With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

I’ve never banked on receiving inheritance- I am of the mindset that inheritance is a luxury, not a given and certainly never to be depended on. DH will not inherit from his family, neither parent (separated 30yrs ago) have savings, property or pensions. My parents have a property and savings, however I work in social care and see how expensive care packages and LTC are, so I see how little people are left with from their life savings.

i recently lost an elderly relative to dementia. She was in a residential home for 8 years. She was doing ok financially before LTC so was self funding. She had £15,000 total estate left after she passed away.

It really isn’t frequently funded under CHC.

CHC is only awarded for dementia if a patient has very unpredictable and dangerous behavioural and health needs.

You don’t get it if you are simply bed bound, doubly incontinent, non-verbal, and unable to feed yourself. As apparently that is predictable.

It's a disgrace that private care is run for profit, the government should enact laws for it's equal provision for everyone

In exactly the same position as you, OP, with an incontinent mum who no longer knows who I am and whose care needs keep increasing. No solutions, but solidarity

CHC is almost impossible to get

Yes, this is why people are kept alive for as long as possible, so that they can be thoroughly rinsed for every last penny!

You don't know my parents, and I really do! They've both signed POAs and LPAs and set out their wishes to have only pain relief if they ever somehow end up in a care home. I can't tell you how certain they are about this.

A relative was married to someone with dementia, he had children from previous marriage. They took only his pension, when he died, the wife and step children still divided good amount of house and she inherited the whole bank account

I think there's a lot of rushing in with antibiotics when people are in the very end stages of life which I will be wanting to avoid myself, once I've decided this is the end phase, I think not having interventions such as restarting heart, antibiotics eetc, is all preferable to having all these constant interventions whilst the body breaks down around your soul...

The whole thing in the UK is a shitshow. It was only at the very end of Mum's life that someone from the GP surgery called me and had a frank discussion about not doing any further medical interventions. No more medicating to hell. Make her comfortable and in no pain. But we are no where near this.

Dad wanted evrything done - and NHS seemed willing to write him off years before he died. However turns out Dmum and Dad both thought he'd get better at some point right up to last days. No HCP ever said this is as good as it will get - the ulcers won't heal - the moblity and continence is unlikely to come back and pain managemnt isn't going to be great.

DH and I would like everything done for us medically but I'd also like to be properly informed. Recently with Dmum NHS was terrible with communicating with her or us with advice frequently contradicting each other - and communictaion between departments and services being dire.

Live in carers earn nothing like this - they usually end up on an average hours contract and a flat overnight which binds them to the role nearly 24/7 for less than minimum wage - and all perfectly legal

Absolutely. People are very naive about what care actually involves.

Equally, I think my friends and family have learned that trying to keep someone in their home to the bitter end is not all it’s cracked up to be. After struggling on alone with falls and loneliness and fretting about plumbers and noises in the night, they were much happier once they were in good care joke, and they didn’t have the worry of their house any more. It’s turned the official wisdom on its head for me.

Its an option and can work alongside other care, for some people. That's all I was saying. It wasn't personal to your family.

When you go into a care home, you still get your State Pension, Private pensions, interest on savings etc which could be a lot if you've sold a house etc. Clearing out the house and selling the contents also tops up the pot. It can take a very long time to spend all the money on fees, much longer than the average stay in a care home which is around 4 years.

E.g My MIL was in a care home for 4.5 years. With me working hard behind the scenes to maximise her income, her capital 'only' reduced by £100K in that time which is well below what many care home residents will have after selling their property.

We also sold all of her now old fashioned jewellery that grand kids didn't want to boost her capital. We were determined to keep her in the care home of her choice and not be forced to move under a Council contract if her money run out.

I'm very sorry about your Mum OP.

Do bear in mind that, whilst your dad continues to live in their home, it cannot be taken into account for care home fees. Only her savings can, down to £23,250 (so £46,500 for your parents).

Most people don't end up in care homes, so if they own a home that usually passes to their beneficiaries. But no one should rely on inheriting anything.

My mum is 84 and still incredibly active, drives everywhere. She and her partner have booked a trip to Australia and New Zealand for later this year. But if she deteriorates and needs care at a future date, I will very much want her to spend every penny she has to ensure she has a good Quality of Life rather than passing it on to me.

I have a similar job and completely agree. It's interesting on here because you see repeatedly on here older mums being called "selfish" as their children may be their carers at a younger age while also simultaneously looking after their own children. The flip side is you have them young and they end up being carers in their late 60s and 70s. There really is no ideal situation.

Social care is propped up by unpaid carers and we ask so much from families and loved ones. Yet people my age (late 30s) will probably have to work until we are 70 and who knows for our children. We can't keep raising the retirement age and have an economy where it requires people to work full time into their late 60s to pay for pensions while at the same time expect these people to also care for elderly parents and relatives. It isn't possible and something has to give. Though what the solution is I don't know!

We’ve been through this a few times in our family. Watching someone you love go through dementia is absolutely heartbreaking

I know that the house was disregarded previously for my grandparents circumstances. It was only the assets solely in my grandmas name. There was not a bill at a later point as my grandad outlived her. I think there are nuances and sometimes it depends on how the house was owned and which area you fall under. There are a couple of charities that offer good advice on this and it is set out under the care act. It may be worth looking into again as it is significant sums

On a separate note, the amount they charge is frustratingly high and doesn’t equal the level of service received or how well paid the staff are. I knew someone who owned a chain of care homes and likened it to running a very profitable hotel chain

I agree with not extending suffering but what do you think should be done instead? What interventions should not be given to those people which you KNOW are currently given? Personally and for myself I am firmly in favour of assisted dying where the person themselves is competent to decide. I used to work in the NHS and what isn't discussed (cannot be discussed, especially after Shipman) is how many decisions are taken now to ....lets say....prioritise comfort over length of life..... Its unfortunate that the Liverpool Care Pathway allegedly got so badly misused a few years ago now because its intention was to be able to be open about choices made by and for the patient and to document them clearly and appropriately.

Go and read the information on the Age Concern website. It is clear, factual and kept current. I am not saying that the information is right or wrong because I don't know your parents' financial circumsya=tances.

This is why I’m using money to ensure DS has lots of his own savings when he gets to adulthood rather than getting a big house or lots of savings myself. When I’m older I’ll prob downsize and spend the money.

TBH there’s zero point getting old and dying with lots of assets/cash. You save out of taxed income (yes I know pensions but they are usually shit) I use taxed income to buy your house, then it’s taken away to pay for care people who haven’t saved get for free. Anything left the government taxes again! Pointless. My aim is to die penniless, having constantly passed money to DS. If I run out I’ll just finish it.

We are sold a lie.

I'm more worried about the decimation of health and social care than people's inheritances.

I think things might change a bit regarding dementia with assisted dying bills. I would guess a large proportion of those diagnosed with dementia would opt for assisted death before they became too unwell to decide. I know I definitely would.

The women in my family live till their mid nineties, so am not counting on any inheritance from my lovely mum. She was a good mum and that is enough.

Part of the problem IMO is we have advanced science in keeping the human body going far longer than it would naturally.

I think I'm of the mind that if I end up a shell where all my physical needs are met to keep me going. I'd want to come off all medications and not have any hospital treatments to just keep me alive. I don't want to rattle on for years with no quality of life.

I'm NC with my family so definitely not expecting anything in the way of an inheritance.

I agree that some people will be in for a rude awakening. Personally, I’m not expecting to inherit from either of my parents. One of them is already having carers in daily and will almost certainly need to move into a home at some point in the future. The other one will probably need that too. And tbh it’s not “my” inheritance until it hits my bank account (if it ever does). Right now it is their money and if needs to be spent on getting them the best care they can afford, so be it.