DP returned steaming on first night out after baby

[Elz23]

DP and I have a 3 week old DC. Tonight was the first chance he has had to see his friends to ‘wet the baby’s head’ as it has been so full on. He said he’d be a couple of hours at most, meeting them at our local pub at 4 once they’d finished work.

He turned up an hour ago, having not got back to my messages asking where he was. He said his phone died, but he is steaming drunk. He crashed in waking DC, who I’d spent ages getting to fall asleep. He’s got a stain on the back of his beige shorts (it looks like shit) and has spent most of the time since he got home locked in the bathroom complaining about his stomach. He’s told me he had 8 pints and shots, as people kept buying them for him.

He says he needed that blow out after the last few weeks and that he will happily let me do the same when I want to. I’ve told him I don’t feel ready for that. He says two of his friends went out earlier than him when they became dad’s. Am I wrong to find this excessive so early on?

I'd rather be a single parent than stuck with a man-child who lacks the emotional maturity to be a parent

You have many years of juggling nights out ahead of you. You will both need a break sometines. I wouldnt be bothered about it as long as you get your share and he is hands on the reat of the time. He got his in earlier becauae physically you are in a very difderent position having given birth.

In at 9pm. I couldnt be annoyed. Ok, that drunk wasnt great but as a one off i think i wouldnt mind to much.
Have a lay in, in the morning and let him deal with baby

It's daft but he may be right that people kept buying him drinks and it's difficult to say no for a new baby. I would let him off this time.

He has been apologetic today - he had to bin his shorts as a wash didn’t sort them 😫he has chipped in with looking after DC despite his hungover state to be fair to him.

he has chipped in with looking after DC despite his hungover state

He's only got himself to blame for that though!

Get a grip and grow up

My advice is to never argue to a drunk person. Let him wash, sleep it over and have a discussion when he's awake and sober.

Excuse me?!

I can see why it annoyed you, but not shocked he ignored all your attempts to contact him, he feels like a trapped animal. If you continue it won’t be your choice what happens.

I never understand why so many women defend binge drinking on this board.

As a new mum it’s hard to imagine being separated from your newborn right now particularly if you’re breastfeeding. But the day will come when he owes you one. As for the stain, shit happens!

Because women do it too? Because lots of us don't think that an occasional big night is a problem for anyone, male or female, even with a small baby at home. Provided the child is being cared for, both adults should be free to do this legal activity once in a while should they choose to. The hyperbole on here about this is mad.

This is what happens. I don’t know why but it does. I was in hospital 5 days and my husband went out while I was in, nothing he could do in hospital.. the next day he was abit worse for wear but still came up. He’s a fab dad, not all the time, rarely does he go out. He’s entitled to a blow out

Nah any family man getting g drunk to the point of shitting them self/ pissing themself or I. A wardrobe or puking over themselves the house is just revoltingly ick. I would never look at my partner the same way again. Revolting.

Therr are some weird replies on this thread and I don’t think alot of people are being genuine in their responses of if they’d want their partners doing this to them if they were in this situation (either this or a lot of the women here just have very low standards for f they truly think this behaviour is ok.)

I have a four week old baby and my husband wouldn’t dream of leaving us for that amount of time yet let alone to be consuming alcohol on such a scale.

This isn’t the behaviour of a man who respects what his partner has recently been through physically, mentally and emotionally.

Absolutely this.

DH on the odd occasion is a binge drinker when out with certain mates. I hate it when he comes home drunk and sloppy and talking shite, he knows the price of a big night out is a night in the spare room, he can keep his brewery breath and beer farts to himself! Don't think those have ever followed through into a beer shart mind 😳🤢

I do drink, but I do not for the life of me understand why anyone enjoys getting into that state in midlife, especially with the hangovers it comes with! But if the blowouts are once in a blue moon and no harm is done, then it's not something that bothers me. If it had been a weekly occurrence once we had DC and he was hungover every weekend, then yes, that would have been an issue - and if he was regularly ruining clothing, that gets expensive!

You will both need time away and time to keep up adult friendships/pursuits, it's healthy not to be 100% consumed by parenthood. Realistically, for mums, we usually are more consumed by necessity in the early years, I didn't want to go out in the postpartum newborn phase, but I was ready to engage with my non-motherhood self again for short periods once we were out of it. Which did involve the odd night out - shock horror!

It’s not about the night out or the amount of alcohol consumed it’s about the timings.

This woman is freshly postpartum and has a tiny baby. God knows how confident she’s feeling right now and the fact her partner prioritised going out to get pissed without thinking about her and what she’d be left dealing with is the issue.

What if she was having a tough time and needed his support yet couldn’t get hold of him or he did indeed come home to help but was too pissed to help?

These first few weeks are so tough for new parents and they should be working as a team to support each other through the highs and lows not off at the pub. There’s plenty of time for that down the line when things get easier.

He was at the pub for less time than your average work day and wasn't back home in the wee hours. He's probably back at work by now if he's only taken 2 weeks paternity, so OP will be coping during the day by herself. New motherhood is tough, but women are also not made of glass, they can generally cope for a few hours without support/reassurance on demand while the other adult in the home goes to do the odd bit of normal adult stuff. A baby will cope fine having its needs met by one parent for a few hours.

I think the state he got himself in with a 3 week old at home is more relevant than the attending of the pub after 3 weeks to have a bit of time with his friends, a few beers and adult conversation in itself. Nobody forced him to drink shots or get in such a state he couldn't hold a phone conversation, send a text or even control his own arsehole, making extra work and worry for OP. Which means next time he wants to go out, she'll find it difficult he won't go AWOL and come home covered in his own shite again.

Hopefully a one off, it's difficult to say no when all your friends want to buy you a drink. I'd let him off this time. If it's a habit then that's something different.

You know what? Not all births are traumatic and long and not all new . are traumatised wrecks who cant be left alone for a few hours. A lot of tiny newborns sleep most of the time and are not too tricky to deal with. Whilst acknowledging the various difficulties an absolute that some parents will absolutely face in the early days, maybe this narrative that the 'fourth trimester' is some sort of horrific endurance test is getting a bit overblown? Its not about low bars and 'my standards are better than yours' its about individual personal circumstances and for some people it is not a big deal to be flying solo for a few hours in the early weeks. For some it is. Its not an absolute fact one way or another.

I can't believe the posters saying they would kick him out - divorce over one rather ill-judged night out celebrating the birth of a baby?

Sounds like he is sorry he got carried away and is now pulling his weight I would let it go!

Is there ever a time that's acceptable to come back four hours late with no word, having been unable to assess your own alcohol intake to the point you lose bowel control?
Focusing on the age of your baby is a red herring. Your focus should be on the fact your partner couldn't handle a few drinks without losing control.
If this has never happened before then you may be lucky and it won't again. But if this is sonething that happens when he goes out, then you've a problem. Because you'll be spending your life trying to police how often and when he goes out, which is a very stressful way to live.

Because regularly drinking yourself into a stupor seems to be an integral part of British culture.

I say this as someone who enjoys a drink, but I draw the line at 8 pints. Insane behaviour.

Loads of posters have said if this is a one off then its eye rolling but ok but not if its a repeat occurrence. An adult ought to be able to be uncintactabke for four hours, even with a small baby frankly. What do you think happened pre paternity leave and mobile phones for people who weren't in office jobs. An adult should be able to cope with a small baby and know well enough when so seek medical help uf there's an actual emergency.