Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

My PILs are the type to pop in, it drives me insane. I'm usually in the middle of something and the house is quite often in some sort of state. What do you actually suggest when you ask to 'pop in'? Have you considered offering to take the children out? Having someone come round, having to make tea and sit still and chat is something i dread, I just don't have time for it. If someone offered to take my 1yo out for a walk in the pram for an hour, oh lord, I would be so grateful. If they offered to do it regularly (at a set time!) I would be forever in their debt!

You’ll need to be honest with her OP, and with yourself. It wasn’t a joke taken the wrong way, it was a passive aggressive, rude and bitchy remark, intended to belittle her because you were feeling threatened. If you’re up front, open and honest then you’ll make inroads. Run with the ‘oh I never meant for you to take it the wrong way’ (bullshit bullshit) then you’ll make things worse!

Oh dear, I’m afraid that if you come off as a bit judgey about housekeeping (and like you put value on keeping an immaculate home) you won’t be welcome as a dropper inner. Many of us - me included! - just aren’t in a perpetual state of “guest readiness”, so only feel comfortable with very relaxed spontaneous visitors.

As to how you fix any damage to the relationship: I reckon it couldn’t harm to make sure you let you DIL know what a great job she’s doing, and mention things you admire about her. She may feel you don’t think she’s good enough. You sound like a very nice person so hopefully you can dispel that impression! Not sure about whether to apologise. She would probably be a bit mortified that you know about the pre-visit panic cleans so maybe don’t mention that!

I have to say, I didn’t get the joke. Perhaps you could explain it please?

I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

be very positive around her, compliment her house (how immaculately clean it is despite being a baby etc!), compliment her parenting skills and accept that your relationship with her is different from the one you have with your own daughter.

do not force the issue or try to get her to forgive you!

It wouldn't come across to me as a joke, just rude and rather old fashioned. I wouldn't be inviting you back.

I don’t think being asked to help with nappy changes is a normal thing to expect. Or baths.

It's not just the joke to your son, which was you commenting on the cleaning. It's the comments about your daughter's home. They have reinforced DIL's opinion of you as someone who goes round judging how clean someone's house is. And commenting on it, including to other people. I'm assuming she hasn't been mishearing you so she's correct to have that opinion and she is responding accordingly.

You apologising won't stop her cleaning for ages or get you invited more often but it might be appreciated.

Even if it was a joke, or said in a jokey way, it was still noticed as being dusty and therefore you noticed and thought about it and were judgmental enough to notice.

also your DIL obviously doesn’t want you just dropping in, for whatever reason this is absolutely fine.

personally I wouldn’t apologise for the comment unless you run it past your son first. As he might have been telling you the reason without DIL knowing

I don’t think an apology would go well after all this time. Your DIL would probably be upset with her husband for betraying a confidence. Your best bet is to build bridges. Compliment her parenting. Tell her what a great mum she is. How happy the kids seem. How tasty a meal was or how nicely she brews a cup of tea. Be genuine with your praise. Hold your tongue on any unnecessary critique.

Bear in mind that your relationship will almost certainly never be the same as your relationship with tour own daughter. Closeness can’t be forced. There’s a whole shared history and depth of feeling to a mother daughter relationship which just doesn’t translate in my experience.

Of course you should apologise! You were very rude!

You're apology shouldn't be intended to get the rules changed, just because it's the right think to do!

I'm not sure you should compliment your DIL on how clean the house is, she may think you are being sarcastic given the backstory, best to steer clear of that topic entirely. Do compliment her but on things that you genuinely do admire.

There are some women who are alphas who try and take over and be the best. I have an aunt like that, always trying to whisk the grandkids off or get in first to feed/clothe/play - basically competing with her DILs. Her DILs obviously can't stand this and have as little to do with (self-titled) super-grandma as possible!

Nobody wants their MIL to ‘pop in’ and ‘help’ with their child. This drives me absolutely nuts and I hate it. No boundaries or personal space. It’s a huge no. Stick to the organised visits or you’ll push her further away. You will not have the same relationship with DIL that you have with DD - it’s unfortunate but it’s not natural.

Also I think its important to recognise that for most people the relationship with grandmother on mother's side vs father's side is very different. In terms of popping in and helping with bath time etc, that is something much more the norm with maternal GM

I don’t think you should apologise, no, because it would be entirely insincere and your DIL clearly isn’t an idiot, so a mealy-mouthed if-pology is unlikely to help.

If you want a better relationship with your son and DIL, then I suggest doing some brutally honest reflection on your own attitude and behaviour. If, as I suspect, you just want more access to your GC without making any changes to the way you behave, then I fear you may be shit out of luck.

Have you ever heard the saying: "there are no jokes" ?
Well, you have now. Think about it, OP.

As several other PPs have remarked: you've made your bed.
Probably burned your boats, too.
I'm not surprised your DIL is wary of you.
Plus, it's really not OK to "pop in" on people. Maybe some people did that back in the day when most people didn't have telephones, let alone mobiles with messaging and whatsapp. But it's an intrusion and signals that your wanting to 'pop in' takes priority over whatever the 'popped-in-upon' person is choosing to do with their time.
Take a big step back and put a big slice of humble-pie on your personal menu as far as your DIL is concerned.

Oh for goodness sake how petty!
My MIL was like this and I just shrugged it off. My house, my mess

You reap what you sow

If you’re honest with yourself, was there some truth in what you said? That you expect an immaculate house? And your dd has that? Because it’s totally unrealistic and there are many more important things in life than having a show home, especially when you have a baby.

Why doesn’t your son clean?!

It was a rude and tactless action/remark when you were being shown round. Imagine if someone ran their finger over the side when being shown around your home! Then said it was a joke.

However, I’d speak to your son before apologising to DIL. It may cause more trouble if she finds out he’s been telling you she deep cleans before you come over. Lots of people wouldn’t be keen on their MIL (or even DM) popping in when they feel like, especially when they have a baby.

Apologise and maybe do it with a gift of something you know she loves.

Good for you. People respond differently.

Yeah, I can definitely think of more fun things to do with a visit!

I personally would find it very odd if someone asked me to help with a nappy change. Very strange.

I think you do owe an apology, unreservedly.

You would be unreasonable to expect her to change her attitude to your requests to pop in though. Even without her upset at your "joke", she might just not want to spend time with you/not want to give up time she could spend doing other things.

During my mat leave, I did get a bit fed up of the constant hosting of everyone (my family as much as DHs side). Everyone wanting to see the baby, but some days I just wanted to go out and do our own thing or stay home in PJs and not have to make polite conversation. So it might be that she would just rather not spend the time with you.

Why cant you visit when your son is at home? I much prefer DH "hosting" his side when they want to see the kids, I will usually take the opportunity to take a long shower/do some cleaning upstairs then pop down for the 2nd half of the visit to chat and socialise.

What kind of joke is this, running your finger on furniture and commenting on dust. I don’t find it funny? Also then comments on your DD’s house being immaculate is something a lot of mother in laws with high housekeeping standards do and of course the kids she raises are also tend to have high standards and critical nature of mother. It’s a lot of pressure on DIL. What’s the point of apologising? She knows your nature now.