To be furious with DH for this?

[Coffeecherrymama]

First night home since giving birth and DH has gone out with his mates drinking and still isn’t home and he isn’t answering any calls or messages. He didn’t give me any choice, he just said he was going out with his “mates” and then left and said he would be back before 10pm but he’s still not home! I’m so angry that he has just left me here with our newborn when he knows I’m struggling but his mum says I’m overreacting and that he’s “entitled to a night out”! I feel like I could just cry to be honest! AIBU?

👏👏👏 Excellent post

You ought to come back and apologise for this. Will you?

Jeez, the Opinion Police has turned up 🙄
The perils of asking "am I being unreasonable" means that sometimes you might hear things you don't like.

I hope you locked him out. I have 2 DSs in their 30s and I would be ashamed of them if they left the mother of their babies alone on her 1st night home. He can have an evening out later, as for deserving to go out get drunk and ignore phone calls as a father of 2 he gave up that right. I was lucky after giving birth to my 3 dC I felt fantastic full of energy but my husband would definitely felt some of that energy if he had deserted me on my first night home. When he does get back he should be allowed minimal rest and maximum child care. He needs a good kick.

Yes. He has no history of being abusive or unkind, no did she say she didn't love him or that their relationship had been struggling. He did one stupid/selfish thing, for what he should obviously apologize. But from there to blowing up her life and making huge life-changing decisions, especially when she's in a vulnerable postpartum state is a huge mistake.

And posters who are egging her on and gleefully living out their bitterness and hatred through the op, are doing her a great disservice to put it mildly.

Poor children.
"Lose" your keys and get new locks.
Let the loser take you to court.

Report him to 101 for his drunken abuse and of terrifying you and your children.

What a loser.

Just read about his return and the tickets. Take his phone power off and hide he wont remember where it went, burn tickets, film sick and collapse. Get him out of your house. The holiday was my last straw I am so angry on your behalf. Family sound like common scum.

Sure. Just like you didn’t like my comment, so you posted about it.

The pp’s comment wasn’t an opinion btw. It picked out a fact from the OP and stated it in a sarcastic way. Didn’t even have the gumption to express an opinion properly. I’ll say what I like about it thanks.

I’m so sorry that is just awful and clearly he is encouraged by his mum. I don’t usually say this but if he doesn’t see this is wrong you should think about going it alone. You will always be sad with this guy and his mother, and that will drain you. Wish I could hivd you a hug.

This. I’ve had a marriage like this, with an entitled, enabled man child who suits himself pretty much the whole time. He pulled similar stunts after the birth of our first child. His mother pretty well thinks he’s the Messiah despite some appalling behaviour, infidelity, verbal and emotional abuse. It’s a losing wicket. I am embarrassed to admit and to my eternal shame I am still here 30 years later. He has shown me who he is many times, and it’s only now that I’m having therapy and learning that I have a voice, opinions and rights. He’s isn’t liking the new world order at home, but honestly- your OH has shown you who he is. I beg you to believe him.

I agree with the locks. The problem with trying to teach them a lesson, or appealing to their better nature in the hope of change and reflection, with my OH anyway, is that they “rebel” further as they’re so used to being enabled and entitled that they take great offence at being asked to behave as thoughtful, caring, responsible adults. I’ve wasted 30 years trying everything, thinking there must be some words I can use that’ll get him to see, to change. It’s only now, with the help of therapy, that I’ve come to realise that I can only manage my own behaviour and responses. I’ll never change him. It was telling that when I started to push back at home, and not tolerate it, I was told by him “hmm I don’t think you are going to give me any leaway any more”!! I hope OP’s husband isn’t on the same scale, but initial signs aren’t promising.

This also hapoened to me and i was furious. Had had a c ssction too and no family to help.
Needless to say we only lasted 9 mths longer and when we split he spent 3 mths going out and not having dd overnight, even though i was also back to full time work.
Hes showing you how he is now.

Let him go on his trip to Ibiza. It will just add to the proof that he is a POS and you’ll have more justification to get rid. If you need any more justification than you already have. Get him out of your hair for a bit and tell him to not bother unpacking when he gets home.

I don't blame you OP, he and his family clearly have a totally different way of looking at life, and to continue with the relationship after this, would I think just be storing up future problems for you and your children, so better to get rid of him altogether now, then the kids won't miss him.

Sorry this has happened to you, but please try not to let it blight the joy of your new baby. Sending you a hug.

OMFG!!! Not sure why you even feel the need for validation of your anger and disappointment at the selfish, uncaring and frankly unbelievably mean spirited behaviour of your H...not even going to give him the privilege of DH!! 😡
As others have said this is a massive indication of what you will have to get used to in the future in regards to parenting your child (or children should you ever feel tempted to procreate with him again! 🙄) and honestly, I don't know where you go from here as you appear to have absolutely no back up from his mother who should be ashamed of herself but obviously isn't...not difficult to wonder why H is as he is is it!
I am so sorry that you and your little one have been treated so appallingly, is he normally this self obsessed and uncaring or is this a first? Sorry to have to say this but if a person can do something like this apparently without shame then it does not fill me with confidence that he is suddenly going to beg for forgiveness and never do it again...for me the writing is on the wall in big letters and if this is your first child please let it be the last with this excuse for a Dad, partner, husband and friend! 😥
Sending love...xx

I’m afraid the updates are even worse…

How has the piece of shit managed to pay for ibiza if hes been out of work so long?

Surely with just one of you working, and you now on maternity pay, every penny will be vital, yet hes spent it on a bloody holiday, for himself only at that, and with a brand new baby at home. Plus drinks and possibly drugs

Youre basically a single mum at this point, so may as well kick him out, im sure mummy would be only too pleased to take him back

what a piece of shit he is, op I hope your ok

I would imagine that his over-indulgent mother probably gave him the money. She definitely seems to think that his behaviour is just fine and dandy and that OP is making a fuss about nothing.

If he is off work, is he the main carer for the children?

I can relate to your story as it happened to me 24 years ago. We were divorced by the time DS was 2. Your MIL also has the same attitude as my ex mother in law.
I'm surprised he hasn't shown these behaviours before if your other child is 3.
Unfortunately they can and do 'check out' when there is a newborn around.
Only you can decide what you wish to put up with.

I’m intrigued to know if you gave birth earlier than expected? I mean - it would be bad whatever the case, but did he think you might still be pregnant when he went to Ibiza and in his head that wouldn’t have been as bad? But booking a secret holiday is awful whatever the case and going out when you’re just home is also not ok.

Is he thinking you're trapped now so he can behave however the fuck he wants?

Money for a secret trip to Ibiza when he's not working. Complete asshat.

I think the reason for asking for the apology wasn’t a difference of opinion it was the patronising tone when they were very very wrong - he wasn’t 5 minutes late, he was 11 hours late - he threw up all over and passed out. He’s also off to Ibiza tomorrow without telling OP - and to top it off, his holiday and 18 hour bender are being paid for by OP as he is unemployed - so yeah, they should apologise