With dementia on the increase, AIBU to think that many overestimate the amount of inheritance they may receive?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I can't help but wonder if people (who currently don't have an elderly or unwell parent) realise just how expensive care fees are in this country?

I see so many inheritance threads on here and people getting upset because they have discovered a sibling or other relative is set to benefit more from a potential will or that a parent or in-law has suggested they should add this person in or take that person out and see threads stating 'We are set to inherit this or dc will be rich at 25 with this big inheritance from their gp' etc?

I can't help but wonder with an ever growing ageing society and diseases like dementia being the biggest killer in this country that many people will have a shock when their parent or grandparent ends up in a care home and all of 'their' inheritance is swallowed up.

I'll be honest, up until a few years ago, I too had no idea just how expensive care costs are to the individual or to society in general.

My parents are in their 80's and mum is (now) in advanced Alzheimer's disease having suffered for the last 8 years and even though she also has cancer, heart disease and osteoporosis her poor body must have a strong will and desire to keep on living because despite succumbing to various infections and a couple of falls over the last year, one which saw her fracture her neck (a fracture that most elderly osteoporosis sufferers die from), she keeps on going.

Due to her frailty and double incontinence she requires carers 3 times a day which is currently costing mum £4k per month (almost £40k so far). Thankfully my parents can afford this. Post hospital discharge mum had 6 weeks of 'free' LA funded care and it was dreadful, so we are thankful there are funds for private care and I will forever be grateful for that. This current care though is really not enough so between my elderly father, my sister and I we fill in the rest of the time (carers only here for a maximum of 3 hours per day, usually less) and it is beyond stressful. Eventually and probably sooner rather than later we will have to conclude we just can not keep mum at home any longer and she will most probably have to go into a care home and with her growing complex needs it will more than likely cost £1600+ per week, so at least £70k per year. Dad is 85 this year and although he is in physical good health we are concerned that his cognition is declining too so who knows what the future lies ahead for him and how much care he may need?

DH's uncle had a stroke two years ago and has been in a care home, on end of life care, for the last 18 months, this has so far racked up a bill of £150k.

Personally, I have never relied on an potential future inheritance and I am thankful that my parents have enough funds to be able to pay for the best care their money can buy, I know many are not so lucky. But I could never rely on my parents money coming my way and so dh and I have long ago made our own provisions for the future but reading so many of the inheritance threads here with siblings squabbling over wills whilst their (often not yet too elderly) parents are still in fine fettle makes me wonder how many will be in for a big shock should either of their parents or relatives become one of the many who are diagnosed with dementia every year and need lots of care?

Sorry about your mum’s dementia and health problems, which sound hard.

Would be interested in stats about proportion of people needing extensive personal care.

I don’t see posts about wills on MN such as you describe : most seem to be about perceived unfair treatment between people in families and feeling hurt about the treatment.

So you inherited while the tax payer picked up the care bill ?

@EndlessSeaViews Thanks for replying I really was worried about writing my views but I can see you fully understand how awful it is to watch a person suffer, especially one you love, so hope for them to have their suffering end. Wishing you and your Mum the best.

Robin Williams did it. Plenty of people do. You just have to do it early enough.

And everybody should be able to make an advanced directive to be euthanised if they get diagnosed with dementia and reach a certain point in the disease progression.

This study finds the suicide rate to be about 7 times higher than average among those diagnosed with early-onset dementia (in the months following diagnosis): https://www.qmul.ac.uk/news/latest-news/2022/smd/suicide-risk-almost-seven-times-higher-after-diagnosis-of-young-onset-dementia.html

Although I find it grimly laughable that these studies and articles call suicide a "risk" in these circumstances, rather than a mercy and a rational decision.

I find this to be both monstrous cruelty (to the sufferer and their family) and an outrageous waste of resources from a health service on its knees.

Why isn't this one of society's main talking points, instead of the "boat people"? It directly affects almost all of us and the people we love.

Hm, someone was bemoaning their own mothers house value and savings on another thread. In fact, they said their mother was "selfish" for not funding their grandchildren's uni costs since their DM had an expensive home and savings.

I think they should be re-directed here and everyone else who supported that short-sighted, narrow-minded, selfish view.

I would really miss the inheritance threads though. Those and parking (with diagram) threads are my faves on mumsnet.
Haven’t see a parking one for a while, now that I think of it.

but what was it: don't expect any inheritance, it is their money, let them use it for care if they need care. So which one is it now

My dad has just gone through £400k of his savings on care home fees. And all he did all his life was saved. I just wish he’d have spent it and enjoyed this money. He had dementia, is paralysed, doubly incontinent, cannot swallow and has been like this for 5 years. It is torture to watch his body limp along in this hell. And for what!?

Yes and yes very fortunate due to both parents being in work whilst we were growing up but I could care for my parents when the time came, I saw my parents help my grandparents in more ways then one, I watched a bbc Scotland disclosure programme on iPlayer yesterday and think I now understand a bit more whilst quite different in Scotland. At least about the billing I think I understand why a lot of people come through on the phone confused at times.

It's such a wickedly awful disease but what really is the answer?

Watching my mum go through this these last 8 years does make me think 'right I'm going to go and have fun now and blow all my savings'. But the flip side is that if you don't have enough funds for care your family have no choice where you go and you could end up in a dreadful place or your children will have to run their selves ragged trying to keep you at home so you don't end up in one of those awful homes. I now keep thinking that I can't and wont put my own children through this so I'll need to keep saving so I can place myself in the best care facility whilst I still have capacity or trust my DC will chose the right one.

It's a very difficult decision have to contemplate.

This is why I am looking at an advanced directive. If I am deemed to have permanently lost capacity (ie not just temporarily unconscious/having a nap) then I want all medication to stop. This includes 'maintenance' medication.

I am 'fortunate' to have a blood clotting disorder. If I stop taking warfarin then I run the risk of developing a spontaneous PE, DVT, stroke. Untreated these would likely become fatal.

At the discussion stage now. DH is on board. His own DM developed dementia and was pointlessly kept alive long after she was getting anything out of her life.

I was never particularly banking on it but at one point it looked as though if Mum and dad died, there would have been about £100 000 for each of us. My parents were careful with money and saved diligently. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't wishing them gone.
10 years in care for mum and there's nothing left. Don't rely on an inheritance.

The modest advantage of DM leaving her estate (such as it is now) to DGCs rather than us, her DCs, is that I already knew I wasnt getting anything except a load of work.

It has hit one of my DBs hard. He was banking on DM's money. I do feel sorry for him, least favoured out of DM's DCs from childhood. And now the final insult is that whatever is left of DM's estate bypasses him altogether.

He doesnt visit DM much and I cant say I blame him.

I totally agree with this, I will do the same.

That’s so hard

Unfortunately you can’t make an “advanced directive” - you will be kept alive come what may unless you have a major heart attack, to which a dnr may apply. As others have said, post Shipman/Liverpool Care Pathway doctors/nursing homes will absolutely not allow anyone to fade away peacefully. It’s antibiotics all the way, no matter how pitiful your state.

And of course we all say, “Oh, I’ll do away with myself” but ime few face up to it. Fil went to great lengths to hide mil’s dementia. And mil went berserk when bil tried to have The Conversation. I suppose if my dcs said to me now that they thought I had Alzheimer’s I’d hotly deny it!

@MaturingCheeseball an advance directive can be legally binding on HCPs. There are certain conditiins to be met but once those are in place treatment can be refused in advance.

This is where you need decent and understanding medical professionals on board. Mums GP is brilliant, she has re-written mum’s ReSPECT form which includes only antibiotics if absolutely necessary which in most cases we will refuse. She has stated mum is only to be administered medications for pain relief and comfort. She has also prescribed anticipatory meds for when the time comes which we will use to avoid any hospital admissions and we have the contact details for our local hospice at home care team.

If you have decent health professionals onboard and work as a team it’s possible for your wishes to be respected.