AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead, so this makes perfect sense. I have known two women well who were estranged from their mothers. Both mothers were nasty pieces of work ( who ironically were popular in their villages, they seemed to reserve their hate for their adult kids). Both women felt nothing when their mothers passed and didn’t go to the funerals. One woman has a lovely relationship with her siblings now that the poisonous parent is no longer causing mischief.
do what feels right for you. Frankly after this length of time and after this much work on yourself it seems to make more sense to just stay away until she has passed then you can connect with your wider family at her funeral and all move on. I feel this way about my dad sadly, although I still see him as I love my mother, but if my mum goes first I won’t have anything more to do with him. I wish you well, your kids are lucky to have you as their mum.

Well, the main thing that sticks out at me from your post is that your sister thinks you should go and see her. Not that your mum has said that she she’d like to see you, or even that she’s asked your sister to pass a message on. So if I were you I’d probably
not be considering it at this point, any more than you might otherwise consider it (that is, if she weren’t ill).

I haven’t spoken to my mother for several years for lots of reasons. My father asked me what it would take for me to talk to her again, and I said that all she needs to do is apologise. He said that she won’t do that.
What was I supposed to do with that?

So when the time comes I won’t be visiting.
I am massively paraphrasing here, there is a huge backstory which isn’t relevant to OP’s post. Just a perspective.

I find it hard to relate to this because I was lucky to have a loving mother. She wasn’t perfect but she’d do anything for me and my sister if needed. But I still think if you don’t want to go, don’t. It sounds horrendous what she put you through.

I understand OP, this is something that worries me too. Also haven’t spoken to my dad since I was 25. I actually first stopped speaking to him at 19 for various reasons but DH insisted I contact him so he could forge a relationship with DC. I did and it was a disaster, he just spoke about himself non stop so I decided not to bother again. He’s delusional tbh and lives in a fantasy world where he’s famous- he even self published his memoir last year and it was clearly AI generated which is nuts but hey ho.

I worry what will happen when he gets old and maybe sick. He’s only mid 50s now so there’s time but it does concern me. Your situation isn’t unique, I think lots of people who are NC with parents think about this and then experience it. It’s difficult to say whether you’d feel any better for at least reaching out before she passes, only you can call that.

Wise advice. You do not need to go if you don’t want to.

I think you should protect your mental health but I'm going to throw out a few questions, just to look at it from different angles.

If your mother needs care or visits that your siblings have to provide, will your siblings resent you later? Even though it's an individual choice, if she lashes out at them as she gets more sick, it would be understandable if it feels like you unfairly escaped the brunt of it compared to your siblings. Would sharing the load help you come together?

Connected to this, could you attending a future funeral be misinterpreted as intruding on their grief when you didn't have a relationship (for very understandable reasons)? Surely there would be some raised eyebrows.

I think it would be better to be consistent and not attend if it comes to that. You can care for you extended family in other ways that won't be misinterpreted

I had a similar upbringing to you but with different emotional abuse from my mother who is also very manipulative. My father was incredibly self centred so my relationship with him was largely based around him.
I went NC with my mother, who is still alive, 15 years ago. I also had counselling before reaching that point to ensure I was doing the right thing for me.
My father died 10 years ago. I hadn’t spoken to him for 2-3 years before that. There was nothing really to grieve and I don’t feel guilty.
I think you need to decide what you want/expect/need to get from contacting her and whether she can give that. If the answer is “no” then I wouldn’t open up old wounds and feel the pain over again because you feel you “should” make contact. If you genuinely want to (it doesn’t sound that way) I think you need to prepare yourself for what your relationship would be like.

OP,
I absolutely do not think you should go near her.
Go to the funeral for sure to support your siblings, but there is nothing to be gained to seeing her when you clearly do not want to.
You will feel huge relief she is gone and it is over.
You have made a great success of your life in spite of her.

Make the decision not to go and stick to it.
Put yourself first.

I never actually cut my parents out. I had a lot of shit happen as a child and they were more concerned with their appearance and hushing it up than supporting me. Other stuff too, like you op it was made clear I wasn’t loved. I do t know if it’s the same for you but my siblings didn’t live through that because they were wanted and loved so they cannot understand my point of view, I don’t think they even believe the childhood I had sometimes because they were in the same house with such a different childhood. I used to get a lot of comments about how I should forgive they are getting older blah blah blah. One of my parents got sick and I did the dutiful thing if visiting more and helping where I could. If I ever said to friends I’m only doing it because it’s a Christian value I really don’t care for them i get told that was harsh I can’t possibly feel like that. Parent died. I was not upset. I knew I would not be upset.

if you don’t feel like you would be bothers if she dies and you hadn’t seen her then then stick to your guns. Some people just cannot comprehend not wanting a relationship with your parent, they cannot understand that it’s damaging when you have history like this.

I’d go and see her. Tell her the truth about your upbringing from your perspective. Say you wish you’d had a better relationship but it wasn’t up to you to make it happen. Then go.

Very similar situation to me. People who haven’t experienced it can’t understand - not an insult just a fact. I didn’t see her before she died and don’t regret it at all. Feel a sense of relief she’s gone

I can relate to your relationship with your mother.

It's fair and reasonable for your sister to let you know about your mother's ill health, but only you can decide whether it's right for you to visit her.

YANBU to stay away if that's what you feel you need. Letting go takes a lot and is not something anyone does lightly. You likely would have said your goodbyes mentally throughout the years and made peace with that.

I think the fact that she has not met your children is a good indication of the strength of your feelings on the topic.

The decision to attend a funeral to support your family has nothing to do with whether you visit her while she is ill. YANBU to separate these actions.

Remember that you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. You may still feel emotional when she passes, as there seem to be lots of emotions tied to your relationship, or lack there of.

Sending you strength x

OP well done on breaking free.

Do what is right for you.

I have twin daughters and cannot imagine ever being so mean towards them the way your mother was to you. Emotional abuse is equally, if not more damaging than physical abuse. You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to see her. You have done well to get your life together and don't need to open up old wounds.

I think, after nigh on 20 years, you don’t need to re establish contact if you don’t want to. Is your mother actually dying? Your sister has said she’s very unwell, but what’s the prognosis? What is your relationship with your siblings like and is it likely to be damaged if you don’t go to see your mother?

A deathbed reconciliation isn't a genuine one, youv have permission to protect your peace.

I agree with this. You have said it yourself, you know it will undo the work on yourself and make you feel awful.

If she died, would you be able to live with the guilt of not seeing her?

Forgiveness heals the person who forgives as well as the one forgiven.

This is really tricky. I have a very difficult relationship with my now octogenarian mother. I have gone very low contact rather than no contact because I couldn’t handle the wider family fall out if I cut her off completely. I’m interested in how you think your mother’s upbringing is of no relevance because you’ve managed to break the cycle. If my mum wasn’t my mum I’d feel very sorry for her. Lost a parent at 4, packed off to boarding school at 6. She’s emotionally crippled as a result. I know why she is the way she is - it doesn’t make it right and it made her a terrible parent. I found it easier to cope with when I realised her early experiences damaged her so badly she didn’t have the tools to be better. I still don’t like her and I’m cross that she couldn’t dig deeper and do better, but I’m less cross because I realise she can’t because it would destroy her. You might want to explore this with your therapist as I found it lessened the rage.

I think you should, otherwise you’ll never know what could of been

You can choose to forgive without any further contact.

I’d weigh up your decision by thinking of the consequences. What are the consequences of you seeing her, and those of not seeing her…maybe then you can make an informed decision.

Will your conscience be clear if you don't visit her?

She wasn't a mother to you. She was cruel and unloving. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty about anything.

I won't be visiting my father, nor attending his funeral at the end of his life.