AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead, so this makes perfect sense. I have known two women well who were estranged from their mothers. Both mothers were nasty pieces of work ( who ironically were popular in their villages, they seemed to reserve their hate for their adult kids). Both women felt nothing when their mothers passed and didn’t go to the funerals. One woman has a lovely relationship with her siblings now that the poisonous parent is no longer causing mischief.
do what feels right for you. Frankly after this length of time and after this much work on yourself it seems to make more sense to just stay away until she has passed then you can connect with your wider family at her funeral and all move on. I feel this way about my dad sadly, although I still see him as I love my mother, but if my mum goes first I won’t have anything more to do with him. I wish you well, your kids are lucky to have you as their mum.

Well, the main thing that sticks out at me from your post is that your sister thinks you should go and see her. Not that your mum has said that she she’d like to see you, or even that she’s asked your sister to pass a message on. So if I were you I’d probably
not be considering it at this point, any more than you might otherwise consider it (that is, if she weren’t ill).

I haven’t spoken to my mother for several years for lots of reasons. My father asked me what it would take for me to talk to her again, and I said that all she needs to do is apologise. He said that she won’t do that.
What was I supposed to do with that?

So when the time comes I won’t be visiting.
I am massively paraphrasing here, there is a huge backstory which isn’t relevant to OP’s post. Just a perspective.

I find it hard to relate to this because I was lucky to have a loving mother. She wasn’t perfect but she’d do anything for me and my sister if needed. But I still think if you don’t want to go, don’t. It sounds horrendous what she put you through.