With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

As long as you are happy to be in a care home of the councils choice that will be fine and accept you may potentially be moved on if your care needs increase over time.

My MIL wanted her choice of private care home that had the staff and set up to care for her until the end, one within walking distance of both her sons and several of her friends with faces she recognised from our neighbourhood in both the employed care home staff and other residents.

The Council would have placed her at least 12 miles away in a Council run home and her elderly friends would have found it too difficult to visit. I think a life of saving not frittering away money by both her and my late FIL was money well spent in keeping her content in her final 4.5 years.

My mum will periodically tell me she's "SKIing" - spending the kids inheritance. I tell her good for you - enjoy your money, you earned it, nothing to do with me. If I receive an inheritance one day, great, but I'm not entitled to anything and I'd rather see my parents doing things they enjoy after they worked hard and saved for the last 50 years. Realistically I am unlikely be able to do loads of care for them due to where I live, so even if they do have loads of cash left floating around in their 90s I know where it will go and I'd rather they paid top dollar for the best care available!

We have but due to mum's breast cancer under control with medication and the pace maker covering her heart issues etc they said she wasn't that complex.

Absolutely agree with this. You are too polite, but I'll say it. Relentlessly keeping ancient, suffering people alive isn't humane. Also, its a colossal waste of money and resource

Ten years ago I would have been totally against what you have said but I realise how naive I was with regards to dementia. Like many, I genuinely believed it to be just memory loss and had a picture of an old person looking a bit vacant and needing a little assistance with things. Now with experience and hindsight I am totally in agreement with anyone wanting to end their life with dignity if they want to before all of that is stripped to the core.

Dementia takes away everything from the sufferer and those who love them.

It isn't. We have been turned down and many, many people on all of the support groups I am on are in a similar position.

I know someone who was in a care home for almost 10 years - total cost of that is over 1 million. So, even if you have savings chances are, if you live long enough they will run out anyway, and you'll still then be at the mercy of the council.

Unless you're squirrelled away millions

You're right- I know several people who applied for this- all serious and complex dementia cases, all turned down for it.

you say that but would you be able to access something suitable?

Is this actually factually done? go take a look at my post at 12.56

Well I will be popping pills so I don’t get to the stage of being in care.

People always say this but by the time they've developed cognitive issues they forgot they said it and arent actually capable of doing it anyway

Even without paying for dementia care, many overestimate what they'll get.

My late husband was older than me and then developed multiple health problems. This meant that I was the main wage earner, but very reluctantly gave up working when I was 58, having cut down to 4 days a week the year before. (I had already been caring for him for some years.)

His adult children expressed their thanks to me after their father died, but I think they got a shock when their cheques arrived - they waited a month before cashing them, presumably to verify whether they were entitled to more.

In spite of the fact that they both earned much more than us, one of the kids in particular seemed to rely on handouts from us and my husband's ex. (She inherited all of her late partner's estate and I think was passing on money regularly to avoid the 7 yr rule.)

I don't think that the kids ever really understood that their father had only a moderate pension - his state pension plus £8k a year for a teaching pension. (He was a late entrant to teaching and was previously on the basic agricultural wage.)

There was a small piece of property in my husband's name, but I had paid off the mortgage for it, so DH left it to me. (I'd emptied my savings to pay it off.)

My mother had dementia, so I'm aware of care costs, having done the night time care myself when she lived with us, but having paid for extra care during the day and some respite.

One of my husband's kids told me quite bluntly that their father would have been in a care home had it not been for me and once (when I had a health scare and phoned to make it plain that their father would need care if anything happened to me) asked "You're not thinking of leaving him, are you?"

I was a bit taken aback when I realised that the kids were checking to see whether they were entitled to more money, but I guess that's human nature. It actually caused problems - the bank was unwilling to honour the cheques at first, fearing that I was being swindled. (I think the problem was the one month wait coupled with three cheques being written out to different people.)

I did get it sorted out, but not before two of the recipients had complained to our solicitor.

So, to answer your post, @OP , I do think that many families do overestimate their inheritance.

My mum died last week at the age of 94 - almost 95. She had been diagnosed with vascular dementia almost ten years ago. Thankfully she lived with us and we managed her care as a family along with great input from her GP and district nurses, and kept her at home with us to the very end.

Having had periods of respite when LA carers came in I can attest to how expensive even that was. Mum was only in receipt of basic state pension and a small private pension plus AA but they still took over £200 a week from her because they assessed her as having no living expenses. My point here is that even with advanced dementia the elderly can live a very long time, so no one should be banking on anything as an inheritance and be thankful that they can afford appropriate care when they most need it.

Very few people live in a care home for over 10 years.

I'm an Older Person's social worker and, very often, people who are self funders go into care homes far too early. If they had had a social care assessment they would have been told about other options including extra care, which is often a fantastic option for people. You get your own flat, your own facilities but with 24 hour staffing on site. And at a fraction of the cost of a care home.

ETA And I mean the Extra Care schemes run by Housing Associations/RSLs not the private "independent living" type scheme run by the likes of McCarthy & Stone

It's very hard though. My grandmother entered an MH dementia nursing facility aged 81. She had her legs at the start, if not her memory.

Over the next five years she reduced to 4.5 stone, having lost the ability to feed/eat/swallow. Doubly incontinent. Had forgotten how to walk. Had a vibrating bed, bougbt by mother to keep bed sores at bay. Mother went daily, did her hair, washed her clothes to keep them home smart, fed her baby food, gave her drinks from a sippy cup. During the last couple of years there were countless tia's, minor infections when she could have been "let go" but mother wouldn't have it. It was pitiful on a variety of levels. Not least because mother pretty much missed her grandchildren for their early years.

She died just before her 86th birthday. Alzheimers wrought its worst over a period of 16 years. Most elderly people ha e other underlying conditions as well. Grandma didn't, she was as tough physically as old boots. Ran a stable yard, rode daily, managed a farm single handed throughout the war. She was proud, she'd have wanted to go. Mother couldn't let her.

Mother is 89 and is becoming frail. It sounds wicked to say it, but I hope her ending is swift.

I agree with not extending suffering but what do you think should be done instead? What interventions should not be given to those people which you KNOW are currently given?

Ok, so some examples- feeding tubes- evidence suggests they dont improve outcomes. Things like assisted hydration dont prolong life, they just prolong the dying process.

Secondly, constant hospital admissions (which is stressful and confusing for dementia patients especially) and aggressive IV anti biotics that keep them alive but barely conscious - basically as long as their heart keeps beating its fine.

Thirdly, resuscitation attempts - I know you can sign a DNAR but if someone has declined rapidly and isnt cognitively able to sign for it, why the hell are we continually bringing them back

All cruel.

I agree - I am just pointing out that you could save as much money as you physically can and elder care could still run through it quickly.

Several people on here replying that many dementia sufferers don't end up in care homes but the majority of care home patients are dementia sufferers. There are currently around a million diagnosed dementia patients in the UK.

So who is caring for these people if they can't care for themselves? Do you actually have any idea what it means to suffer from dementia? There are millions of unpaid carers for starters and then there are paid carers coming in to homes every day, they are not going to change soiled pads for nothing, most charge at least £20 per hour and many sufferers need several visits per day and often with more than one carer at a time.

And with the rate of dementia rising every year and most children living far away from elderly parents they will have no choice but to go into care or have at home care.

My condolences.

Just to say that I agree with all of this. Mum was 90 when she died at home here 6 years ago. Her diagnosis was mixed dementia.

ETA I had to buy in help because I'm an only child and was working full-time. Also, my husband had his stroke the same year that Mum moved in with us.

DH managed during the day, but I had to help him bathe and dress and managed the night-time care for both him and Mum.

I think the real question is, why on earth does a care home cost circa £1600 a week? That's an absolute piss take. Now, £500 a week would be entirely reasonable. Where on EARTH is the money going? Someone is lining their pockets, surely? I checked our local home, as we thought Dad might need it....the rooms are tiny and not expensively furnished. It was like a Premier Inn room that had been put through a shrinking machine. WHY is it so expensive??

Of course don’t bank on an inheritance.

The private equity care home owners are already banking on extracting it before you.

Vets, dentists, vast parts of the NHS, nurseries, fostering - anything where people need care. They’ve been allowed to extract the maximum from us all.

I don't think many people have actually seen the end stages of alzheimers/dementia. I hope they never will. Most people with dementia/Alzheimers die of something else before the bastard disease takes them.

They are caring for people 24 hours a day. There are 168 hours in a week, so £1600 divided by that works out at £9.50 an hour which seems reasonable when you look at it like that.

There's also building and contents maintenance, utilities, full staff including people like cooks and cleaners, equipment and just the rent of the room.

It's expensive.

This is very, very naive!!

Care homes are expensive because they operate as a 24/7 combination of hotel, hospital, and safeguarding service, with the majority of costs going on staffing, including carers, nurses, kitchen staff, cleaners, and management. Would you work night shifts in a care home for minimum wage and no extra pay for doing a night shift???

On top of that are significant property and running costs like heating, maintenance, and utilities, as well as food, laundry, and clinical supplies such as incontinence products and medical equipment. Homes must also meet strict regulatory requirements set by CQC, which adds further costs through training, inspections, insurance, and compliance. Additional financial pressure comes from admin, recruitment, and the need to cover empty beds when occupancy drops.

Some profits exist, particularly in private homes the reality is that these services are inherently labour-intensive and costly to run, especially for highly dependent residents who require intensive, hands on care multiple times a day.

There is no way you'd even be able to employ enough staff for the home to be safe on £500 a week 🤣