Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I cannot think why you'd be wanting to help with nappy changes when you know very well it only takes one person to change a nappy.

@Yogarunningcoffee sorry to say the damage is likely done. My MIL has criticised our house a few years ago I still remember. I now deep clean for hours before she comes round and visits are few are far between.

You're lucky you have the access you have

Projecting much? This is not about you and your MIL.

To me this reads like you've been a nasty bitch to your DIL and you did it believing that you'd be able to bully her and steamroll over her, only its turned out that she's strong enough to put boundaries in place and you're here for advice on how to manipulate her and trick her into getting back in her place. You were horrible to her, she's effectively told you to go fuck yourself and taken measures to restrict the harm that you're able to do from that point onwards.

It wasn't just a one off joke, you went on to make comparisons between her and your daughter expecting that she'd feel the need to compete for your approval. I'm afraid she's onto you OP, I don't know if I'd bother with the apology because it won't be genuine and she'll know it.

I'd explain exactly this to her, then apologise profusely to her and tell her how mortified you are of the impact it's had on her.

I'd be wondering though why my son isn't doing 50% of the cleaning though, why does only DIL do it all? Being awful at cleaning his room when he is younger isn't a good enough excuse to opt out of cleaning as an adult, in a house he is jointly responsible for.

Right, especially after they have given you a tour of it and it is obviously not just your adult child’s home.

Even as a joke it still rude and nothing about it can be seen as a positive.

Add in OP’s comments to them about her DD’s house:

He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I can easily see why the DIL would see that as one. Why even mention the cleanliness of your other child’s home to their sibling and spouse in the first place?

It’s so unnecessary. Surely, there are better things to talk about.

Wanting to be invited upstairs to help with nappy changes is weird.

I wouldn't want you upstairs either; if you're like my MIL, I've probably spent hours cleaning downstairs, and the bathroom if it's upstairs. I wouldn't need you snooping around the rest of the house too to find fault with...

Let it go. Your relationship with your DIL isn't the same as the one with your DD. You were tactless, and that is something you have to sit with.

Nappy changes upstairs is effort for your DIL. I'd wonder if she really does that all the time or only when you're there.

Nowhere near the same scale as you but when I moved into my house my mother came round with my brother and toured the entire house pointing out all the things that were wrong. She also kept suggesting we used the back door to come into the house through the garden which was mental. Needless to say she wasn't invited back.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

find ways to sincerely compliment your DILs parenting, stop talking about how DD has a spotless house and remember that your DD and DIL are two different people with different approaches to parenting. DIL might not want people helping with bathtime or nappy changes. Especially as you have made her feel inadequate in the past!

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

find ways to sincerely compliment your DILs parenting, stop talking about how DD has a spotless house and remember that your DD and DIL are two different people with different approaches to parenting. DIL might not want people helping with bathtime or nappy changes. Especially as you have made her feel inadequate in the past!

I know this isn't the point of the post, but I've always wondered why people leave out "the" in front of "baby". You've done it three times in the post above, so it seems you're the ideal person to ask!

You don’t need to watch your DIL change a nappy or bath her own child. It’s unreasonable that you would even expect to be part of that.

Don’t apologise as it is much too late and the damage is done.

I’m sorry to say that you come across as a stereotypical MIL with a son - entitled and judgmental. Let you DIL and DS get on with their life and be there for them if/when they ask.

I would chat to her and sincerely apologise. But that ship may have sailed. Your son should have told you sooner. My MIL loves to make little digs and plays them off as jokes. I hope you aren’t like her. If you are then I’d say your relationship is not repairable. I am civil and friendly to my MIL but if I didn’t have to see her again I wouldn’t mind. I do so for my husband

It might seem like a joke but running your finger in someone's house and commenting on dust is just rude. No wonder she feels mortified and now feels she has to tidy. Commenting about how immaculate DD,s house is even with a baby is a dig whether you meant it in that way or not and its inconsiderate. I wonder how many other 'jokes' there have been. Your relationship with DD will be much more relaxed and different than your DIL. Thinking she's keeping you at 'arms length' from your grandchild can also be adding to her not feeling close to you especially when you are involved with grandchild. Not everyone wants relatives popping in and out and have their own routines and schedules. Id honestly say sorry, stop expecting to pop in and out whenever you want , enjoy the time you have with your grandchild and be more considerate with your wording, maybe you will have a chance at get closer in time.

If you are genuinely sorry then I would acknowledge your comment (and any others you may have made over the years) and apologise.

I wouldn't assume this will automatically mean you can drop in at the house any time/uninvited or observe nappy changes/bath times though.

She's embarrassed, the only effect am apology will have is embarrassment that you and DS have been talking about her behind her back.

Instead, full on kindness, tell her how lovely her home is, how clean it always looks and you hope she never cleans up on your account. Tell her stories about when you were less than perfect., try to genuinely bond in a non judgemental way

Yes obviously you apologize when you find out you've hurt someone.

Also invited to help with changing nappies, who does that? Or bath time for that matter. Just strange.

If a mother in law ran her finger along a house for dust in a TV show, I’d think they were being lazy for coming up with such a cliched character!

Currently she is still making effort for you - definitely appreciate that before going to your son with complaints.

I would apologise but not expect to be invited round for spontaneous trip that suit you - it sounds like she might have to psyche herself up

Is it possible more times to see the baby with your son rather than her having to do the work, maybe as they get older?

Well done for accepting that you were at fault. If I were your DIL I would appreciate the apology but it will take a while to repair the relationship. Good luck OP!

I think I’d speak to her privately and say your son mentioned this the other day and you feel absolutely mortified, and that it was just a family joke at the time. How sorry you are and that you think she’s a fantastic mum etc etc xx

Blooming ‘eck OP!!! So you wouldn’t have addressed this or see anything wrong with your behaviour unless you weren’t a grandparent kept at arm’s length.

I would be the exact same as your DIL here and I don’t really know the answer sadly. The damage is done. You could try having a frank chat but there’s the chance it makes it worse because you don’t sound very aware!!

Respectfully, OP, you’ve really fucked this. Firstly why do you want to go upstairs to change a nappy? Secondly why do you want to give the baby a bath? Finally, you knew what you were doing when you made those comments, they were digs, not huge digs, but digs nonetheless and you have finally been pulled up on them. You can’t just walk into someone’s house whenever you get a spare half hour, even if you did give birth to one of the owners. I suspect lack of replies from you is because you’re getting your arse handed to you on here, and rightly so. Going forward text or call before you call round and quit the passive aggressive comments, then you might see a bit more of them.

Yes you should. And don’t try and say it was a “joke.” It was a dig as you well know. Just say you were an arse, you can’t excuse what you said and are very sorry etc.

Why do you need to watch the baby having its nappy changed or being bathed? I feel this is one of those posts where there is a massive back story. Presumably you’ll be babysitting at some point, and will have plenty of opportunity to change nappies then.