DP returned steaming on first night out after baby

[Elz23]

DP and I have a 3 week old DC. Tonight was the first chance he has had to see his friends to ‘wet the baby’s head’ as it has been so full on. He said he’d be a couple of hours at most, meeting them at our local pub at 4 once they’d finished work.

He turned up an hour ago, having not got back to my messages asking where he was. He said his phone died, but he is steaming drunk. He crashed in waking DC, who I’d spent ages getting to fall asleep. He’s got a stain on the back of his beige shorts (it looks like shit) and has spent most of the time since he got home locked in the bathroom complaining about his stomach. He’s told me he had 8 pints and shots, as people kept buying them for him.

He says he needed that blow out after the last few weeks and that he will happily let me do the same when I want to. I’ve told him I don’t feel ready for that. He says two of his friends went out earlier than him when they became dad’s. Am I wrong to find this excessive so early on?

These posts about feckless husbands who have gone on a jolly bender after a new baby need a bingo card each time. I've never encountered anybody who has become so inebriated that they lost control of their bowels in real life. Why is this so prevalent on Mumsnet? Could the brown stain be chocolate or mud? The husband's phone always dies and he always comes crashing through the door and wakes up the baby. Is there any chance he turned his phone off because you were bombarding him with messages?

The pearl clutching posters will proclaim that he is now a family man and that neither of you should touch a drop of alcohol. In reality, both of you are entitled to see your friends and let down your hair on occasion. You have been through a huge transition that has turned your lives upside down. If this isn't a weekly reoccurrence, I would give him some grace and make plans for a night out with your own friends. You shouldn't just be confined to coffee mornings and soft play now you are parents.

This

Wow.

Your husband won't leave you for FIVE hours with a baby? Really?

Otherwise known as ‘having standards’ and ‘not being married to a Neanderthal’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

He got away with it and will do it again. Good luck for the future with this man OP.

No otherwise known as not being a total wet lettuce about an independent, perfectly capable person who manage an immobile baby the size of a rugby ball on their own for a few hours and appreciates that another adult retains autonomy post birth. I've raised my kids alone for ten years, have never in my life dated a neanderthal and wouldn't. What I disagree about is what this one off night out signifies. For me, not a huge amount, for others apparently, the start of the end 🙄

That's almost gleeful...can't wait for it all to come crashing down. Im sure thats exactly what the op needs to hear right now. Well done love, you've just had a baby and your marriage is doomed. Ffs.

I understand how sleep deprivation can make everything worse, however, in this case I'd write it off.
He experienced peer pressure - if this didn't exist it would not have a name - and probably didn't know when to stop.

If he is an otherwise good husband, and you don't say that he isn't so I'm assuming that he is, I'd let it go.
He sounds like he's happy for you do the same when you feel up to it so hardly a pig.

It's OK to be pissed off for 24 hours, but to be honest, if I was married to somebody who held me in contempt for this longer than that I'd have to leave them. Maybe put up with it until the baby was older, then I'd be out.

Couldn't live with it. The belittling, the pursed lips, the holier than fucking thou attitude over something which is hardly that bad at all. Fuck it, I'd be out.

I saw a female relative endure this contempt from her cnut of a dh, every little misdemeanour pounced upon. Nothing ever forgiven.
She became a shadow of her former self.

The number of women excusing this behaviour on this board is WILD.

A grown adult drinking so much in five hours that he shat himself would be dimly viewed in most other places.
And it's nothing to do with " pearl clutching", there just seems to be a very low bar if this is seen as something to just "let it go"
I think it must be a Brit thing.

There's a huge gulf between not touching a drop of alcohol (definitely not my expectation at all) and drinking 8 pints plus shots, and shitting yourself.

If we don't know her partner's general behaviour around alcohol then we can't give an opinion.

If he is easily led , binge drinks whenever he is around booze and pisses the bed/shits himself regularly then obviously he's completely in the wrong. But if this is a one time incident and he's sorry then the op should move on.

This 'wetting the babies head' stuff is pathetic though imo. A woman carries a baby for almost 10 months , goes through labour then after all of that her bloke gets to celebrate being fertile by getting pissed with his mates. Bloody ridiculous. And after 3 weeks of parenting he needs to have a blow out? It's 3 weeks mate , that's when you BOTH should be at home caring for your newborn.

It is pearl-clutching, though. What this guy did is absolutely trivial.
It really is.
There's no evidence to suggest that he is anything but a good husband. Nor is he denying the OP a night out herself.

He probably experienced peer pressure. As we all do.

It's OK to be annoyed for a while but not beyond a day or so.

I understand sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse, but I would not tolerate my spouse being annoyed about this for more than a day.

I'd put up with their contempt until the baby was older than leave.

Luckily, I'm not married to somebody who makes an absolute big deal about everything that could be brushed off and forgiven so this doesn't apply.

Oh and just in case I get accused of sexism, men can be pearl clutchers, too.

I do think holding a partner in contempt over the most trivial stuff such as this very minor incident is a form of mental abuse.

Ok.
So you "wouldn't tolerate" your partner being annoyed if you publicly shat yourself because you were so drunk.
In fact you would class it as a form of "mental abuse"
No red flags there at all.

Better go stock up on wet wipes then, because shitty arsed behaviour is so " trivial"

They could be annoyed for a day but beyond that no I wouldn't tolerate it.

I repeat: it is my belief that given that there's no evidence to suggest he is otherwise anything other than a good dh, that he is happy for OP to have a night out herself and he probably experienced peer pressure (as we all do) to drink more than usual therefore I would write it off.

If there are any red flags here it would be from the person who would keep going on about it.

And yes I would class somebody who used a trivial thing like this as a stick to beat me with ad infinitum as abusive.

And your comment about wet wipes is silly as people very, very rarely get that drunk except for special occasions like, er let's see, their child being born.

I wouldn't personally say I excuse it and certainly wouldn't think it was ok to do this on the regular. Making an error of judgement by drinking too much and making a tit of yourself is something most people have done at some stage in their lives and by itself, the occasional night out where someone overestimates their capacity to hold their drink and overdoes it isn't a crime in my book.

I don't particularly like or condone this behaviour, but am realistic enough about what happens when you mix humans + alcohol to take a pragmatic view. It isn't (and has not been) marriage ending for me if DH has overdone it once or twice a year on average. But that isn't the same as excusing it or thinking it's fine to get in that state.

If it tips over into dependence, or bingeing so often and so much you neglect your adult responsibilities, that's a different matter.

I’d be livid at three weeks. I was still trying to establish bf and needed support

Was your husband unemployed then ? So he didn't have to leave the house or you got a few hours?

Very, very rarely?
Well today already there's two threads about DHs losing the run of themselves while the OP is at home with a new baby. Two.
And in the history of MN I suspect there will be many, many similar posts

How many threads can we count started by Dads complaining that they're at home with baby while new mother is out getting so drunk she shits in her pants ????

Everyone is free to decide what they will accept in a relationship and apparently quite a few women will accept binge drinking and public bowel movements.
That's great for all the people like you who think it's trivial behaviour. You are welcome to these absolute gems.

Lol. I am not even sure he had a public bowel movement.
In fact, I very much doubt that he did.

Man who seems otherwise to be a good husband friends' get him pissed after the birth of his child.

Big f*ing deal.

Did you miss the part where OP said they had to bin his shorts as a wash didn't sort them???

Man who puts drinking with his friends to the point of loss of control of bodily functions over spending time with post partum wife and new born baby ....
Big f*ing deal ?

Yep.
Some of us just set the bar higher.

I mean there’s a big difference between going to work and getting battered 😂

How many threads can we count started by Dads complaining that they're at home with baby while new mother is out getting so drunk she shits in her pants ????

well said

I cant be bothered arguing this with you any more.
Marriage is about learning which things to let let go and which things to take a stand over.
You clearly think that is divorce territory. I don't.
Nothing more to he said really.

Obviously there is but how is a husband that's out at work 9 hours a day giving Anyone support. ? It was only 5 hours the OPs husband was out anyway

So if you can't cope with looking after your own baby if husband goes out drinking one day for a few hours then how do you manage when he's out everyday at work