AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

@QuirkyExpert Has she said she wants to see you?

"Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her"

You are close to your sister.

I'm sure you've had conversations about your mother over the years and whilst your sister obviously respects your decision to be no contact, why do you think she suggested you visit?

You also mentioned "some" guilt, that your mother hasn't met your lovely boys, is there any part of you that would like to show her what a "decent" mother actually looks like?

Ultimately though, the only decision you should make is one that is right for you and one that, you can live with, without a trace of regret @QuirkyExpert

Wishing you peace however you decide to move forward, remember, as a grown woman you have power now which your mother cannot touch🌸

I went no contact with my aggressive, emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother. When she was dying I refused to go see her. My brother couldn’t understand and thought me cold, but I knew I’d never get the apology or acknowledgement of the hurt so what was the point. I did wonder whether I’d regret it once she was dead, but not for a second! She passed about 3 years ago and I rarely think of her.

Do your siblings properly recognise the abuse you got? While biologically the same person they might have had a very different mum to you and never witnessed the abuse first hand so struggle to reconcile the two things.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do OP.
To look at it a different way, the pair of you have got by living this way for decades. It might be too painful for both of you to try to reconcile things at this point.
Now is not the time to potentially reopen old wounds. Let her focus on her recovery and you focus on getting on with parenting your boys.

As hard as it sounds if she wanted you in her life, she would have reached out to you by now.

I did not see my grandmother for many years and did not attend her funeral. She wouldn't have cared. I've never looked back.

If you think it's because she genuinely feels remorse and wants to make things right with you before she dies then you may find seeing her beneficial.

If it's about duty and what you owe her (which is what your siblings are inferring) then you have no need to go. You owe her nothing.

Not seen my dad as a daughter since I was 13, he never bothered to visit or ensure I was OK, bought up other people's kids and we lived in poverty, I bumped into him at my sisters wedding reception we didn't talk or even say hello, then he said hello and my nans funeral after gathering, I shook his hand and said hello as if he was a stranger, as to me he is, hes never seen my kids, and I will not visit him if hes ill or on his death bed or even at his funeral, hes never apologised for our crap life or for treating us like never existing, I'm in my mid 40's and owe him nothing, you owe her nothing, and unless you feel you'd feed guilty if she died and you hadn't then don't visit, you owe her nothing, just because someone's ill or dying doesn't mean suddenly they because an important person. You only go if it's for yourself, not from pressure of other people

Wow the comments here are incredible.

Can you imagine if you were very unwell and your own children didn’t want to come and see you? Would you be ok with that?

What if every little thing you’ve done wrong as a parent was cast up by your children in adulthood annd they tell you what a dreadful mother you’ve been. They then hold a grudge about it for decades and cut you out of their lives, and that of their children’s lives. Would you be ok with that?

If she wanted to compete with you, it suggests to me that she has her own demons to contend with, likely as a result of her own upbringing. Have you considered she experienced her own traumas?

Did she have her own mental health issues at that time? It sounds like it. Did she know how to parent? People generally learn parenting from their own parents and sometimes (particularly from that generation), there wasn’t a great example set.

I have to be honest, the people that I see (as a therapist)who cut parents out of their lives are very often emotionally illiterate and struggle with managing their own very strong feelings. Yes, their parents might not be parent of the year, but they have never managed to self regulate and project it all onto their parent.

I just mention these things because I wonder how much you have seen it from the other perspective.

I personally find it abhorrent that someone would cut a parent out of their lives but that’s not my decision to make.

I have to be honest, you sound very firmly like you’re in victim mode.
I’m hearing that you’ve benefited from an excellent education, and everything that comes with that, made it as a doctor, received funds that are funding your children’s JISAs but it’s not enough. She has tried to get in touch but that’s not good enough. She can’t go back in time you know.

Can you imagine if you were very unwell and your own children didn’t want to come and see you? Would you be ok with that?
ops mum was emotionally abusive, that’s the situation her mother has created for herself. people don’t want to be around that type of person, even if they’re ill, even if they’re related.

She herself belongs to a different generation. Mental health and parenting advice runs aplenty nowadays. It’s accepted to go into therapy. That was very much not the case in her parenting time. She will have likely recreated what she got from her own parents.
you sound tortured by this relationship. I think she will die someday and you will spend the rest of your life continually being tortured by it. I think you need to resolve your differences. Have you talked to her about how you feel? Or did you just cut her out? Was she particularly ‘emotionally abusive’ to all of her children or just you?

I suspect that if you go to see your mother, she will be unable to resist the pleasure of abusing you one last time.

Personally I won’t be giving my own mother that privilege when the time comes. All I will feel when she dies is relief that she can’t hurt me any more. 💐

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I think it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to see her.

Are you really a therapist? I’m a therapist and you really don’t sound like one. She should be grateful because she’s a doctor and grew up with money? Are you for real?

I have hardly lied about it on an anonymous advice site!
I am not suggesting that. But what I am saying is that I feel that she needs to see things from all perspectives and acknowledge the good and the bad. Perspective taking is important, as is reconciliation.
I could say oh poor you, I’m sorry you grew up feeling like that. That’s only part of the picture though and I don’t think it does anyone any benefit. Of course her feelings are valid. But I do feel (based on the info available) it’s a bit one sided. Developing skills to manage the relationship better would be more advantageous in my opinion. Unless mother really is a monster. But to be honest, she sounds a bit cold and lacking strong mothering skills. But not a monster. It’s easy if you don’t have the emotional regulation or relationship skills to just cut people off however it’s not healthy.

But what I am saying is that I feel that she needs to see things from all perspectives and acknowledge the good and the bad. Perspective taking is important, as is reconciliation.

That is how YOU feel.

The OP has described what SHE feels and what her mother was like.

OP describes mental/emotional abuse. 💯
These leave no physically scars, but can be just as damaging, if not more.
When you are ground down daily at a young age, it erodes your self worth and is a toxic environment.
This was a daily subtle form of abuse that causes severe psychological harm.

If she was physically hurt and abused, then everyone would say definitely go NC. 😠
Unfortunately it doesn't show up as bruises, so can be dismissed as just hurtful words and mean comments instead. 🙄

No wonder OP stepped away and broke the cycle.
She could always show her mother the same 'kindness' that she bestowed upon her.
But thankfully she rose above that and as the bigger person, she went NC instead.
@QuirkyExpert

I don’t agree at all. This ‘NC’ trend is abhorrent and emotionally immature, not to mention cruel. Perhaps she will get an insight into what it feels like when her children are older. I don’t think she’s modelling positive relationships very well for her children either.
as an aside, I have very difficult relationship with my mother stemming from similar childhood issues. I would never cut her off though because that shows a fundamental level of disrespect and I have found other, more productive ways of managing the situation. This post just had a narcissistic tone to me. All about ‘me me me’ which of course comes from trauma itself.

That is your choice.

It is completely inappropriate for you to dismiss other people's experience and call it a "trend".

People don't cut relatives on a whim. Many will do it because they faced years or mental and physical abuse.

It is abhorrent for you to call them "narcissistic" for wanting to protect their physical and mental health and no longer want trauma and drama in their lives.

I agree somewhat that it’s useful to try understand if anything happened in her childhood that made her the person she is.

However we all have free will and if anyone is abusive towards their children then they are 100% responsible for that and it never makes it ok.

My own Mother was emotionally abusive, neglectful, selfish, cruel and unloving. I understand that she had a difficult childhood herself and most likely is a Narcissist (which is biological, she didn’t choose to be that) however she had free will to parent us how she chose and she decided to behave terribly.

I had a terribly abusive childhood but I have gone on to have three wonderful children myself - who are loved, nurtured, supported, praised, encouraged and whom I have a very close relationship with. Each of us has the free will to repeat what was done to us or to utterly break the cycle and choose better for our own children.

@QuirkyExpert I personally think you are making the correct decision not see her now. You need to protect yourself. She has had 20 years to try be a better person, to ask you for forgiveness, to try make a new relationship with you, but she hasn’t. Just because she’s ill doesn’t mean you owe her anything.

Some things are impossible to forgive though. That just sounds like a trite platitude towards an OP that was abused by her mum all her life.

Wow! So you are a therapist that judges her clients/patients who make a decision to go no contact with abusive parents? Would you call the surviving children of Fred and Rose West 'emotionally illiterate' if they didn't visit their mum in prison?

Is there any level of childhood abuse where you would consider it OK for adult children to cut off their abusive parents? My opinion is that you should be struck off any professional register that you are on.

You do realise that counsellors, psychotherapists and psychologists, not to mention doctors, nurses and frankly any other profession (any human) have a professional opinion on professional cases that they see? Are you suggesting that we shouldn’t? And moreover that we should be struck off for having one? Of course we see clients where we are sitting thinking that they are emotionally immature. Even the person centred therapists (who just reflect back to clients what they are saying to them) have their own opinion. Of course we would not directly communicate that in a session, albeit we might give a gentle nudge to it but many clients aren’t ready to hear it yet.

How awful for you OP.
as a psychotherapist who deals daily with the ramifications of such parenting, you need to put your own peace first. Forget everyone else’s opinions and thoughts.
you dont owe someone so cruel anything. Only go to see her if you want to for peace of your own mind.

@Pinkypromise43I am a psychotherapist and I find your post utterly ridiculous.

I hope you censor this ridiculous perspective with your clients and allow them to come to the decision as to whether to go no contact or not, with no judgement.

Those who you deem emotionally illiterate have probably become this way through ineffective parenting.

Children do not have to sacrifice their own peace of mind for the sake of their parents. Especially cruel and abusive ones.

The “but she’s your mum, you only get one, she gave birth to you” perspective is stupid and harmful.

well done OP for keeping your children away from her.

Poor OP was a child saying to her own mother PLEASE STOP YOU DONT HAVE TO LOVE ME JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

How utterly sad and horrendous for a child to feel so bullied and despised.

good for you for going no contact. You don’t deserve this continued impact and you’ve kept your children away from it x

Children do not have to sacrifice their own peace of mind for the sake of their parents. Especially cruel and abusive ones.
The “but she’s your mum, you only get one, she gave birth to you” perspective is stupid and harmful.

Well said @scoobysnaxx I am sick of the very harmful stupidity that abounds in society with people who push others to maintain contact with family members even when the person is saying “hey I don’t want to be in contact as I don’t feel emotionally safe or well - this family member hurts and harms me!”

I had the misfortune to have a one-off session with a therapist a bit like that poster. She was all shocked and flustered when I said I’d gone NC and said you can’t do that despite me explaining why. Ridiculous. She gave no other reason for me to end NC other than “it’s your family”. Needless to say I didn’t book another session.

A friend of mine ended up in a psych ward with her friend on Christmas Day last year. She (the friend of a friend) had been pressured to maintain contact with her mum who had been complicit with the perpetrators of her childhood sexual abuse. And one Christmas she just had some kind of a mental breakdown and had to call my friend to take her to hospital on Christmas Day.

So many people are unnecessarily miserable because they’re maintaining contact with people who are not good for them at all.