AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

I’m sure you mean well but personally this feels like really poor advice.
The mother could still hurt the OP with her words, and just seeing her could bring it all up for the OP in a way that could feel really harmful to her recovery. Even if she tries the guilt trip stuff that could still impact her.

Then to bring the children into that just feels more risky. They don’t need to be exposed to this difficult dynamic and their mothers hurt and pain.

Exactly. You also get those estranged relatives who crawl out of the woodwork to announce that a distant Great Uncle/Aunt/cousin whom you’ve never even met is unwell, in hospital etc. Apparently, that counts as a valid reason to turn up on your doorstep unannounced after years of silence.

Don't go if you know in your heart that it will drag you back and re-open wounds you've tried so hard to process. Your DH doesn't understand as he was not there, he did not go through it. You know your own mind, your own lived experience, your own pain. For the health of yourself and your children, you need to put your own mental health first. Don't allow yourself to be guilted to back down. Trust yourself and know yourself. Protect yourself!

You sound like you have thought it all through and have come to a considered judgement in the matter. The only thing to be gained would be to avoid you feeling guilty if she dies without you seeing her, this is probably what your husband is trying to avoid for you in recommending you go. Avoiding it being on your conscience. But you probably won't feel guilty, will you? What benefit does it give either of you to either open up old wounds or sit awkwardly making polite conversation?

You know in your gut. Do what is right for you.

My DM emotionally abused me too. It’s very hard as everyone that comes into contact with her thinks she is marvellous. I tried as much as I could to be a good daughter but the final straw(s) were when she declined picking my DS up from nursery whilst I was miscarrying as she had a luncheon to attend. And the final straw was when she agreed to look after my DS’s (I had a successful pregnancy later) but she got invited out so arranged for a ‘friend’ to look after the boys. She manipulated me so bad that she made me think I was wrong.

No one can decide what to do about seeing her but you. However, be kind to yourself and your family. I hope you are ok xxx

Don’t go OP
Chabcrs are if your mum is as cunty as you remember her parting shot is likely to be negative, which is not something you need nor should give the opportunity for.
If she is sorry, then she’s 29 years too lste
I had similar when one of my parents died and I don’t regret not seeing them at all
You do you

You need to decide what you will regret more:

Going to see her, and potentially wishing you didn't.

Or,

Regretting not seeing her one last time.

Of course you don't have to have anything to do with her. Obviously, that would mean haveing nothing to do with any inheritance. Can't have it both ways.

I am estranged from a family member ( their doing ) and despite of me still loving them , if they were to turn up because I was very ill , I would be questioning the motive.
( I wouldn't actually question them )
I think if you did , it's more for the benefit of yourself and not for them . As you'd be going because your siblings have said you should and not because you want to , I'd stick with your gut and don't go .

If you don't want to go then don't go. Especially if it will affect you badly mentally. Has she even tried over the last 20 years? Dying / being ill doesn't all of a sudden make someone a saint or a better person and I hate when people try to make this the case. I also think it's hypocritical when people turn up when people are dying / at their funeral when they haven't spoke to them in years, I personally stand by my no contact/ feelings etc dead or alive 😂 do not feel guilty one bit at the end of the day you have to do what's best for you.

This is really not a good idea.

Default to being kind? Why should anyone be kind to somebody who was utterly vile to you for your entire life? You have got to be joking.

Forgive her

Hi. I went totally NC with my family when I was 20 or so. LC from 18+ after doing a bunk at 16. Enough was enough. 45 years ago now.
I was nagged and nagged, by phone, by a friend of the family to see the mother person, in hospital, very ill, she’s changed, desperate to see you. Usual rubbish. I drove from The Highlands where I was working, down to East Anglia. This was 2002 by then.
The first thing she said was ‘you took your time you nasty little bitch. I didn’t reply, I just went home to Scotland (via a B&B, I am not an idiot).

What I am trying to say that if you don’t want to see someone, after years of NC, then don’t. I regret the being guilt tripped into going but gratifying to see the old bat hadn’t changed and wanted one last chance to try to belittle me. It was always her, not me.
I would not have felt bad, had I not gone. I would not have regretted not going either. She’s been dead 24 years now, I have not had one millisecond of doubt about the NC, nor the walking out. Your own peace is paramount and I wish you only the best in whatever you decide. Your mother has had nearly 20 years to have tried contact and reconciliation, I suspect nothing has changed.
I wish you love & peace with whatever you decide to do.

If you don't want to go don't go. Just make sure you have explored every inch of you mind and feeling to ensure you wont regret it. If your positive you won't don't go and certainly don'tapologise. She is the parent. She's had best part of 20 years to make up with you. You are not responsible for how she was. Take care Op x

My dad was persuaded to go visit his father on his deathbed. Like a fool he went. The last thing his father did was turn his face away from my dad and ask where his brother was.

He got to treat my dad like shit one last time. My dad certainly didn't feel like he had been the bigger person or any of the other bullshit people come out with.

He felt humiliated and like a total dumb fuck for even having a tiny bit of hope his dad might have a single kind word at the end.

I think in situations like this I tend to sit down and play it through in my head what the best and worse chain of events would be with each option.

You don't see her. How would you feel, would you have any regrets. Now or if she passed away.

You do see her. Would people expect you to continue seeing her, would there be obligations to help her? To support your siblings in doing your bit to care for her? If she's relatively okay would it open up old wounds for her and you? Would she try harder to see you? Would knowing you had kids make her want to meet them? She's too toxic for you to handle so could you in good conscious being her into their lives? Is there any way it could go well, genuinely, given who she is?

Whether or not you see her, when she does die I think you could feel some complicated ambivalent feelings. Did your therapy touch on how you'd feel then? You sound like you've worked very hard and to a greater or lesser extent you will have mourned for the mother you wanted, deserved and should have had. Will you be sad? Will you feel unconscious societal pressure to feel appropriately sad, but not truthfully be. Will you feel the lifting of an invisible weight? Will you feel guilty for feeling that relief? It's ok to feel all of those things.

Would seeing her now help any of that? It doesn't sound like you want to have it out with her in some clearing the air, come to jesus moment. I expect therapy has helped you to come to terms with the fact that you wouldn't get what you want or need from that, and it would cause you emotional harm to attempt it

Given your history I'd say seeing her now needs to be benificial to you in some way.
I don't think seeing her has to mean that you would undo work you've done in therapy. If you saw her as the 40 year old woman you are today and held her at an emotional distance; saw her as a flawed person and inadequate mother, I don't think you'd undermine anything. Alternatively, if you thought you would instantly revert back to old patterns of behaviour and emotionally feel like your teenage self in her presence, then that would be painful and have an impact. Do you feel there's a benefit to you to find out who you are around her now?

Is it important to you to conform to the "good and dutiful" daughter idea that other people may demand of you? Would you see her so that other people think well of you? I'd say this is the worst reason to see her and will lead to you feeling resentful of those who demand it of you and you feeling like you'd betrayed yourself.

Do you have any need to say goodbye? To shut the door on your childhood?

If you don't have a good reason to see her, it's ok not to. Seeing her because you worry (or other people tell you) you might regret not seeing her is also a pretty rubbish reason to see her. If you don't see her you'll know that you thought about this choice deeply and made the best decision to protect yourself that you could right now. And that strength to protect both the adult you are now and the child part of you that still exists within you will weigh strongly against any potential imagined future regret.

I hear how much work you’ve done to find peace, and it’s clear you’ve built a wonderful life for your own family. I’d like to offer a different perspective, simply as someone who was once in a very similar situation.

Parenting in previous generations was vastly different from what it is today.

It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but your mum likely did what she thought was best with the very limited 'emotional toolkit' she had.

Often, parents like that were treated the exact same way by their own parents—that cycle was all they knew.

You mentioned knowing deep down that she was proud of you; to me, that suggests there was love there, even if she lacked the skills to show it in a healthy way, or the way you wanted her to. My mum was the same.

Today, we are lucky. We have books, videos, and endless resources teaching us what 'good parenting' looks like.

Our parents’ generation didn't have that; they just survived. Sometimes we judge our parents by modern rules they never even had the chance to learn. The only people that were there to guide them was their parents! And those generations were tough!

A little compassion and forgiveness for those 'rules of old' might be a path toward your own final healing.

I say this because when she is gone, she is gone.

I was in your shoes once, and I am so glad I reached out. Was my mother perfect? No. Did she hurt me? Yes. But by reaching out, I was able to understand where she was coming from, and it changed everything for me.

Ultimately, it is your decision. You asked for perspectives, and this is just one to consider. I would think very carefully about this moment, as it’s one you can’t get back once it’s passed.

I was in a similar position, my mum was in a hospice and “wanted to see me”. I didn’t want to see her. I kept being told I’d regret it, but in the end I knew I didn’t want to go, so I didn’t. I’ve never regretted it. It’s you who has to live with it, and protecting your peace is so important.

I also didn’t go to her funeral, I felt that would have made me a hypocrite so I stayed away. My dad (divorced from my mum for over 30 years when she died) and sister couldn’t understand my decision but it was definitely up to me.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm estranged from my own mother who also isn't a very nice person. She left when I was 10 and all I felt was relief when she left me and my siblings with our dad and told him at least we wouldn't get beat up any more. She was also emotionally abusive aswell as physically. I saw her for a while after I had my eldest children and all she did was try to manipulate and twist her narrative to turn me against my dad so I cut her off. I gave her another chance after my daughter found her on Facebook but all she wanted to do was try to tell me how to parent my kids and she wanted to take my youngest two to live with her. I saw what she was up to and I cut her off again and have no intention of contacting her ever again now regardless of her health. Last time I saw her she was going blind slowly due to a condition she has. None of her kids speak to her and neither do any of her other family members. All she has is her husband because all of her family see how manipulative and nasty she is. I'll not regret cutting her off even when she's gone. I'm hoping no one contacts me when she does pass

@QuirkyExpert I sincerely hope you will ignore this frankly daft suggestion. After all you’ve been through, I’m sure your dc would not wish to have a ‘relationship’ with your mother - and how could that could be achieved now. You’ve suffered so much, made your choice, you’ve worked so hard to get past the emotional abuse she inflicted, there is no good reason to pick that scar open again. It’s great that the rest of the family are in your life and that you’ll go to the funeral etc, but you’re quite within your rights to resist visiting her now, just because she’s ill. For whose benefit? This issue will be taking up a lot of your headspace I expect, make your decision, tell dh and siblings and let that be the end of it. It’s your relationship with your mother, no one else’s, so they should not try to influence you. Totally your choice. Discuss with a therapist if need be, someone impartial.

It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but your mum likely did what she thought was best with the very limited 'emotional toolkit' she had. @Mumofadultkid oh come on - did you read what op wrote about how her mother treated her? Nobody needs a toolkit to know that’s not what you do. Did what she thought was best? On what planet? That’s so ridiculous as to be insulting to the op, trying to minimise her mother’s cruel behaviour with such drivel.

I’m sorry op that you are being put in a situation by your siblings where they are heaping on the pressure to visit. I’ll share you a story of when my Dad took ill.

He had a stroke during a period of around 18 months being NC with my parents, following some very distressing drama.

When I got the call that he was in intensive care, I diligently drove the 6 hour drive to see him. I remember my mother taking the opportunity to showboat in front of of the doctors about how I’d “stopped talking to him” and how I’m paying for it now as I’m seeing him in a hospital bed. I wish I had screamed and walked out. But I didn’t. The way the doctors looked at me was awful. I just didn’t stick up for myself though as I didn’t want to play into the drama.

I just wanted to make you aware that some people could use this as a chance to vent and make you look like the black sheep and be all like “ look who’s crawling back”. Normally in these family dynamics, people do have roles they play and you will know of this could play out like this. I just didn’t appreciate trying to do the “right” thing while playing the bad guy for the 1000th time.

Different perspective, as I put in my response - I see you’re not ready to hear this.

Easy to judge yesterday based on today’s rules - I wonder what the future will hold for you and your today’s decisions, behaviour, actions based on current day thinkings…… time will tell.

I was merely pointing out that different generations did it different and had no ‘therapy’ help to see how they could do things differently. You seem locked in your opinion - where’s your critical thinking skills?

Not too long ago it was spare the whip spoil the child, children should be seen and not heard ….. but generations develop and learn and things are different now.

Ive obviously hit a nerve with you here.

Personally I’d go, on my own terms, as insurance against regret.