With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

So many people insist they will not go into a care home but then the alternative as most family members live far away or have their own lives is to sit alone waiting for the carers. Quite often first visit is 11am after 16+ hours in bed as last visit is 5pm. Barely finish breakfast when the lunch time 15 minute visit arrives. Then another visit at 3pm.
Not at times the toilet is needed. Overnight NHS incontinence pads are pretty useless.
In a care home the staff can fit a little more around routines of the residents and while many are in their nighties and dressing gowns at 6pm they can stay in the lounge until much later. Plus there is always something going on. So it is expensive but money worth spending.

I look at my poor mum every day and wonder that too. We now have a ReSPECT form in place with a DNR because why on earth would anyone want to be kept alive in the circumstances that she is in? She spends her day in a recliner chair, soiling herself and unable to communicate.

That is not a life I would want preserved for myself and I know my mother well, she would have hated her life the way it is now but she is alive and there sod all we can do about it other than to keep her well looked after which sadly does come at a huge financial cost.

I was thinking the same thing OP, especially on the recent threads about children’s savings accounts. Lots of people saying their kids were set to inherit vast sums from grandparents.

I’m nearly 60 so a lot of my friends have lost their parents. I only know of one person who inherited anything. The rest of the elderly parents had to spend their entire estate on care fees.

I’m the sole beneficiary of my Mum’s will but I’m being realistic and not expecting anything.

Probably shelved like so many things when it comes to social and elderly care.

My dad is currently costing £100k pa. He has late stage dementia and heart issues.

Dementia care is now closer to £1900pw in London and the SE.

My aunt spent 10 years in a dementia care home at a cost of almost £1 million.

yeah it's a big thing. My DF went through 170k in 18 months at a care home 4 years ago, prices have risen even more since then.

Meanwhile my DH's SILs ( in their thirties and married to sons from his DFs second family - DH has been told he won't be getting a penny) spend their time talking about who will inherit 'the house' their in laws live in! As if it were some family seat that won't be sil doff (it's not)

Inheritance is horrible all round. I admire the posters giving any excess to their kids earlier that their own death.

No-one should bank on inheritance.

I'm aware how expensive care homes in the 90s were and how much my parents had to pay out for carers once the min week post hospital care was up.

However inheritance also has emotional stuff attacked to it - leaving everything to one child or unevenly can be interpreted to mean that one child was loved less.

I have siblings already resenting parent paying for things with their money and trying to push everyone else out of any inheritance - it's a pattern of behavior. If house is there at end it's a hefty sum that could help me and my DC out in life - make a huge difference - like fuck would I allow that to slip away form me especially as only person it may upset would be dead. I suspect they think they can continue to bully me - and it may shock them when gloves come off and I fight and get nasty if they try and steal from me. I may well post on here about how best to get what currently in the will if I need to. I'd only dispute a will if I felt there was something off about it and not parents stated wishes set out with an actual solitor currently.

Yes people do underestimate the amount of support their elderly parents will need for day to day living even if they don’t require residential care.

As controversial as it is I do wonder why dementia patients are not allowed to just die but kept comfortable. No treatment for other conditions. My friends DH who is 70 has dementia it’s come on quite rapidly she told me he needs a pacemaker. I really don’t see the point of over medicalising someone who is on their way out has lived a life though sadly he is not at the expected age for a British man to attain. I would say he can’t actually properly give consent and I find that ethically difficult. My other friends Mother is in a home and has been treated for various ailments, it’s breaking my friend and distressing her and breaking the bank. My MIL is showing some very early signs and I’m hoping she just dies quickly of something else.

This is not about inheritance for me , I never had anything to inherit personally it’s about actually letting people go with some degree of dignity,

My parents were both broke and died comparatively young there was never going to be any inheritance, but in many ways I am glad that they both died fairly suddenly and didn't suffer these slow deaths.

One of my friends runs a care agency and she told me its shocking how many people have power of attorney for their elderly relative and will try to reduce their care calls down to almost unsafe levels because they want to preserve their inheritance. "nah mum doesnt need an hour- give her 30 mins" and thats to wash/shower her, dress her, give meds, cook lunch, feed her, etc This is about quality of life and they're scrimping on money that isnt even theirs yet!

Anyone banking on/calculating what inheritance they are ‘set to receive’ is a greedy fool.
Earn your own money and spend it, what someone else earnt or has is not yours or your business.

This is all nothing new: has nobody read Dickens?!

I think it's worth the money too.

So many of our home help customers end up like the ones you mention due to fear of losing their independence in a care home setting yet they have no life or independence at home either, they are sat in the living room all day watching tv and snoozing, put into bed at 7pm (like my poor mum) and the highlight of their day is when a cleaner or helper comes for an hour a week. So many have had falls trying to get to the bathroom alone or struggling to get upstairs because they still live in their large family home which they want to preserve to hand down to the children yet these huge houses are crumbling away and depreciating in price year by year due to the neglect.

As much as most of us would hate to go into a care home, surely it has to be better than this life. All for what? Saving money?

I would have used the shocked emoji face had there been one on MN but the truth is it doesn't shock me at all sadly, especially as we live in the SE too.

My parternal GM and maternal GF both ended up in care homes after deaths of their spouces - nether were keen but in end found it better than being in their own home and struggling.

Paternal GM after hurting herslef trying to storm out in frist few days - actually decided she wished she done it years ago - no cooking less cleaning and people round to help her. I think she'd spent last decade hoping Dmum would do that role and she wasn't going to though did a lot of running round anyway.

My Bil has never been a high earner and often says the only time he will have any money is when his parents die and leave him some. DH mum died 6 years ago and FIL is 85 and in good health so bil is already looking at properties in France to retire too. Boils my blood.

I was hoping Dmum would follow neighbours exmaple and look at sheltered accommodation at least - but siblings put her off that and encouage her to stay in an isolated village then moan when she sometimes needs extra support. In fact any money spent of making things easier for her is also grumbled about.

I don't expect to inherit anything, even if care fees aren't needed I have 4 brothers so everything split 5 ways will mean no one will get much anyway but I expect my dad at least will need care.

I expect my partner will inherit though as care fees where we live are taken from the person's pension income (something like 85% of their income so they have a little spending money still) rather than savings/house value but also big family so will be shared out a lot.

DD's paternal grandad was completely independent until the end then died very suddenly (heart attack I suppose) so she inherited (dad died beforehand) a reasonable amount but that's not so common. She also inherited from her dad's maternal grandparents and my god that has caused so much drama - they died 15+ years ago and the estate still hasn't been divided and it's got to the point that criminal reports are being filed. I hate it all and if it was my inheritance I'd say fuck it, I don't care but I'm legally obliged to ensure she gets her fair share as she's under 18 so I have to keep demanding that the law is followed.

It's a huge problem and going to get worse . I ended up looking after an very elderly relative that was very vulnerable. Even when it was hard I couldn't bear to put them in a home unnecessarily. It lasted five years . He did leave me his house which I wasn't expecting and it was a lifeline to me . Well , the relatives came out of the wood work annoyed it wasn't left between them . But where were they on a daily basis for five years ? Irregular visits and no constructive help . If I did request it I got complaints so I just paid for it myself .
Ironically if he had gone into care there would be nothing at all left after five years . I was just so happy that he died peacefully in my home . No thought of money as he was a person I knew and loved . Not a money pot .

Exactly this.

Alongside her dementia my mum has several other health conditions including needing a pace maker. Seeing her suffer so much over the last few years I actually find myself wishing she had never had the pacemaker and maybe quickly went with a heat attack like both her parents did. I hate myself for thinking that but I would be a shitty person to wish her the life she currently has.

Dementia is an evil disease.

About 15% of individuals end up in care homes.

I don't bank on inheritance at all, but with at least two childless aunts/uncles plus parents all suggesting inheritances, the odds are that I'll receive a significant one.

As I said, I don't bank on it - but I do acknowledge the likely privilege.

Thank you for this important thread, OP.

In my relatively good area, council funded care is pretty grim. I think people are in denial about this, and that is a big part of the problem.

I am very glad my own DPs are spending down my inheritance in a lovely retirement community with escalating levels of care.

Also, I have done everything I can to reduce my risk of being kept alive with no quality of life once I've lost capacity. I really don't want my £ being spent extending a pointless life (and a good care home will definitely improve your life expectancy).

Your thoughts are understandable. Sending you strength. My mother died in her care home with dementia aged 93. She’d been there three years. She was found unresponsive one morning and diagnosed with pneumonia, we were given the option of hospitalising and treating her but we declined. She passed away peacefully later that day. Sibling and I both with her. It was the right decision. It was as though she herself had decided it was time to go.