AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

Would your extended family expect you to go to the funeral? Or are they aware of who she was to you and try and make up for it by being there for you and your children. It could just be that they’d not expect you to go to the funeral.

I think if you're absolutely sure you won't regret it if she does die, then for your own peace you may be best leaving things as they are. Some hurt runs too deep to ever be put right.

My mum had a similar relationship with her dad. I never met him either. Then suddenly he got very sick very quickly and she didn’t go to see him. He died - she would have had time to go and “get closure” but didn’t.

She said why open old wounds? He bought her nothing but misery. He may have changed as he aged but he left his kids with a lifetime of pain, physical scars and emotional trauma. She owed him nothing.

She doesn’t regret a thing. Some extended family raised an eyebrow that she didn’t see him on his deathbed - but why would she. Nothing to be gained from it. She had already “got closure” when she cut him off.

What your sister and husband think is irrelevant, it must be your decision.

They would not expect me, they understand the situation. I would just do it out of respect for my mothers family. I am still in contact with them, they comes and visit my children etc they haven’t just cut me out of the family. My aunt (mums sisters) came to visit and stay with my husband and I both times when my children had just been born. I think regardless of my situation with my mum I owe it to my family to be there for them if my mother was to pass away. I will 100% go to the funeral. My love for my family on my mothers side is stronger than my dislike for my mother. They would want me to be there.

Terrible advice!
OPs mother isn't suddenly going to have an epiphany on her death bed. If she was capable of loving OP for the person she is, capable of insight into her behaviour and the impact of it, and capable of apologising, she would have done so at some point in the last 44 years.

It doesn’t matter. As I got older I realised my Mother had a terrible childhood but that makes little difference to the way I feel and absolutely no difference to the way my sibs feel (if I raise it they won’t hear of it). It’s sad but she’s still really horrible to us and other people - she’ll never change. You don’t need to understand where she’s coming from.

All kinds of relatives will come creeping out from under their stones to try to guilt you into seeing your mother. This is what happend to me. Id get a letter with a line "Ring XXX urgently" and it was some creepy aunt Id never seen for years telling me that XXX. After the first one I ignored the rest. I even moved house without telling my relatives my new address. Thankfully there were no mobiles back then.

You sound tortured with the decision.
So, I think you will regret not visiting.
If you decide to see your mother, make it on your terms.
When the time suits you, for a limited time and one visit.
Make polite conversation and otherwise answer questions as you please or sit in silence.
Default to being kind.

She can never hurt you like before. You might be reminded of times but you are strong and not in need of her to escape to a great life.

For your children's sake I would take them to meet her, along with your DH, and bring them in half way through the meeting.
You don't want the upset of being blamed later when your cildren complain that they never met their grandmother.

Plan a supportive meet up with a sibling afterwards to help you talk about and process your visit.

I think you have sensibly and reasonably considered this whole situation.

YANBU not to visit her now. Your siblings need to accept your decision. If she becomes more unwell you may decide to say goodbye or you may not

Attending a funeral for the family is quite usual.

You don’t want to go, so don’t. It is literally no one else’s business op, don’t be guilted into sonething that is your business and yours alone. I wouldn’t go if I was in your position, no way. Other relatives make their choices and that’s fine for them.

@user1492757084 Thats awful advice. The OP doesn’t sound in the least bit tortured. She knows her own mind and other people are trying to persuade her to do something she doesn’t want to. They need to stop it. She’s asking if she’s unreasonable to say no, she’s not.

My father died when I was in my early forties and I cut contact with him when I was about 12. It was cancer, so plenty of warning he was on his way out. One sibling decided to initiate contact. I didn’t, and I have no regrets. I understood why he was the way he was, and I had pity for him that he could have had a lovely life surrounded by children and grandchildren, but I had no desire to invite any of that negativity back into my life. You can forgive someone but still keep those barriers up to protect yourself. You have nothing that will play on your conscience because you’ve done nothing wrong. Your siblings have to do what’s right for them but that doesn’t mean they get to dictate what’s right for you.

What I will pass on is a piece of advice that was passed on to me. Imagine she died this morning. Is there anything you wish you had been able to say to her? I didn’t have anything I wanted to say. I also think it would have fallen on deaf ears if I had. But you have to do what’s best for you. Shut everyone else out, don’t be guilt tripped into either going to see her, or keeping quiet if there is something you want to say. Just make sure you’re certain you’ve made the right choice for you 💐

ETA, I didn’t go to the funeral or accept any money from his estate either. Those choices were right for me but, again, it’s nobody else’s business if you make a different choice.

I didn’t go see my dad when he was dying as we’d been no contact for years. I don’t regret it now he’s gone.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Infact, I’m quite jealous of your resolve.

My own mother was similar to yours. I remember being told how stupid I am, at the age of 13 being told I was unemployable and I wouldn’t be even amount to a job in Woolworths.

Although my younger sister was the favourite, she still came in for a lot of the same treatment. My mother did come to my graduation, but refused to go to my sister’s, as my mother said the subject sister chose wasn’t academically rigorous enough.

My sister died of cancer 3 years ago and one of the last words she said to me was that she wished she had been loved more than my mother.

When I phoned my mother to tell her my sister had passed, my mother immediately began listing off all the items she wanted from my sister’s flat.

I wish I had cut off all contact with mother 20 odd years ago, because every conversation with her opens up such terrible wounds.

Be kind to yourself and focus on the family you do have.

Nope. I’ve been NC with my Father for decades. Another relative (who is also a sandwich short of a picnic) took it upon himself to inform me that my father is now terminally ill.
I have ignored said message and I will continue to ignore any further messages. He had literally decades to do the right thing and he chose not to. I choose not to disrupt my incredibly hard won peace by re-engaging. I won’t see him and I won’t attend the funeral. And I am……happy isn’t the right word, so maybe…satisfied with that decision? I regret that he wasn’t a better father but I do not regret cutting him off.

How do I sound tortured ? She’s still alive she’s just quite unwell at the minute

They’re still my family. Is it not normal to still want to be there for them? I think a lot of them would mourn her death they’re her family. They’d want all the children to be there. I’m still very close to my cousins, siblings, I see my sister quite often she lives in the same city as me, we speak almost every single day and have spoken pretty much everyday of our lives, similar wirh my brothers we have a sibling WhatsApp group chat that we speak on. My eldest brother lives in Australia so having a group chat is an easy way to keep in contact despite the time difference.

I think despite my relationship with my mother I respect my family I love my siblings I’d want to be there for them at the funeral. I think it would be odd not to attend the funeral. At that point she is no longer alive not attending the funeral and being with my family I think would just be pure spite and they’ve done nothing to me so seems pointless.

Don’t go , you’ll end up undoing all the work you’ve done on yourself, I know I’ve done it , don’t look back x

People always suggest the path of least resistance which is often not the best thing for you. Your DH and siblings didn’t experience her like you did - and the impact on you personally is unique.

I think this is your last great boundary and you should not abandon yourself to appease your sister or your DH.

Has your DM even asked to see you?

That's why I said it was usual to attend to support the family.

I've been to funerals of people I didn't know to support the family left behind.

I stopped speaking to my mother when I was 11, not spoken or seen her for 48 years, she’s now not well and I’m not going to be seeing her

I’m quite lost now because you’ve said your extended family understand your situation and wouldn’t expect you to go to the funeral. Then there’s the fact you being no contact with mum hasn’t prevented you and your extended family having a loving relationship with each other. To me it’s obvious they love you unconditionally yet you seem to be determined to show them respect by going to your mums funeral - something they wouldn’t ask of you.

So why have you had to ask the question in the first place if you’re determined to go for them? And is it really for them you would be going?

I very much wish you all the best going forward and I’m glad you have a lovely extended family in your life. I’ve seen my father twice in 50 odd years but I do have a (step) dad who's been the only father I’ve ever wanted or needed since I was 15. I’m 68 now. ❤️

Nah, no contact is no contact, she's unwell, she's not suddenly stopped being a horrible person who hurt you very badly when she should have represented security, support etc etc.

All kinds of relatives will come creeping out from under their stones to try to guilt you into seeing your mother. This is what happend to me. Id get a letter with a line "Ring XXX urgently" and it was some creepy aunt Id never seen for years telling me that XXX

Funny how these toxic families all operate the same. I’m seeing quite a few similar takes on this thread about random relatives trying to pressure you into making contact.

Sad but somewhat comforting to know others have had this same experience too.