AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

I wouldn't.
The fact she is ill doesnt change the past one bit.

I will be in the exact same situation in a few years and I am not planning to visit mine. I am not going to give her one last chance to hurl abuse at me.
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, OP.

YANBU to not want to see her. She lost any rights when she abused you.

The only thing that may persuade me to go is if she wanted to apologise for the pain she caused you. I would need to be sure I’m not going into a room where I would be abused again with accusations of abandoning her etc.

You may also want to tell her just how much she hurt you all those years. But equally she may just not be receptive to hearing it. I have a relative like this, she has a ‘grievance collection” mindset and even if I told her why I don’t see her, she wouldn’t be able to take it in, she will always see herself as the perpetual victim.

This. Would you attend her funeral?

OP don't let other people emotionally blackmail you into doing something you clearly don't want to do.

I am no contact with my toxic mother, have been for years and never want anything to do with her again.

People from her side of the family who I also have never been close to (I left home like you as soon as I could and moved to another country to escape my home environment) tried to contact me by stalking I me on social media when she had a fall. I ended up blocking everyone.

You don’t want to see her so don’t. If she hasn’t reached out to you in 20 odd years then she doesn’t really want to see you either. Forget your siblings, it’s none of their business. You’ve come a long way so don’t turn back now.
I am nc with my father. He’s a prize prick and was a horrible father & husband. My brother killed himself 2 years ago and I don’t doubt for a second that the abuse emotionally and physically he suffered as a child and teenager eventually drove him to it.
I will not see my father when he’s sick or dying and I certainly won’t go to his funeral and listen to shite from people saying what a great guy he was. I’ll feel nothing but relief when the fuckers gone.
Sorry for the expletives, he brings that out in me.

I wouldn’t see her, I’m in a similar situation, in my mind I’ve already said goodbye in the sense of she gone from my life, it’s not something I will be revisiting no matter what the cicumstanc

What was her childhood like? What sort of relationship did she have with her parents? These issues seem to go around. Of course it's up to you if you don't want to see her but it might be useful to understand where these feelings spring from.

I've been nc with my mother for 14 years - lifelong abuse towards me and extended to my children. We had police and SS involved because of her actions.

She's mid 70s now. I assume she's still alive 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I wouldn't get back in contact with her for any reason. As someone else said, after all this time, I wouldn't give her the opportunity to he a dick. Which she would be.

She had an operation when I was in my 20s and she sent my brother and me an email saying she was worried she wouldn't survive the GA and wouldn't have chance to tell us how she really felt about us if she died.

So she did.

So, nope.

Unfortunately leopards don't change their spots op, they just age.

This ☝️ 💯 is spot on.

@QuirkyExpert

Abusers are not owed understanding. OP was abused by the woman and chose not to also be a child abuser, she should not waste one moment of her life trying to figure out the woman choices.

I will not be visiting my abuser when she's dying, it will not enhance my life or make me feel good in any way at all.

People reap their sowings.

I 'understand' why my mother was abusive in the sense that I know what life events led her to it. No abuse herself but an adverse life experience in her late teens that permanently changed the trajectory of her life and for which she never sought help. She became very bitter and that, combined with what I suspect was undiagnosed PND, led her to see me as her nemesis before I was 3.

She didn't need to be abusive though. She could have made different choices and she certainly didn't need to become abusive to my own children. She could only see them as an extension of me.

She could have made different choices at any stage of her life. She lied about me, and tried to sabotage me until I cut contact when I was 37. She was dangerous. I could have lost my children because of her actions. (ETA that's not hyperbole. It was made very clear to me by the SW and, as I work in a safeguarding role, I'd have fully supported their position if I hadn't cut contact!)

How much 'understanding' does she deserve?

Op, this is different take on things but would seeing your mother and telling her what you think of her ‘mothering’ of you be of any use to you going forward. You don’t have to be rude, just honest. It may just help you to see her on her way knowing she’s aware of who she was/is.

eta - I’ve seen my birth father twice in 52 years. He’s 93 now and we live at opposite ends of the world. I do have two siblings from his second marriage that I love and I’m in contact with but that’s as far as it goes. We don’t even speak about him as they’re aware the man they know isn’t the man I grew up with. When he dies I’ll be told but they know I’d not attend the funeral (I can easily afford the trip) for the simple fact I won’t mourn him.

Don’t go because you don’t want to and that’s ok. Other people need to stop pressuring you and your husband needs to accept your decision.

I can tell you from my own experience I wish I hadn’t visited my toxic parent. I didn’t need to for me, it was pressure from others.

I don’t think going to see her now will be any benefit to you after she’s dead.

Honestly, it’s not worth it. They don’t listen, they don’t hear it and the OP will end up being vilified for it.

People very rarely get the apology and resolution they hope for and need.

I'm obviously not the OP but this is a risky choice and not one that would be advised.

The OP is in a good place now. Her mother is incredibly unlikely to be receptive. She is unlikely to get anything out of the experience other than a reopening of long healed wounds.

@GreyCarpet and @Ohgoose hi there, I totally understand what you said and I’ve probably not made myself clear but I wasn’t even thinking of an apology from the mother to the daughter. More like a save your breath and don’t speak kind of thing whilst the Op said her piece (obviously not a long one) but I can see that’s very naive of me.

Yes. My sister and brother aren’t big fans of her either. I’m the youngest, they’re from a different generation, my siblings are all firmly gen x, I’m a millenial by a couple years. Generation doesn’t affect anything but I think their values are slightly more traditional to mind.

We all enjoyed being at boarding school just to get away from her.They only speak to her when they have to. I just haven’t had to in 25 yrs. She has tried but I’ve always just ignored but now she’s ill my siblings want to at least make sure she’s somewhat okay

Yes mainly just to avoid any conflict from her side of the family as they do keep in touch, they send gifts for my children, birthday cards, contribute to their JISAs etc so I’d go to the funeral because I respect my family regardless of my relationship with my mother.

Nah, you’ve already made your peace. She’s already gone to you. Stay away.

OP don’t let well meaning people who’ve never been in your shoes persuade you to do something you don’t want to. You’ve done so well to build a healthy life. It sounds like your DSis and DH want you to go so they’ll feel better and everyone keeps up appearances. They’re not good enough reasons to disturb your peace.

I’ve had a similar experience recently and supported my DSis who has tried to go low contact without a lot of success. She’s still in the drama and stress, I’m not. And I have no intention of being. I may attend a funeral to support DSis but I’m not being dragged back into the chaos they cause while they’re still alive. My life is too good now to set it back.

Why exactly do they want you to go? Is it for your benefit? Has she asked for you? Do they just feel it would be tidier and nicer if you had been?

That should not matter surely ? There comes a time where you’re not a victim anymore. She had all the resources to do the work.

How come my childhood isn’t affecting how I raise my children. You’re right issues do go round but it’s up to the individual to break the cycle. She had every opportunity to break the cycle she chose not too as that’s too much hard work. She’s not a victim anymore and neither am I. I’m in my 40s I can’t go around saying how much of a victim I am. I’ve had so many years to work on things and so has she.

You did the right thing by cutting this abusive woman out of your life @QuirkyExpert Feel no more guilty about not going to see her than you would about not visiting a nail that went through your foot.

You have your peace, your family and your sanity. People like your mother will destroy all of that.

I had a similar childhood and moved across the world to get away from my toxic and abusive mother and sibling.

I stayed in contact with phonecalls with great periods of time of low and no contact to protect my emotional health.

Each time I fell back into context with her it ended up in tears, but then I'd feel sorry for her and it would start up again. She often seemed to not understand what she'd done, how hurtful she had been, which was confusing for me.

I came to see perhaps she was autistic and the abuse was due to disregulation and meltdowns. This made me feel even more sorry for her!

Fast forward to a few years ago during a period of contact and my mother became ill with cancer. It was during lockdown so couldn't have travelled even if I wanted. I felt sorry for her and we started phoning weekly.

I can't tell you the amount of times I've regretted the last time I went nc and then started contact again.
I wish I'd stayed NC then, because the hurt and pain continuesnbut I feel trapped because she's old and near the end of her life.

All this to say, you're NC for a reason. Sometimes it's worth reviewing that decision but if you know it's going to cause more pain, then that's your answer.