why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

[Halfmunch]

I am a mother to girls, and have no brothers and I admit I don’t have much experience of raising or being around boys. The boys in my life I can find them overwhelming, frustrating and to be honest, self centred and lazy.

However, I am wondering if this is related to how people parent the boys, and a patriarchal society rather than the boys - as in it’s not their fault, they were not born this way. Is this something other parents have noticed, like Little Prince Syndrome?

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. I have 2 x 9yo nephews and I also struggle with them. All 3 kids have different parents.

The boys are all overbearing in conversations - yell and talk over everyone else and already at their age ?!? mansplain and refuse to accept explanations or answers, challenging everything, ie. They all seem to ‘know better’ when a female answers a question and all have very singular topics they are only interested in, not interested in other people really. Step son is obsessed with football, so everything you do has to centre around that, and if it doesn’t, he’s completely disinterested in anything else and just mopes about.

I notice the boys all seem to opt out of clearing up, after a meal finished they will return to either talking about their chosen topic without noticing everyone else is clearing up, or go do their own activity, and have to be asked/reminded to do even minor tasks such as take a plate to the kitchen. I often watch them at family parties and while everyone else is pitching in, they have wandered off kicking a ball around quietly and when asked to help ‘oh I didn’t realise…’ however if it’s something slightly dangerous, they will barge in and get in your way even if you don’t want them to help they feel entitled to ‘help’ like SS demanding to be allowed to ‘light the BBQ’ unsupervised

They are nice boys, but I often read posts on here about people’s useless husbands, and think hmm well, there seems to be an awful lot of these males around… and it probably starts young!

My DH often feels frustrated as he’s very much an equal partner with a female, and believes in equality. He feel like he’s always nagging his son to try to get him to learn about life but many females seem to enable this! DH’s mum acts like SS is made of china, and my mum is the same with my nephew.

Is there a way we can tackle this as society?

@yebba2026 SS is top of his class. He’s very intelligent and knows he is. He's academically intelligent. He’s not struggling and coming home to take it out on others, he isn’t really aware there are issues he just needs constant reminding about how his behaviour is impacting others. He’s popular and smart, he’s also sometimes entitled, dominating and arrogant and I am trying to set a a good example. I’m not describing boys who are having difficulties at school. My nephew is also very academic and sporty, popular, outgoing. They are cuddly and loving and funny and sweet, as most children are. No one needs to call CAMHs in for help with male entitlement. I’ve not written him off either, I said 2nd post in he’s a nice lad, just he’s been socialised to be entitled and this is a daily battle as a feminist.

It’s not my role as a step mum to root around in a 12yo boys mind or psyche to try to fix something that is a wider society issue! but where on earth do you get the impression I’m not setting values in our home? You are just desperately trying to invalidate me and it’s not working because I do have a point.

Girls are treated differently to boys

society raises boys in the wrong way, and it creates generation after generation of high levels of offences against women and girls. No one wants to address it or admit it could happen to their boys, so it’s always happening to ‘other boys’

But still he's 12 and arguably from a broken home..

@Goldenbear the other 2 boys I know and spoke about are far worse behaved than SS, and they aren’t from broken homes so that argument doesn’t work. Those 2 boys have hands off fathers living in their household who leave all the mental load to the females so they know exactly what roles they are imitating, from their dads.

No one needs to call CAMHs in for help with male entitlement.

He's 12 years old! I have shoes older than him!! You clearly have no idea what this 12 year old CHILD is going through and have no interest in finding out. I find that really concerning.

he’s also sometimes entitled, dominating and arrogant and I am trying to set a a good example.

How are you trying to do that though? You are married to his father - a man who has a responsibility to be a positive influence to him and will arguably be the the main male role model he will ever have in his life. As a parent, he has a responsibility to parent his child to be independent and respectful - and from what you've said, you don't get involved in that. How are you personally "trying" to set a good example?

I’m not describing boys who are having difficulties at school.

Two things can be true at the same time. A boy struggling wouldn't necessarily show through their academic achievement or ability to maintain friendships. This lad appears no safe space of his own. He is split between two blended families which he didn't ask for. He could well still be struggling to process past trauma.

You say that your daughter has ADHD. I expect she is bloody full on and I say that as someone with ADHD! I expect you overlook a lot of her behaviour because of her condition and he probably realises how unequal the household is for him. That isn't his fault.

It’s not my role as a step mum to root around in a 12yo boys mind or psyche to try to fix something that is a wider society issue!

I think it is, actually. You married a man with children and then rejected a 7 year old boy because you didn't take time to understand him? That seems pretty self-serving and not child focused. You wanted the man without the baggage? It doesn't work like that.

As I said in my first reply to you, I think you raised some interesting points. However, it's becoming increasingly clear that where you are demanding that "society" has an answer to this, you are part of "society" - and also an integral part of this boy's family.

Society begins at home, so what are you going to do to make this boy feel safe enough to settle down and work on his behaviour?

I would add that I'm absolutely not trying to invalidate you or your feelings. I'm trying to understand why you appear to be so dispassionate about your step son and why you haven't worked on developing your bond with him. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a 7 year old boy to be expected to adapt to change in the way that he has, without a stepmum who actively wanted to form a bond with him. That's so sad.

I love my friends boy children I think the ones in your family sound worse than average

Because you do not understand the role of a step parent. You are more like an aunt or uncle. Unless the other parent is dead or absent and you adopt them, you are not automatically their default parent, you are part of the extended village that raises the child. I don’t always agree with how other people parent their own children. In that instance, I can either cause a massive divide by over stepping boundaries and making my opinions known and being disrespectful - likely causing my step children and husband more confusion and conflict, or you can take a step back and work with the adults to guide them or understand them and work together on a common approach of what you believe in. I educate my step son if he is stepping out of line on why he shouldn’t, but my husband is ultimately responsible for him.

My DH had children with another woman, and she is alive and well. I am a periphery parent, I am here to assist with nurturing and practical tasks, I do indeed talk to my step son and spend time with him, but he is not particularly interested in bonding relationships with 40 year old boring women, he has his own interests and I’m not his mother, he has a mother, he doesn’t see me as his mother. I am his father’s wife. He would probably be upset if I wasn’t here anymore, but I don’t really present a great deal of value or interest to him day to day. I’m ok with that. I am interested in him and spend time with him, even when I find him frustrating

You seem to have decided that he was 7 when I married his father or moved in and that’s not true, he was older

His mother treats the different sex children differently: as does her husband, and our household does feel the impact of this. They have different views on boys and girls. Its my husbands role to co parent with his ex wife, and communicate.

I think there’s a term for this… misandry. Can you imagine if a man said this about girls? Jesus wept, there’d be uproar.

I have 5 DC and have always found my boys much easier to handle than girls. I love them all dearly obviously but my DD’s have always been way more highly strung, DD1 in particular. Tantrums galore, storming off, shouting, bickering with each other over silly things, bitching endlessly about silly fall outs with friends at school etc.

My DS’s just sort of get on with life, they’re no hassle, never have any bitching or moaning and certainly no tantrums. Can hand on heart say I can count on both hands the amount of times I’ve had to tell the three of them off vs the hundreds of times I’ve had words with DD’s.

Jesus wept 😐