With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

I never bank on inheritance either. My dad is 88 and currently independent but my Grandma ( his mum ) lived well into her nineties and was in a care home with dementia so I'm conscious that it may well happen to him too.
I have a group of 5 close friends from school days so we know the ins and outs of each others lives and out of the four that have lost both parents only one has received any significant inheritance as all the others parents ended up in care homes and houses needed to be sold.

It should never be relied on or form part of future financial planning ... anything left to you is a bonus, not a right.

That’s a very long post and I can’t work out what your point or question is.

I think people are delusional about the amount of care the elderly can need even without Alzheimer’s.

Some many people are like “I don’t want my kids to look after me I’ll be fine”. My parents died relatively young and didn’t require a care home but things like managing appointments, false teeth walking sticks glasses bank accounts etc because they couldn’t manage anymore was a part time job in itself.

And if I didn’t do those things nobody else would. My dad lived in supported accommodation and even now there is a huge gap in what carers and the state will do versus what is actually required.

It really worries me, it’s not going to be good for the tidal wave of elderly people coming.

It's something I've often said, op.
In dhs family, his uncle ended up spending circa £200k on care home fees before he died (about 4/5 years worth). It was a nice home and he was happy there.
His great uncle is still paying £5k per month and has been for years. (We are in the Midlands not the SE)
His house was sold, his (substantial) savings are gone.
It's sad, really. I'm glad they are/were being cared for well, but they could have spent more/had more comfortable old age/travelled...hoarding money is never a great idea once old, enjoy it is my advice.
And anyone who is "relying" on an inheritance is a fool.

I don't know too many who have received big inheritances either but know many who are paying out for either home help services, care fees or care home fees.

Until it affects them I don't think many people realise just how expensive care of the elderly really can be.

It really is going to be a nightmare for the future and having now experienced the full true demands on physical, mental and financial costs that is involved in caring for the elderly, I genuinely fear it for my own future.

My parents are lucky to have savings but that did come at a cost, they hoarded all and did nothing when they retired. I am thankful in many ways they can afford decent care and we will be able to chose a good care home for mum and that does give me peace of mind especially after viewing some of the cheaper end of care homes recently which I wouldn't put a pet in but it seems unless you earn a small fortune throughout your career and have millions you have two choices, either live a good life having fun, spend your money and not worry about the care you receive later or save it all so you have wider choices.

Either way that doesn't leave much for inheritance for all those expecting it when their parents die.

My current job ( soon to be ending) is going round to older people's homes, helping them to claim Attendance allowance ,pension credit etc. I think we are facing a real crisis. We currently have people in their eighties and nineties trying to look after spouses and both struggling and we now regularly have people in their seventies ( and often not in great health themselves ) looking after parents in their nineties. Many are not coping and not being picked up by social services. I go into so many houses that are filthy, in states of disrepair, filthy carpets, hoarding. It's not that people want to live like this but things have just got out of hand and o-one to help. It is going to get a lot worse as people have less kids and adult kids are often geographically distant or don't want to help. I do think it needs cross party talks to address the issues we face because currently it seems like no-one is addressing social care issues.

The pil both had Alzheimer’s. All their savings and house were used. The sad thing is that they were lifelong skinflints.

I don’t know what will happen, I’m sure, as the Govt is meddling in pensions, and as for any future Green/very left wing involvement - well, the elderly will be left with few assets which will mean more burden on the taxpayer.

As the carer for DH with dementia I find it quite alarming that we have a thread which in essence runs my parent has been struck by an awful debilitating disease. Oh no, I might not get any money. People should always come ahead of your bank balance.

I’m a firm believer that any money or assets belonging to parents while they are alive are for their own use - so if they need care, that’s what it should be used for!

My DM went into a lovely care home for the last four years of her life, and when she passed away.

Yes, the money from selling her house had greatly diminished, and myself and my siblings inherited a share of a much smaller amount than there would have been if she hadn’t required care, but she was very well looked after and happy for those four years, and for that I will be forever thankful.

Would be better if the care system was more equal and self funders were not having to subsidise local authority funded residents.
Also if properly was taken into account when assessing funding for care at home. My neighbour refused to go into a care home but had two carers round four times a day paid for by local authority another neighbour had to sell her house to pay for residential care. First neighbours family had a large inheritance second neighbours family had not a lot.
I am spending my money now on things I enjoy (which includes helping DC's house purchases etc) - give with a warm hand.

This is why we've been helping our son during his Uni years and first few years of working. Far better to help him setting out in life and making him self-sufficient with a good education/good career than leaving him to fend for himself in minimum wage work having to wait for his inheritance before he can buy a house, have expensive holidays, etc. We've helped set him up so that he can earn enough to look after himself and have a good life, then he won't "need" any more inheritance from us. "Teach a man to fish and he'll never be hungry, give a man a fish and he'll be hungry the next day"

We both "suffered" because neither of our parents gave us any financial support when we were young and we had to fend for ourselves in low paid crap jobs due to effectively not being allowed to have a better education. That had knock on effects, such as compromising on what adult/further education we could do and what jobs we could do. It took us both many years to scrabble some qualifications together to get into better professions and then years more doing self study to get professional qualifications alongside full time work. It meant we delayed getting married and delayed starting a family. It meant we couldn't buy a house near either set of parents. Ultimately it meant our parents only had one grandchild as I was too old to have a second after having my first at nearly 40! It meant they didn't see as much of their grandchild as they wanted because we didn't live close and they became too old to drive long distances.

By the time we got our respective inheritances, it did us no good as we were approaching retirement ourselves and had paid off our mortgage etc. The money is literally sat in the bank unspent - except for amounts given to our son so he didn't need to take out maximum student loans, amounts we've filtered into his ISA accounts and amounts we paid to help set him up in his unfurnished rented flat in the city he first started working (hundreds of miles away) for furniture, utensils, F&F etc. We encouraged him to move away for work so that he wouldn't be limited by poor career/job availability in the crap run down region we live in and the only way to do that was to subsidise the costs of him relocating! We've both said we'd wished our grandparents had left their estates directly to our son, but they didn't, so we've been drip feeding their money to him ourselves to help him when he needs, not make him wait until we die!

Had our respective parents given us some financial support, even small amounts, our lives, and those of our parents could have been so different. We didn't want to impose that on our son. I'm sure our parents would have preferred for us to have lived closer to them, given them more grandchildren, been close enough for them to have had more "fun" with the grandchildren, etc., than just watching numbers get bigger in their building society passbooks!

@Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot

I am spending my money now on things I enjoy (which includes helping DC's house purchases etc) - give with a warm hand.

Same here. Today's younger generation need the helping hand more than ever.

I agree. My sister and I run a home help service so most of our customers are the very people you mention. It breaks my heart to see so many of them struggling, often with children living abroad or miles away which is stressful for them too as they just can't help their parents.

As you know, the government will only step in once savings go below £23,250 so many are forced to pay out for care, cleaners, home helps etc and so many are from eras where family stepped in to help their older relatives so they find it hard to pay out for help and struggle on until they end up in dire straits.

It's so sad. And sadder are the ones we help who's dc do little to help but you can guarantee they will be there in a swift moment as soon as wills get read, I have seen this many times.

As has been said on many an inheritance thread this week… it’s not your money and you are not entitled to any of it, so shouldn’t be calculating how much you will receive anyway. It may get eaten up in care home fees or left to the orphans of Gaza or the donkeys of Greece.

Plan your life without it and be pleasantly heartened if you get anything in due course. And perhaps step up to ensure your parent has all the support and medical interventions they need to preserve health, mental acuity and the quality of their life over the remaining years.

YANBU- I agree. I also agree with a PP that many people are completely delusional about how much care someone might need.

I see many snarky comments on here about how awful it is that kids wont help their parents and how cold they are not to "care" for them in their old age but what they don't get is that when you are doubly incontinent you may well need 4 care calls a day. No working adult would be able to provide that for their parents (as well as caring for their own kids) its completely unrealistic.

I also think we are too obsessed these days with keeping people alive when their quality of life is utterly appalling. Its dreadful. I am not even talking about assisted suicide or anything like that but the fact that we continue to aggressively intervene to keep someone's life going when they are confused, frail, cant eat or drink properly, bed bound, in constant unrelenting pain etc
Its inhumane to keep someone alive like that.

Indeed, nobody should assume an inheritance unless perhaps your family is really super duper wealthy, and even then there are things that can go wrong.

Whatever happened to the suggestions from thr Dilnot inquiry? I seem to recall that was largely pretty well received but did it get implemented?

Then you have misinterpreted what I am trying to say.

I am stating that there are so many threads on MN with people with seemingly itchy feet who can not wait until they receive inheritance from a parent who may, potentially be struck down with the biggest killer in this country. A disease which costs a lot in care fees. These people who already appear to be spending their parents money will have a nasty shock if and when their loved ones succumb to such a wicked disease.

As I have mentioned in my OP, I do not and have never expected to receive anything from my parents money-wise, I have my own money. I have spent the last 8 years helping to care for my mum, I help clean her up, I feed her, I spend time with her and I weep every night for her because she is my best friend and just as you have lost your DH I have lost my mum, I lost her years ago.

And I take great offence you have suggested I may think otherwise.

It is a long post but it’s well written and I understand the OPs point very well.

I agree with you OP. My parents are wealthy but not in great health in their early 80s. Even if they don’t need residential care we will have to pay so much inheritance tax there will hardly be anything left once split between my sibling and me.

I don’t rely on it and I’m so grateful for the gifts and support they’ve given me over the years - private school, funded uni, lived at home after to save, wedding costs, helped with house deposit, paid for lots of family holidays and dinners, provided endless childcare for my DC, helped with school fees, lived with them when renovating my house, the list is endless. I’m glad they will be able to fund good care if they need it and I have no expectation of any more funds. My sibling and I are high earners and hope to provide the same support to our DC.

This is exactly my thinking.

We have tried to keep mum at home for as long as possible, not to save on care home fees but because it's her home and where she would want to be but it's getting too much now so we are looking at homes but I want her to go into the best one for her needs and I am thankful she has enough savings to (hopefully) cover all her needs and if that means my lovely mum can be looked after as well as she has been at home then I do not care if it uses up all her money and assets.

No-one should bank on inheritance. That would be insane.
i am in my 50s, and there’s no DPs left now on either mine or DH’s side, but I have a few friends whose parents are both still alive and/or the will is going to be v complicated when they do die.

Best just to save what you can if possible, live within your means and any inheritance is a bonus.
We will be in a reasonable financial position once we retire and would prefer to gift some assets to DC while we’re still alive rather than they be fully liable for inheritance tax.
My MIL had care costs at the end of her life, about 6-weeks worth of a live-in carer. She could afford it, but I also see some friends having to pay for their DPs’ care and their DP is bedbound and basically a shell. It’s a terrible situation.

A friend of mine is 33 and speaks a lot about the inheritance that her DH is set to have in future. We went to a small spa recently which has a cottage next to it with a heated pool and she said one day she wants a house like that, with heated pool included. (She will not think of the ongoing maintenance costs of this, she works a junior/mid level marketing role.)

Her MIL is only in her early 60s, recently retired from a “big job” and has re-married. I have tried to gently point out that mother in law could sell her lovely country home and travel with new husband (bye bye a lot of money) and then in later years need care providing for if she becomes ill. It’s not to say that my friend and her DH won’t get something but if this ladies net worth between cash and assets is at best, £1.5 million, (house £700K max) I personally don’t think it’s a huge amount now she’s retired and may need later care. Yes, her and husband may get £500-750K if they’re lucky, but even then, it’s 20 years from now when they’re in their 50s themselves?

I am as astonished as you how many seem to rely on that coming. My DH parents have about £100K shares, £200K in investment savings, a £500K house, decent pensions paying out and are only in their early/mid-60s. When we met 8 years ago, I pointed out to my DH his gran lived until she was 93 and that his dads mum needed a LOT of care before she died (all free, his parents wouldn’t be) so we need to push ourselves rather than wait until we’re in our 50s/60s for a windfall that might never come!

As horrible as it is, though, it's true that inheritance, or the thought of it, does funny things to people. How many threads do we get over inheritance issues? There's a reason so many murder mysteries hinge on inheritance.

In fact I foresee a potential inheritance dispute/issue in my future; might not happen for various reasons (the most obvious one being that there may be no inheritance at all) but equally it's entirely possible. I might seek opinions on here if it should happen.