why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

[Halfmunch]

I am a mother to girls, and have no brothers and I admit I don’t have much experience of raising or being around boys. The boys in my life I can find them overwhelming, frustrating and to be honest, self centred and lazy.

However, I am wondering if this is related to how people parent the boys, and a patriarchal society rather than the boys - as in it’s not their fault, they were not born this way. Is this something other parents have noticed, like Little Prince Syndrome?

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. I have 2 x 9yo nephews and I also struggle with them. All 3 kids have different parents.

The boys are all overbearing in conversations - yell and talk over everyone else and already at their age ?!? mansplain and refuse to accept explanations or answers, challenging everything, ie. They all seem to ‘know better’ when a female answers a question and all have very singular topics they are only interested in, not interested in other people really. Step son is obsessed with football, so everything you do has to centre around that, and if it doesn’t, he’s completely disinterested in anything else and just mopes about.

I notice the boys all seem to opt out of clearing up, after a meal finished they will return to either talking about their chosen topic without noticing everyone else is clearing up, or go do their own activity, and have to be asked/reminded to do even minor tasks such as take a plate to the kitchen. I often watch them at family parties and while everyone else is pitching in, they have wandered off kicking a ball around quietly and when asked to help ‘oh I didn’t realise…’ however if it’s something slightly dangerous, they will barge in and get in your way even if you don’t want them to help they feel entitled to ‘help’ like SS demanding to be allowed to ‘light the BBQ’ unsupervised

They are nice boys, but I often read posts on here about people’s useless husbands, and think hmm well, there seems to be an awful lot of these males around… and it probably starts young!

My DH often feels frustrated as he’s very much an equal partner with a female, and believes in equality. He feel like he’s always nagging his son to try to get him to learn about life but many females seem to enable this! DH’s mum acts like SS is made of china, and my mum is the same with my nephew.

Is there a way we can tackle this as society?

The problem is you’re wanting them to be exactly like the girls in your life, you’ll never connect with them. Try talking to your nephews and stepson about the things they love, you can then ask them to help as you’re chatting. My DS will help around the house as long as I’m letting him talk too. We have some amazing conversations about the things he lives, I’ve learnt so much from him and, as I’ve listened to him he will then listen to me when I talk about myself. If you never speak to them you’ll never know them, they’ll see you rejecting them simply because they’re boys, that is more on you than them. If you never teach them the art of conversation how in earth do you expect them to learn it? I know you’re not their parent but you are an adult in their life, act like it.

I have a daughter too, in case you want to dismiss me as a ‘boy mum’.

Great honest post. You’ll raise much better men than those posters here who have their heads firmly buried in the sand. ‘Not my boy.’ Hint, bad men are always someone’s boy.

I don't have children of my own, and I can't say I notice a difference in whether I like other people's children based on their sex. Children are like all people in that respect, there are some you like and some you don't!

You know 3 boys and you also know their parents. Presumably you have observed them and the way they parent - do they have girls that they parent differently? Maybe they are just shit parents.

"I have no experience of brothers or raising boys but I thought I'd offer you my detrimental judgement based on the three boys I do know anyway. It's all down to the parents. There."

Well ta.

In DD1’s class, about 80% of the boys are part of a disruptive group that causes activities to be cut short, for the class to miss out on things because they are misbehaving, who seem incapable of sitting down during carpet time or listening to instructions, etc. From speaking to other parents with kids in other classes, this isn’t uncommon. You don’t tend to get disruptive groups of girls in the same way that affect the whole class. It’s interesting and I wonder why, if it’s parenting, something to with young boys when they get together, what it is. I witness it at parties too.

We’ve always tried to be very sex agnostic about behaviour and stereotypes, but it’s tricky when DD1 comes home every day to say what the ’boys’ have disrupted today.

My DS will help around the house as long as I’m letting him talk too.

@FloweryPenPot so he’ll only ‘help’ if you allow him to tell you the ways of the world according to him. That sounds very much not a good way of raising a good man. There shouldn’t be concessions for boys, and it’s not ‘helping’ it’s living in a house and pulling your weight.

I do agree that we aren’t successfully addressing how some boys are growing to be problematic men. Whether that’s being a bit shit through to abusing/raping/murdering women.

It felt like things were gradually changing and boys were being encouraged to be vulnerable and emotional but the reaction to that has been the manosphere and absolutely toxic masculinity which makes me fear for girls and boys in the future.

I don’t think the OP was helpful at all and it does seem like she doesn’t really like the boys she knows but there is a valid wider point.

I think with boys it’s really easy to tell who’s been raised by strict/firm parents, even more so than with girls. I know some absolutely amazing and delightful boys who would help out without question and who are going to be lovely adults. I also know one who is allowed to get away with really twattish behaviour and I hope that this improves but his parents seem to be of the “now now Jonny” school of discipline which achieves nothing. I know another who’s completely babied and not asked to do anything like his sister was at the same age. And those are in fairly egalitarian households. In some cultures (both white and other ethnicities) there is a massive culture of men not lifting a finger and boys have to really think about it in order to decide to do things differently in adulthood.

'Patriarchal society'

'Mansplaining'

You're talking about children!

Surely the issue is bad parenting of boys, not boys themselves?

My nephews and friend's sons are not as OP describes. But they've been brought up in the same way and with the same standards as girls.

Unfortunately I have encountered the attitudes of different standards for boys elsewhere, including my own peers when young. So I can see where the entitled man children come from.

Interesting that so many assume OP is being goady.

And that attitude, right there, is the issue ladies and gentlemen!

You're attibuting their different personalities to their sex, but plenty of people come on here and say DD1 will always do what we ask , but DD2 is a nightmare (or the same with sons).

I'll swap them for my stroppy teenage girl right now!

Now you are just embarrassing yourself.

I'll be honest, beyond my father in law I don't see it in my circles.

I'm well aware it's prevelent that's not what I'm saying. I am saying it doesn't occur within my friendship group. All the husbands cook and work, all the wives work just as hard

My son and husband are brilliant, so caring and helpful. Yes some boys are raised poorly but it's not a default.

Raging misandrist.

This feels like a ‘you’ problem, OP. Yes, boys and girls are socialised differently, but you will find the whole spectrum of you pay enough attention to enough children and, crucially, aren’t biased (which unfortunately you are).

I have boy/girl twins so have experience every nook and cranny of boy/girl separated and combined parenting and socialisation.

Everything you say I recognise in both boys and girls. Your post is simplistic, ignorant and rather silly.

It doesn't really matter what the reason behind the behaviour is, does it? Still needs nipping in the bud.

It's not unusual OP. Lots of parents of girls don't like little boys. SMOGs!

Out if curiousity, why do you think this is?
Do you think your son gets bad influence from elsewhere, or school let boys get away with more, for example?

You know three boys and on that basis have written off the whole male population as being annoying and entitled? I know girls who are little madams, entitled and cheeky but assume the whole female population isn't like that. You are being ridiculous.

Men are the enemy on here, except when women want to conceive, i wonder how you coped when ypu met the father of your children and how you will cope if your girls dont turn out to have opposite sex relationships

Do you have father and uncle and male cousin issues yourself?

Oh dear. It’s a shame when embarrassment lands like this. What an overreaction.