Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Yes, apologise.

Yes. Recognising that you may have hurt someone, even unintentionally, is wise and goes a long way in healing relationships.

She doesn't care about hurt, she just wants to barge in whenever she wants and have access to the private areas of someone else's home. She now realizes she screwed the pooch when she was so rude before.

And the same for DiL’s DM if DS doesn’t want to see her either!

Off you go DiL! (Oh and make sure you take the baby out with you, as otherwise your DH might let his DM help with a nappy change - god forbid anyone wants to help with their grandchild) 🙄😂

Not an issue at all, as long as it is fair.

I have visited lots of people's houses and I have never run my finger along the furniture to check if it was dusty.

Actually, the only exception to this was when DD was moving out of a rented property and she asked me to help check it for cleanliness.

The fact that OP is even doing this makes it already not a joke.

Unfortunalty it seems to be more than that one isolated comment.
Perhaps without realising it you have shown displeasure in other ways and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

Well, that's what happens in our house. It's hardly a big deal or a drama.

Neither set of parents would dream of just turning up unannounced. I often see my mum out of the house (coffee, lunch, a walk with the dog) and DH generally goes to see his dad alone (he's only round the corner but not very mobile).

Works fine for us.

You definitely need to apologize seeing as your son has been honest and brave enough to tell you the truth. It won’t repair things instantly but should move things in the right direction. But nobody wants their MIL popping in constantly so maybe lower you expectations there.

My guess is he doesn’t and if he wanted to, he would have mentioned this earlier.

I bet he is happy with the level of
involvement and wouldn’t want his mum popping around as much as she does with his sister.

I wouldn’t, whether it was my mother or my MIL and DH wouldn’t either and he video chats with his mum several times a week.

Exactly. People act like the DIL is the gatekeeper but nothing stopping the son from facilitating things.

Why on earth would you think you should you be invited upstairs to help with nappy changes?

I am very close to my parents but wherever possible try to change DD’s nappy without an audience.

Sounds like your comment those years ago was a classic bitchy one which could be couched in “I was only joking, what’s wrong with you?”

TBH your DIL is wise to be wary

I do agree with the majority on here that it was probably a bit tactless. However, this whole thread has got me thinking about how many women (myself included) tend to feel judged about things like cleaning and keeping our homes nice. I don't think men tend to feel that pressure! I know that when my in-laws visit, I do a big clean cos I feel they'll judge me otherwise - rather than judging DH.... which doesn't make sense! I think it's an old fashioned reflection of our sexist society.

Was it just a one-off comment or have there been more?
Nothing worse than feeling like the house inspector is on their way.
Your DIL probably zoned into other subtleties you might have unconsciously given, such as glancing around the room. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but once someone has insulted your house like this, it’s hard to feel like they aren’t inspecting your cleanliness.

me too.

It’s never too late to apologise

@Yogarunningcoffee You lost me at "helping with nappy changes".
Why would your DIL or son need help changing their own childs nappy?
You seem to favour your own daughter, so see if you're welcome there.
Leave your DIL and son alone.

It wasn’t a joke! Who laughed?

I think speak to DS first and explain that you feel terrible that DIL thought you were having a dig at her or care at all about the state of their house. Buy her some chocolates/flowers and ask DS if he thinks a personal apology is best or if he should pass it on.

If it was me I think I might have been a bit annoyed and laughed about it with my husband later, but I wouldnt have held it against you unless it was a constant theme or criticism etc.
Having said that, she has obviously really taken it to heart and is worried you are judging her. I think you should apologise sincerely with no caveats. Its good your son has told you so you can make amends!

The OP isn't expecting to do turn up unannounced; she is asking that on occasion if she texts to ask, that she is welcome to pop in. She isn't saying she should just be able to turn up on their doorstep.

Just to add another slant to this from personal experience (as I noticed you mentioned it was intended to be a 'funny' dig at your son who never kept his room tidy?) - my DDad often makes these kinds of jokes e.g. 'Juno would never clean her room' 'Juno is still as messy as ever I see!' to anyone who will listen. I know he thinks it's harmless but it's actually left me with crippling OCD to the point that I cannot trust my own judgement about whether my home is clean, because I truly do not remember being messy and yet clearly I was? Be very careful with these kinds of 'jokes', even if aimed at your son. Maybe a lesson for your relationship with your grandchildren.

Haha this is exactly what my MIL said years ago when my DH pulled her up on yet another one of her snide remarks! ‘You’ll be singing a different tune when you want free baby sitting.’
Guess what? We have never asked her to babysit, not even once. We never needed any babysitting, let alone free baby sitting.
Not everyone with kids is looking for free childcare.

Sadly my MIL has made passive aggressive comments about the cleanliness of my house, and since we've had building work/ decorated she literally always walks in and says 'If I had one criticism....' and then proceeds to tell me what she would have done differently - it deflates me every time. She never has anything nice to say.

I think it is worth apologising - but I suspect she still won't welcome adhoc visits, sorry OP.

She is pathetic. Now, if you'd said that she was a lazy woman not doing woman's work, I'd be supporting her, but you jokingly told off your son! He should really have talked to you, and told her to get a life-if my husband was rude to one of my family members for such a stupid thing, he wouldn't be my husband any more.
But I suppose you could try apologising, in case he's at the end of his tether living with someone like her (I couldn't cope with it) though with a person like this, I'm not sure how much use it'll be.