the house work

If you want to build bridges you need to go about it a different way. I would also have hated it if my MIL had just “popped in”. Why don’t you suggest meeting her at a cafe, treating her and grandson to a sandwich (low key place like Costa). Try to get to know her better. Or invite her and GC to you. The relationship is never going to be the same as with your daughter but you’ve done yourself no favours.

How is that even a joke? What's funny about it? The fact that your son wasn't good at cleaning his bedroom and there's dust in his home as an adult isn't a joke.

It's a dig, borne from a place of judgment, and not just levelled at your son. By mentioning it in their home, you're openly judging both of them.

So I entirely understand why your dil is anxious about your visits, and why she wouldn't ask you to get involved in things like nappy changes and baths. She doesn't want you judging her and finding her lacking, whether you verbalise it or not. You've marked your own card as being a judgy person, and I don't think apologising can change that, though it never hurts to say sorry I guess. But your apology won't change her perception that you're the kind of person who judges other people.

(I also hate spontaneous guests btw. My house gets deep cleaned once a week, loos and kitchen surfaces cleaned every day, and it is generally also very tidy, but it doesn't matter. I still don't want people just popping in and derailing whatever I had planned that day, expecting to be hosted.)

My mum can drop in anytime... if my MIL tried it - especially when I had a baby - I would feel very annoyed!
She is your DIL not your DD.

Yes, apologise and tell her how bad you feel that she feels she has to do extra cleaning before you visit - but don’t link it to anything about how often you see the baby. It probably won’t make any difference, though - the damage is done, whether you meant your comment as a "joke" or not.

On my PIL's first visit to our first, tiny, house, my DH and I showed them round proudly. We went into the bathroom and my MIL said "Oh look, the toilet seat's all smeary! Imveryold hasn’t wiped it properly."

That was fifty years ago and I still remember it clearly…

That would have pissed me off too. Luckily my mum would never have said it, but I did have a bf once who’d run his finger over surfaces so I would be very triggered if anyone did that to me now. I would give them very short shrift no matter who they are.

This is where I got to with my mum and her 'jokes' about the cleanliness of my home and my appearance, but if I call her out on the things she says, she will respond saying that I can't take a joke, why am I so sensitive, she's just having a laugh, you can't say anything to me...

If your sense of humour hangs solely on taking the piss out of people's lives and appearance, fine I guess, but expecting the recipient to laugh along at being the butt of someone else's jokes is wild. Being bullied by your own family is crappy.

I've never invited anyone to change my child's nappy, even my own mother, for no other reason than because I view it as an unpleasant chore and I can't imagine anyone else wanting to do it. My mother-in-law has offered a few times, and I was glad to take her up on her offer, but I'd feel awfully cheeky ASKING someone to do it!

But yeah, I think it wouldn't hurt to apologise, but if you do it must be GENUINE (no apologising and then later on making similar comments). And maybe say you were criticising your son rather than her, although that's unfair because you should've taught him better, and you're sorry for raising a son who isn't better at housework.

sorry to say but I get where she is coming from having a critical MIL, who passes things off as ‘jokes’ or just having a chat… it really plays with anxiety and means that she also cannot just drop into mine without notice.

Like the day over 30 years ago when I spent a long time making a Vichyssoise soup (meant to be served cold for those of you who don't know it) for my ILs. MIL thought she was a fabulous hostess (i thought her cooking was grim but would never say). She took a couple of mouthfuls and said 'next time dear, make sure you heat it'.Ihad already explained what it was and she was usually quite adventurous. I've never forgotten,

I am over 50 and from a working class background was repeatedly told that you NEVER joke about peoples appearance, cleanliness of their home, their profession or what they eat. PIL 'joked' about all of these things the first time they met me and repeatedly - including the 'finger down the sideboard' joke OP here pulled. Its a mean spirited way of creating division and upset and women used to be mugs and put up with it but won't anymore.

This thread is insane!

The OP made one lighthearted, off-the-cuff comment to her son about dusting! On what planet does would lead to anything more than an irritated eyeroll from said son and his partner? Are people really this fragile that they cannot handle being mildly irritated by close a relative?

OP, I'd say the problem is more likely to be that they really don't like spontaneous visits and you're not getting the message. Just because you have a certain intimacy with your DD doesn't mean you can expect that from your DIL. You say you see your son's DC regularly, so enjoy that and stop trying to force a style of relationship that they clearly don't want.

Unless the dusting comment is the tip of the iceberg/the straw that broke the camel's back, I think it is really out of order of them to blame it all on a single comment you made years ago as an excuse, rather than being honest.

@mybestchildismycat I think the likelihood here is that comment was one of many criticisms the Op has offered to her DIL over the years. And that’s why she’s not come back.

You catch more bees with honey than vinegar OP.

In any event, some people are just more reserved with their personal space than others and you need to be accepting of that.