With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

A family member was very organised about this and downsized in their early 70’s in London to the coast (did have a child living nearby). Bought a cheap sheltered flat and freed up £750k of equity. Gave £150k to each of their three children once the flat had been bought which really helped them and their kids. Left around £300k to pay for care of which around £100k was used on top of their pension income (care at home that increased as they became bedbound). Died 8 years later. No tax to pay on the inheritance as it was under the threshold. Everyone benefited and it feels like a sensible approach to me.

But just because someone isn't in a care home setting doesn't mean they aren't paying out for care fees and someone elderly and apparently well can become poorly at a drop of a hat. Mum has had several falls and the amount of people in the hospital who suddenly need care when they previously had none is quite high.

My mum is at home still but has carers in, as many people do. This care is costing £1000 per week and that is just for one hour morning visit, a half hour afternoon call and a 45 min evening call. Two carers, three times a day at £26 per hour eats up savings quickly so don't just assume it's only care home fees taking all the money.

This is not about inheritance for me , I never had anything to inherit personally it’s about actually letting people go with some degree of dignity

Exactly - I know of someone in their 90s and they are talking about operating on them. At age 92!! this is a person with multiple health issues and poor quality of life. I am not even sure how they would survive the anaesthetic at that age in their health. It's just wrong.

I would love for my parents to be somewhere like that, for peace of mind more than anything.

I don't know if it's accurate to say that the people who discuss inheritance specifically bank on it. Emotions can get heightened around any 'proposed' scenario, whether it comes to pass or not – weddings, jobs, parenting styles, etc etc ...

I'm sure for the majority of people, if their parents need to spend the money instead of pass it on, then it will be accepted and everyone will move on with their lives.

P.S I think about inheritance money sometimes and what I'd do with it AND am also grateful that my mum has a substantial pot to afford care if she needs it – both can be true at once.

Totally agree. After 4 years in dementia care, my Dad's money had dwindled to the 20ish k (I forget the exact figure) the government allow you to be left with. My brother had clearly been banking on an inheritance and hasn't spoken to my Mum or I since finding out there was pretty much nothing left. Dad's money was only ever spent on his care. His flat was sold to pay for it. His savings and pension went on it. Not what my brother thought was going to happen, but he's clearly furious at the outcome.

I've always assumed my parents money would likely go on their care and be very little inheritance which is fine with me as in my mind it's there money. Though I can see how many are way more reliant on recieving parental gifts/inheritance money to buy a home than my cohort were especially as renting is very expensive for less security/quality than it used to be 30+yrs ago.

I'm very glad there is savings so they have choices and not what social decides is bare minimum necessary given the state that's in. I think what's scary is what seems like a lot for savings & property value really doesn't go that far in care home fees and is a chance they may run out. I'm not sure how as family you'd afford the top up fees many have homes have when the savings run out, presumably there's not loads of cheap ones that are fully covered by social.

How much would it cost to stay in a fairly basic hotel single room full board, washing done - at least £750 per week plus there is the personal care 24/7.
Not far less than a care home.
Live in carer (will need two plus a spare to cover holidays and sickness) £35000 each pa.

That's really sensible and my freinds very wealthy father has done this too.

Sadly, once dementia has been diagnosed very little money can be given to anyone due to the deprivation of assets rule so it's all about timing etc which is obviously tricky especially with rates of dementia coming at younger ages these days.

And an equal if not larger number end up with care at home at a comparable cost to care homes. As for the rest - quite often the more able-bodied partner ends up as the de facto carer for the other at great cost to their health and state of mind.

I agree, OP. I'm under no illusions I may not recieve much/any inheritance from my widowed Dad if he needs to pay for care I cannot provide.
My friend, 46, single and no children has spent his adult life planning his future on the inheritance he expects from his parents. He actively uses the figures when taking about his retirement/financial plans etc.
I have tried over the years to explain he may not get much/any at all (his parents are not well off and he has two siblings), however he will then say he will provide any/all care necessary to prevent them needing a care home, to preserve his inheritance.
I don't think he understands how difficult/impossible this may be, depending on their care needs, whilst trying to gold down a full time job.

Asset stripping the elderly does turn a good profit.

https://neweconomics.org/2025/11/private-equity-firms-taking-millions-in-profits-from-care-sector-each-year-new-analysis-reveals

By "comparable cost to care homes", do you mean the cost of the actual care itself, excluding the accommodation costs that are included in care home prices? Even if you are, I honestly don't see how that can compare to the cost of a full team on site round the clock... and I don't think many people have live in full time carers at home (excluding able bodied parthers as you seem to be doing).

It is a huge relief, but it hasn’t been easy for them.

They are in my home country, and they relocated to our childhood area - we had moved when I was in high school. DSis and other family are in the original area.

The arrangement is lovely, but the DPs left behind a network of close friendships that were 40 years in the making. They are too old and frail, partly with mild dementia, to make new friends easily. That’s difficult for DM especially, who left behind a sustaining network of wonderful women.

Looking back, it is difficult to know whether the DPs should perhaps have tried to age in place with live in help - for about the same cost, I imagine, and they could afford to spend more - or to have moved earlier, when better able to establish friendships.

I know they are very lucky overall but this is a bit difficult to watch.

I can imagine this is exactly what will happen with my BIL if FIL needs to pay for care. He has already said if he becomes unwell he and sil (who hates fil) will look after him and convert their dining room to a bedroom. It all to save money rather than actually caring about his welfare.

FIL would rather die than do that so we would never agree to this but he would do anything to preserve his inheritance.

Unbelievable. Fck them, frankly.

Your FIL is lucky to have you

I don’t understand why dementia is not covered by the state. (Of course that’s a hell of a bill to foot..) it’s a terminal illness and should be treated as such imo

Absolutely agree. My elderly parents scrimp and save so my brother who made some poor financial decisions will be have a roof over his head when he’s too old/disabled to work anymore. Kills me but nothing I can do about it. I’ve already told them I don’t want them to leave me anything.

I agree completely, but I am not sure how far this would go towards improving care. Would it not mainly shift the bill?

My parents are absolutely determined not to go into a home - not especially because of the money more because they don't want to end their lives that way. NOT BECAUSE OF INHERITANCE, but I do think it's insane that they can't be sure they'll avoid it. My grandfather was kept alive in a home for years and you would be in trouble with the RSPCA if you'd kept an animal alive in the state he was in (It was a good home, and that wasn't the problem, he was just in a desperate state). I watch my kids' schools in freefall because of the lack of money - and the mad mad cost of eg my aunt whose care is entirely covered by the council because she's run out of money - and I can't see how current state of affairs continues tbh.

If your mum requires care/nursing home and your dad is still alive, there are other options. Joint assets such as the home are not taken into financial consideration when determining whether the cost of a nursing home will be covered or self funded

Because, as you say, it's a hell of a bill to foot.

My parents are absolutely determined not to go into a home - not especially because of the money more because they don't want to end their lives that way

People always say this, or they say "I will end my own life before I get that bad".

It never happens though because once you start to cognitively decline you are unable to think logically and dont have the capacity to make that decision anyway. I get why people say it, noone wants to think their life will end that way, but it's not realistic to say you wont ever go into a home. By that point you probably wont have any choice.

He will soon run a mile when one of his parents, riddled with dementia has soiled themselves for the forth time that day and has to battle with them to removed the soiled whilst their parent is trying to put their hands in it.

Or trying to maintain their ever dwindling patience explaining to the parent for the millionth time that day that their parents (long dead) are not visiting today because they are currently at work or something else you've had to quickly make up to avoid them suddenly realising their parents are actually long dead and the grieve hits them for the first time even though it was actually 30 years ago and when that does happen you have to sit and hold them whilst they bawl their eyes out knowing this scenario will occur over and over again until their memory is completely shot and they just look at you with blank eyes day in day out.

Very few people, especially men (sad but let's be realistic because it's the truth) can put up with that in order to preserve their precious inheritance.

This disease has wrecked me and I'd sooner have zero money coming my way if it means I can restore my health back to what it once was.

I agree with you entirely OP.

I am a widow and according to most people, my main concern should be to make sure no-one else ever gets any of my money accumulated with my husband, and that the entire pot (such as it was as he died late forties) is somehow held in perpetuity til I die and then goes to them.

Luckily I know my husband wanted me to live a life after his death! I've got 40 or 50 years of living to do, and that might include moving somewhere else, spending it all on cruises, having holidays, marrying someone else and buying a new home, in fact, I hope it does include all those things as those are living the life I've been given. I am the lucky one, and my husband absolutely would want me to spend every penny not just on my life, but also on my care and the care of anyone else (including new husband if I have one) in my family at that time.

I am very generous with money, I want to help my children with treats, fees and deposits. I'm also lucky they inherited money themselves. But I'm not going to live a strange life of 'keeping their inheritance' for the next 40 years if that doesn't work for me, because I'm a person too with their own life to livee!

I'm also lucky my children feel the same and have told me to move house, and to marry, and that they will care for me in old age (financially).

I find this idea you start planning what to spend an inheritance on in your forties and fifties totally bizarre, and I've told my mum to spend every single penny she has on good care, adaptations to her house, and if and when the time comes, the best care home. Same for my dad. I don't want anything left, I want them to have the best lives and the most comfortable end of lives (having seen how hard it is even if you have that) and inheritance is just not in there, apart from making sensible arrangements just in case there's anything left.