AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

That’s tough. My mum wasn’t perfect, but she loved me and mostly did her best. A bit like me and my parenting! I can’t imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of a mum like yours.

It’s hard to put myself in your shoes but I recon, be guided by how you think you’ll feel after she dies. Will you regret not seeing her? Or will you just mourn the mum you wish she was? Make your own mental health the priority.

What other people think about this is irrelevant OP. You don't want to see her, whether she's ill or not, so don't. As long as you are okay with that and potentially never seeing her again, that's your decision to make. It's been 20 years and you sound happy and at peace, so why risk upsetting that?

Personally I don't think being ill or dying turns someone into a better person, and that far too many people don't like to speak ill of the dead. She's still the same person she was before. I wouldn't see her.

No, you do not have to go and see her if you don't want to.

You can say goodbye to her in your own way. It sounds like you have already done that and made your peace with it. It's absolutely fine to leave it there.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, OP.
I don't think there would be any value in seeing your mother at this point - the relationship is already over.

I think you do what's right for you and no one else gets to decide or criticise you for it.

Your siblings don't have the right to judge you, nor you them. Everyone is just doing what they think is best.

Nah, don’t go. If she wanted to make amends she would of attempted to reach out to you piror to apologise she doesn’t deserve you now.

Don’t go then, but be at peace with that decision.

Were your siblings treated the same way? Do you know why your mother treated you like this?

If not, would you perhaps be able to find out, if you went to see her now?

You are not unreasonable at all.

Look, seeing you isn't going to make her well, but it could make you significantly unwell.
She was the one who was supposed to love you unconditionally and care for you, and she let you down in the worst way. You do not owe her your time, your presence or your feelings.

She isn't going to put your feelings, needs and health/safety first, so you need to advocate for yourself on that front.

I'll bet every penny i have she didn't treat your siblings as badly as you, so they don't get to voice any opinion they may have. They certainly don't get to guilt you!

My absolute best wishes for your health and happiness

OP, this might be a controversial take, but if you feel strongly about not visiting her, don’t visit her. I think your H comment about conscience is to guilt you into going. You have not seen her in nearly two decades. If you had needed or wanted to say something specific, you would have done so by now. You may break your peace by going to see her and the trauma you have worked so hard to overcome may revisit you.

I wish you all the best navigating this. It may be hard but, try to stay the course, if you feel deeply that is best.

Do you know the Stately Homes thread? In case you don’t get the advice or support you need here, that might be a good place. I relate hard to your circumstances and I think the only reason you should go is for you, not for anyone else. I struggle with the thought of who will look after my mother when the time comes as I live closest and my sibs have little to nothing to do with her. It’s hard. I wish I wasn’t so conflicted and if you’re not and you’re happy, I don’t think you should see her.

My husband is estranged from his mother and there is no way he would see his mum again for very similar reasons. He has made peace with that. You sound like you are in a similar situation.

I'm afraid I didn't read all of your post but I have one question. If she died tomorrow would you regret not going?

I stopped talking to my father when I was twenty and I got so used to not having him around he was effectively already dead in my mind. Many years later when I was told he was in hospital dying it was an enormous shock to realise he was still alive! I had no regrets not going as I had already made my peace thirty years previously.

It’s a myth that people always regret not seeing family before they die. She has had 20 years to apologise or try and build a healthy relationship with you and she hasn’t. You have had to do everything yourself including repair some of the damage she did. No guarantee how she will behave now, it’s possible you will end up on the receiving end of her justification. Sometimes in these situations people don’t feel regret only relief and that is ok in this situation.

Hi OP I have had a very similar and difficult experience. My mother died in 2016, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. I also did not allow contact between my mother and my children because she was so abusive and also so destabilising to me. I absolutely know I did the right thing in protecting them. I did re-establish contact in the last two years of her life. She had not changed but I was in a different place. It was sometimes very difficult to deal with her extreme and provocative behaviour. But that time enabled me to bring it to an end, all that was unfinished. There isn’t any resolution as such but I’m v glad to have survived it and built my own happy life. It sounds as though you have enough support around you to protect yourself but at the same time you have worked so hard to recover and I understand that you don’t want to jeopardise your mental health. I want to say as well that I felt no regret or grief my mother died because honestly I did all the grieving while she was alive. That is a normal reaction. There is no road map for families like mine but I found this website absolutely a life saver for tips on how to cope and the knowledge that it’s fine to have feelings that few people understand outofthefog.website It’s specifically for families of people with personality issues. Thinking of you

If you feel you already have ‘closure’ perhaps you don’t need to go, but you may feel differently about that if she were to die. Sometimes the death of someone who you have had a difficult relationship with can be more traumatic that a person you’ve shared a lot of love with.

Not much to add but hugs to you. And well done for breaking free and not inflicting her on your own DCs. My mother never broke free from her upbringing and I can say that blighted my childhood as she was always trying to make her mother love her. It led to some very twisted dynamics as her mother thrived on that sort of control.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and that you've been put in this position. I'd safely bet that your siblings haven't been through what you went through and, as much as your husband sounds supportive, he hasn't been through it either. Walk a mile in someone's shoes and all that.

Put yourself first here. Only see her if that's what you really want and if it's for your own reasons.

My mum died fairly suddenly when I was 20, and I didn't get the chance to see her in the lead up to her death. And I still don't think you should see your mum just because of what other people say.

OP, I am a similar age to you and have been NC with my mum since I was early 30s. She too was emotionally abusive. I’ve had family try and guilt trip me into seeing her and I was wavering at one point, but then due to a recent experience I went through I’ve realised that absolutely none of them care about me, and it’s all about saving face.

Slightly off topic but I’m a writer and while not famous I’ve had books sold to major publishers and they know I’m always working on something and have written personal essays before, so I think they’re also worried about what I’ll write next eg. A memoir!

I’d say if you want to see her then see her,
but don’t feel pressured to. Whether you see her or not before she dies, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is the one who put you in this position and deprived you of having a caring loving mother. I’m sure your husband had the best of intentions but really comments like that aren’t helpful.

Get your husband to take your two boys to visit her.

You don’t have to go. But with the benefit of age I have two thoughts:

Firstly, your mother, like most people, may have changed a little as she’s matured. And if any part of her has ever wished she knew these grandsons it would be sheer human kindness (not the insta sort) to let that happen while she’s alive.

Secondly - you need to cover your bases. Dont leave it open for your sons to say you denied them a relationship with her. In all likelihood they’ll fully support you in having cut contact. But let them have a memory of her - or they’ll be wondering for the rest of their lives.

I’m on a similar timeline with estrangement. That part of my life is like a distant nightmare, I’m not even the same person anymore. I wouldn’t see her just because she was ill or dying. We all get to that point in the end, it doesn’t undo anything.

I think this is the most relevant point in terms of dealing with any guilt you may experience. Has she at any point in the last 20 years reached out, written to you acknowledging the pain she caused you and seeking to make amends. Has she said sorry and asked if there is a way to reastablish your relationship without causing you pain? Has she told you she is proud of you and what you have achieved? If the answer to these questions is no then you can recognise that she almost certainly has not changed and just because she is ill does not mean that you owe her anything, most certainly not putting your hard won peace at risk.
Do what feels right for you OP and ignore anyone trying to guilt you into anything that doesn't feel safe.

I definitely go my dad was aggressive and abusive did gave a close relationship at all

it was a lightbulb moment in his last few weeks felt absolutely no need or desire for big reconciliation or make up for lost time
if anything gave me a very settled perspective and what’s done is done any anger resentment went
so glad I did it

It sounds like you already said goodbye to her and for good reasons. If she’d wanted to make it up to you she’d have spent the last 20+ years doing so and it doesn’t sound like she has.