AIBU not to see my estranged mother now she is ill? Not seen her since I was 25 ish I am now 44.

[QuirkyExpert]

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a very privileged upbringing. I attended boarding school, money was never an issue, etc.

My parents separated when I was 18 and I was at university at the time. Shortly after that I basically stopped seeing my mum and eventually cut contact altogether. There’s a lot of history there. She was emotionally abusive and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I was aged 10 being told how useless I am and how stupid I am. That stuff sticks with you. Being told how I’ll never amount to anything aged 12 really shifted something inside me. I think from that point I just became numb never argued back with her or even defended myself just wanted to go to university and never see her again.

It got to the point where my dad had had enough of it too. I am one of four siblings; my siblings still have a relationship with her and think I should forgive her, but I don’t.

I’m now 44, DH is 45 and we have two boys aged 10 and 12. I haven’t seen my mum since I was about 25. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, a lot of tears, and some ongoing mental health struggles as a result, but I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’d say I’ve accepted what happened and I’ve “forgiven” her in my own way, but I don’t like her and I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m much closer to my dad’s side of the family.

Last week my sister got in touch to say that our mum is very unwell and she thinks I should go and see her.

I don’t really want to. Of course I’m sorry she’s ill, but I genuinely don’t know what I would say to her at this point and I feel like it would reopen a lot of pain I’ve worked hard to move past. I’m no longer stuck in that victim mindset, I’m just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.

DH thinks I should go for “good conscience”, but I feel like I’ve already done the work to process everything and going back now would just undo a lot of that.

My children have never met her, which I do feel a bit guilty about at times, but they are very loved and have strong relationships with my dad’s side of the family and DH’s family, so they do have a solid extended family network.

She never loved me, she competed with me. I never wanted to compete. I just wanted to be loved that is all. Even now if she did pass away I don’t think I’d feel anything. She brought me so much pain I spent my early adulthood trying to escape that pain. I can’t even describe the pain all I know is that I loved her and spent my time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I was 14/15 telling my own mother she doesn’t need to love me she just needs to leave me alone.

I just had to get over it. I went to university studied medicine, I didn’t even want her at my graduation, not to spite her. I just knew having her there would make me sad even though I knew deep down she was proud. Her existence was just enough to make me sad. I never want to feel that way again. My early adulthood was filled with so much pain and sadness. I attempted to hurt myself twice when I was 18/19 because of her comments and the emotional abuse. That’s when I realised I have free will and can just choose to not like her. I feel bad that I just don’t want to see her, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to her I just don’t like her.

My sister is NC with my mum. I will not tell her when mum is ill. I'll notify my brother in law a couple of weeks after she dies. We will never discuss it. NC is the end of the relationship, not "until you're dying and we put a pretty bow on the ending. " I respect my sister's choice.

You deserve to have your choices - and your well-being- respected.

I went through this with my dad and I went to see him. I wish I hadn’t.

i was hoping for “closure” and all that crap but he was still exactly the same. Very “me me me”. I left feeling really annoyed with myself for giving in to people and going and felt very bitter for time afterwards.

i wouldn’t go. You have a happy life and leave it at that op!

I have a couple of estranged relatives whom I have no intention of seeing regardless of ill health, I expect the same from them and no inheritance or obligations either way. I cut them off after a very long period of horrid behaviour, to prioritise my own mental health, and advise you to do the same OP. They don't change just because they're ill, and ppl outside the situation have no right to judge. Go with your gut and look after you - you sound at peace with the situation x

I haven’t seen my dad for 20 years either and i wouldn’t see him in this situation as i need to preserve my mental health so i can focus on my work and my young kids.

I also think that just because someone gets ill, doesn’t mean they aren’t still an arsehole.

Such respectful behaviour from you as a sibling ❤️ that's just how it should be x

So people think you should forgive her, do they?

Maybe they haven't thought about just how hard it is to forgive someone when they have never acknowledged their abusive treatment of you, let alone apologised.

Thing is OP is not OK with that - otherwise she wouldn't be thinking about it at all - that's why this "No Contact" crap is such a bad idea, it doesn't work!

But it's not the end of a relationship, it's the most childish of all approaches and it sits there and you keep saying "I'm no contact with...." it's eating at you constantly, because its a conscious effort.

I"ve known people that for various reasons I don't see anymore, the relationships having drifted as relationships do, but they are not "blocked" if they rang I'd take their call - but they are highly unlikely to.

I had very similar with my mother. I was persuaded to see her, and sincerely wish I had not. One of my biggest regrets is going to her funeral for the sake of my family. I will not be going to my father’s.
Illness and death will not make her a better person for you.

If you don’t want to see her, then forcing yourself likely will set you back in my opinion.

Both my parents died in the last 2 years, I didn’t go to see either. I only felt relief when they died that they couldn’t hurt me any more. No anger, even a little pity for them, but certainly no guilt. I treated them far better than they deserved and walked away when I couldn’t take anymore.
No regrets here, just free. I wish you peace of mind, whatever you choose OP.

Don’t go and see her, you owe her nothing. She could have come to you, apologised and tried to make up for the awful childhood she put your through, but she hasn’t. Is she realising what she has done? All you need to focus on is your own well being so that you continue to be well and healthy for your own kids. People saying to be kind to a dying/ill person…I really disagree with that in cases like this. The only kindness you owe is to yourself and your own family. Don’t let her take any more headspace in your life. Wishing you well.

Has she reached out? Has she ever taken accountability? Has she ever apologised to you?....if the answer to these questions is no and it's just your sister saying she thinks you should see her again, then no of course you should protect your peace and stay away. Your siblings and husband should support this decision and not put pressure on you.

How about turning it around?

Tell your sister that if your mother wishes to be in touch with you, she can start by taking the time to write you a letter, explaining why she wants to see you after so long and say all the things she wants so say.

Doesn’t want to do that? There is your answer. She is not truly interested in seeing you, it is a last power play.

If she does write, you then have a lot more information about what you are letting yourself in for. You’ll know how to read between the lines and weigh it up, plus if you were to go to see her, you will know what to expect.

Best of luck, awful situation to be in but huge congratulations on a happy, successful life.

See her only if you think there’s any benefit to you.

In your case, YANBU.

When I was younger, I was made to visit a dying parent in hospital. He was abusive, and it was a relief not to have him at home. He was still the same person in hospital as he was at home, and nothing changed. If I'd had the opportunity, and the courage, to refuse to go, I would have done, but I was still at school then. It was a huge relief for us, as his immediate family, when he died.

Families tend to specialise in guilt-tripping and peer pressure, but... they're not you, and they don't understand why you want to remain estranged. If it isn't going to change anything, then what difference would it make if you did go? Forgiveness is hard, and sometimes impossible. It isn't compulsory, and if a visit to her isn't going to change that (I don't think it would, from what you've written), then I wouldn't go, if I were you.

You know what's best for yourself. Please don't feel pressured by others. Your siblings may have had a better experience if mom than you, or she may be pressuring them to see you.

If you don't want to go, then don't.
If you think you will regret seeing her, and be hurt/upset by her then swerve it. 👎

No contact is what you have done for years, and she was not present in your life, so in a way, she has already passed away.
Other family members and their opinions of what you should do, can frankly jog on. 🖕

Another poster said you can always ask your DH to take your DC to see her, then they can never wonder "what if?: etc and that closes another chapter.
You don't owe her anything.
A horrible competitive selfish twat doesn't stop being a twat just because they're dying.
Do what is best for you, not your mother.

Sending hugs OP 💐 @QuirkyExpert

Forgive my cynicism but why does your sibling really think you should visit? For your own benefit (eg closure) or because you’re needed on the scene for some sort of caring responsibilities?

I don't think you need to visit her given how hard it's been for you to deal with her treatment of you. If you have peace about your decision, it's understandable that you stay away and protect your recovery.

I wouldn't send my children to see her though. They have no relationship with her and it would be a distressing and confusing situation.

I’m sorry you are in this position, similar has happened in my family. I think you should think about

Would you rather go and see her and regret it or would you rather not go and see her and regret it, of course I realise it’s not that black and white.

I feel for you it’s so complex with so many emotions, don’t make the decision based on anyone other than yourself and your own feelings.

I had the same but with a grandmother

This woman was as evil as rose west and myra hindley (given a scrap of a chance,she would have done far worse) she made it very clear she hated us as kids,but as soon as we became adults,she expected us to rally round,bow to her every whim and kiss her arse

We had zero relationship with the bitch but as soon as she became ill,we where all rounded up and expected to be the doting grandchildren

I remember standing there,holding her hand,feeling nothing and looking out of the window (the view was a wall with was more interesting)

My brother had the right idea-he stood in the corner and refused to go near her, while telling her he hated her-I wish id done the same (its a massive regret that I went at all)

When my own mother is on her death bed (im nc) I will feel nothing but relief

She turned me into the scapegoat and im having nothing to do with her at the end (ill be the evil bitch but I dont care)

She made her bed,she can lie in it and I'll finally be free of her

My father is a weak man who only had kids because she wanted them

He's almost as bad as she is and I won't be going near him either

When my mil goes,ill be there

I adore her-she treats me with respect and love and i'll be hopefully able to show her how much I love her towards her end,like I did with my darling fil at his end (thank god I did get to see him-i'll treasure his last words to me forever)

I wouldn't go-you will regret it

YANBU at all op.
Dm was estranged from her df for years and years. On his deathbed (not imminent but he only had a few months) asked for her to visit him through sibling she spoke to. At first she thought that he was a different person, this frail sweet little old man. She said he had "completely changed." He had her feeling sorry for him even, despite his toxic past behaviour, he was so manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Then her df starting moaning just like he used to, ringing dm up complaining and nitpicking, giving her a good dressing down about the past, and making demands of her to get him things, ranting that she wasn't doing enough for him now etc etc. Dm was in her late 50s, her df 89!! Dm put the phone down and cut ties, she regretted ever going to see him. It was so sad, after all of that time she hoped he had changed; I think we always want to believe people will, we want to see the best in them. I think we want to rewrite history in a way, to heal the wounds.

Unfortunately leopards don't change their spots op, they just age.

I have the same dilemma at the moment with my dm although I have only been nc for 18 months and the reason behind that is very different to ops and was caused by dsis not dm. Dm is now in a care home and i believe from ss there has been cognitive decline. It’s been really hard the last 3 years and i really struggled with it all but i am in a much better place now i accept what dsis has done and dm part in it So for my mental health and to not cause dm distress i probably won’t visit her I may well regret it when she dies and will get therapy if I do.

Do what is right for you op