Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Absolutely apologize, with LOTS of grovelling! You can explain the context of your son's cleaning skills, but then you need to grovel and apologize some more, because this must have hurt your DIL so much.

I don’t blame your DIL at all for not wanting you around spontaneously. You clearly have form for these pathetic “jokes”. I’ve had similar “jokes” told to me before and whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, the reason you did it was to demean her. Respect her boundaries because she’s set them out and rightfully so. The fact you are even asking if you have to apologise shows you’re not taking her seriously

You made a joke about your son not doing a good enough job and she took it personally? That's really sensitive of her

Why would you say that though? The first time they are proudly showing you around their new house? That’s not a joke, that’s just mean.

I think you’ve shown your true colours. And the thing is, she will know anything you say or do now is just to get access to her baby, not because you actually give a shit about her.

Sorry OP I think you have made your bed now. You might not have realised it what a dig that was at the time but it was rude. Your DIL will know you are judgmental now.

I caught my MIL making a snide comment to my SIL about my fridge being bare when she visited (it actually wasn't). That and other little comments have left me very wary. She has a very traditional set up with FIL and I think they find me wanting as a 'wife' and don't particularly appreciate that I am educated and have a career. They definitely judge that I have a cleaner! For DH and DC's sake I have a civil but arms length relationship. Now my DC are teens I only see her once or twice a year. I actually don't care if she judges me now as a) I'm not bothered about a relationship with her anymore b) I'm older and would think 'sod off' more than be hurt now.

Stop attempting to drop in though, your DIL obviously doesn't want you to do that. If you want to build bridges then offer to meet them out / take them for lunch / have them round for dinner or when you go bake them a cake etc. Be helpful and offer babysitting in a few months when they will start to want a bit of time to themselves again. Also tell them what a great job they are doing raising your grandchild!

It’s also coming because the OP wants access to the grandchild and that is the main motivation, rather than wanting to make her DIL relationship improve for its own sake.

Thanks it was a long time ago now and I still dont quite understand why she felt the need to do it.

At least be honest, that wasn't a "little joke" at all so stop trying to pass it off as such.

I think you should apologise and try to get your relationship on a better footing. She may still harbour some resentment which only time and perhaps need for grandparent support will heal. Your relationship with your DIL will not be the same as with your DD, so make sure she doesn't feel she is being unfavourable compared.

This is why I love my MIL I don't worry if the house isn't immaculate as her house is often full of foster dogs, muddy boots, various horse related equipment and often a stray chicken from the garden. She does squirt some token toilet duck down the loo before visitors 😂 and anyone who arrives gets a warm welcome and often lovely home baked cakes or bread. She has a key and is welcome to pop by whenever

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

What an utterly mortifying thing to say to a couple just moving in to their first home, it wasn't a joke, it was a dig. you intended it for him, but it landed with her, as the person who cleans.

And then constantly mentioning how clean you DDs house is! Why you would do either of these things is beyond me, no wonder she keeps you at arms length, if I had an openly judgmental MIL I would keep her on an appointment only basis too.

i would feel exactly the same if I was your daughter in law, I would be spending the day cleaning even though our house is tidy pretty much always I would feel on pins, you could try apologising and see if things ease over time

Where has the DIL been rude though?

Why is having her MIL over when she is prepared to have her in her home bad?

If her son was bothered, he would have said something earlier.

Plus, nowhere does OP by her own writings show she actually wants a better relationship with her DIL that isn’t because there is a grandchild.

She already see her son’s child regularly yet that is not enough by her standards because she can’t pop by when she wants like she does her own daughter, and doesn’t get free reign of her house. Seriously, who moans about not being allowed to someone’s upper floor. It’s not MIL’s house.

Plus, maybe DIL doesn’t need/want the amount of help MIL wants to give. I remember having my first and didn’t feel the need to have someone do all the things OP mentions and definitely would not want someone popping by my home unannounced and thinking they should be able to come into my home whenever they feel like it:

Plus, OP hasn’t mentioned her son in all of this except for what he told her about her ‘joke’ so if he was at his tether with his own wife (which is pretty bloody rude to say about her), he again, would have highly likely told OP sooner.

Not really, because that was what your MIL said directly to you, which shows what a poor relationship you have. That doesn’t sound the case here at all, rather the OP is kept at a distance.
I was remarking how I’d seen it evolve over time elsewhere, so long as the relationship stays reasonably good in the meantime.
Agree that it’s true some people don’t care for babysitting and a social life without their kids either; each to their own.

Only if both parties are ok with it though, ie both son and dil - clearly dil is not ok with it, and nor would I be.

My MIL is mostly lovely, but no way would she be ‘popping’ in every week or doing nappy changes or baths. And yes, what you said was rude, but still not normal to just drop in for visits for lots of people. Why not ask if your son wants to meet you for a walk or a coffee instead if baby is old enough?

OP I think you sound really nice and a well meaning mother in law and I don’t agree with posters who say that the bridges are necessarily burnt between yourself and your daughter in law.
It is said that people who have bad relationships with their own mothers tend to get on better with their mother in laws. As I had a bad own-mother-experience this might be colouring my view, but in the circumstance you describe where my mother in law put her size 9s in it, making a tumbleweed joke that hurt me, (even badly) I’d forgive.
The apology could be over a meal/coffee that you treat her to, or even (if that feels just too cringe) a real warm fulsome letter telling her that you made a stupid joke and that you’ve only just found out that you’d hurt her, you’re so sorry and that you think she is an amazing daughter in law and you feel so
lucky that your son landed her. You could explain that the quip you made was to tease him and you had no idea that it would impact on her. You realise that this was a terrible gaffe and you could bite your tongue out.
I do feel that a heartfelt apology would go a long way in mending this unfortunate rift. I’d definitely forgive you!

Hmm I get where your DIL is coming from. I have a good relationship with my MIL for the most part but there were some quite judgey comments made way in the past about our jobs, homes and what we spent or didn't spend money on. They have thankfully curbed their comments over the years as DH has told them off a couple of times and also made it clear he does not give a toss what they think (the negative stuff). But I still feel worried about being judged. When you've had a baby you feel so vulnerable and perhaps she's worried you are going to make a comment again, hence the cleaning beforehand etc. Or she may just think you are silently judging. As to putting it right, I think I would feel horrendously awkward if my MIL were to apologise for a comment made years ago but that's just me! I think just making it clear you're there for them, and genuinely meaning it, would make the most difference over time

I wouldn't apologise as it will just draw more attention to it. Also wanting to be at a nappy change is weird. I would just try and be a more laid back person going forwards, and she think may think you have naturally mellowed with age. Whatever you do, when you go round make sure your eyes never rest on any untidiness.

How could you possibly believe it would be funny to tell someone their house is dirty?

You sound just like my ex MIL. I could never live up to her DD no matter what I did. Her DD was a perfect mother, perfect wife and they lived in each others pockets. My MIL would just go over and clean her house and do her laundry.
I worked full time unlike her DD and after constant comparisons and being made to feel awful I was conveniently always busy if she tried to just show up.
She ruined the relationship with me and babied her DS so much he expected me to practically be his mother (my now ex husband) and sadly she now barely ever sees her grandson and it’s all because she was so judgemental.

So I strongly suggest you keep your “funny” comments to yourself as honestly you sound like a bit of a nasty person. Your poor DIL is probably feeling absolutely broken down thanks to you.

It seems really odd that you'd expect to be invited upstairs to help with nappy changes.

I think you should apologise. It won’t make things worse and at the very least it will show you care. Personally I would accompany the apology with flowers.

This. All you can do is to try and be nice to Dil in future. I get very annoyed when people have a dog then try to say it is a "joke". It's only a joke if everyone else laughs.

That’s two digs and one about your daughter’s house being immaculate which I’m sure made her feel awful. I’d not like you much either and I expect it’s probably too late now. Just accept you need to let them know in advance and think yourself lucky you’re allowed to see your grandchild. You’re not entitled to anything. No need for you to change nappies or do bath time.