To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

oh FFS. Your husband serves him and your husband deals with any fallout from HIS father.

It does take more time to make two lots of eggs and toast if the other person initially says No thanks, when the OP offers before starting to cook, and then changes their mind when she is about to finish making the food, though, @user2848502016 - and that is what happened.

Dinner type meals for lunch is a bit odd but honestly at 16, why are you cooking all his meals? If my 14 year old couldn't make a curry I'd be gobsmacked. He makes a banging Teriyaki chicken fried rice. Even the 11 year old can make basics, like scrambled eggs or spaghetti bolognaise. If your 16 year old can't, you're really making a rod for your own back.

Seriously OP? You’re dropping and picking up your 16 year old from school and activities every day (you say school is only 2 minutes by car), making all his meals and drinks and tutoring him? Why are you treating him like a little child?

I find it interesting that you are struggling with equality in terms of the domestic duties with your husband when you are actively raising a young man who is already clearly very entitled. He helped with washing up and a few small chores? Come on now, why are you treating him like a baby? It looks like the 1950s because you are behaving like it’s the 1950s. Making hot chocolates on tap for a 16 year old? Driving him to school when it’s 2 minutes away?! I feel sorry for his future partner.

You would feel less resentful if you enabled your grown son to behave like an adult for starters.

i say if they’re hungry enough they’ll learn to cook! It’s really not difficult. I haven’t formally taught either of my sons to cook, but they have observed their parents and can read. They might not make it perfectly first time but they learn pretty quickly. When I went to uni no one taught me anything beforehand. I just muddled through and got on with it. Kids nowadays have all the resources they need at their fingertips. Couldn’t be much easier.

When your son says just a sandwich, I’d say half the world eats a sandwich for lunch and lots of them even make it themselves or thank the person who made it, I don’t think you’ve done either? I’ll eat it and you can make your own?

but as for your dh, you stomp in and say ‘are you making lunch today? And when he does the pathetic sulking no, you say ok I was just checking. So no one in this marriage makes lunch for anyone who hasn’t made them a cooked breakfast. I haven’t done a tally but you owe me many years worth of lunches, and since you’re being a petty sulking child I’m going to collect on that. If I make something it’s either for ds and i or probably just me since i dont understand why you can’t cook for your own son.
and walk out

But he didn't ask you to make his breakfast, OP - he said 'can I get some eggs and toast too?'. I would have said 'yes, of course, it's all here on the worktop ready for you to cook'. Proof that the awful 'can I get' causes confusion!

You say "yes darling, I have made you a sandwich. Not 'just a sandwich'. The polite response to that is 'thanks mum'."
You are doing him as much of a diservice as you are yourself. Presumably you're hoping he goes to uni in two years? He needs to be ready for that because I remember the contempt the rest of us had for the 18 year olds who couldn't cook a basic meal, whose mum had done their packing for them etc. Starting at 16 is very late - like others on the thread I was about 8 when I started making my own packed lunches - but it's better now than never. You've got two years not just to teach him some basic cooking and household skills but also to understand that he's approaching adulthood and needs to start taking responsibility for himself, which includes things like walking a 2 minute drive to a carpool!
You make it sound like you have no choices here but you do. The lazy men in your life can expect you to do all this shit for you as much as they want but only you can decide if you're going to do it or not. Practice saying no thank you.

The teriyaki chicken fried rice sounds delicious, @Balloonhearts - would your son mind sharing the recipe, please?

Why does the fact he’s sulking (emotionally blackmailing you) mean you have to make lunch? Come on, OP, grow a pair! The best way to deal with someone who’s sulking is to completely ignore it.

Perhaps my memory has got fuzzy with age, but, as I recall, my youngest son was putting his clothes into the washing machine and switching it on by the age of 7. It seems strange now, but I believe he also did his own ironing! (Can that be true?). I'm sure I supervised closely.. He was the youngest child . I went on strike with his older brothers, and he followed suite. I do remember other people being flabbergasted at the time. I also more or less gave up on cooking as there was a lack of appreciation and from their teens my sons just made their own pasta etcetera. I expect the youngest was also a prodigy in that respect.
The memory may be blurry round the edges, but it's overall accurate.

OP, I'm reading educational ambition into this post re 16 year old son. He must be helped in every way to academic success and this is understandable.

Also, I'm sure the cultural values are huge. I can only think that women are valued and appreciated for the level of home comforts they provide and it becomes part of one's identity.

If it were my teen I’d say “you’re welcome to make your own curry”

Look there’s nothing wrong with having a hot cooked lunch every day, it’s probably healthier. But it’s not compatible with having two parents working full time. I like cooking and I could make 3 cooked meals a day if I didn’t also have a full time job!

You’re also doing your teens no favours at all by not teaching them how to do this stuff. You’re going to send them out into the world as helpless adults

My head is literally bashed by this thread, and your posts OP 🤯😵‍💫
Have I read this right in that you are a family of DW, DH and a 16 year old? And you are struggling to make food and drinks for you all? 3 people?? 🤦‍♀️

You tell him you’re not his maid or a cafe service. The ikkle love will just have to live with his disappointment.

Of course, I'll get him to write it down later when he gets in.

I am Polish and we also eat dinner type food for lunch (although about 1-2 pm.), but we batch cook and freeze so we only need to re-heat them and cook rice or pasta. However I would expect a 16 year old to be able to make stir fry or some pasta dishes.

Also, why do you need to set the washing machine after DS has loaded it?
My DC were perfectly capable of sorting and putting a load on by the time they started secondary school - if not before!

I appreciate this is a bit “back in my day all this were fields” (and times have changed) but I was working full time at 16. Time to teach him some life skills OP

I think in this case, it's a fair point!

Mine could do this, largely because they could see on the dial "40°c regular wash" or whatever.
It's as if the OP thinks it's too onerous!

Both your DH and DC need to adult more. Your DC is a few short years away from adulthood. You're not doing him any favours by infantilising him. If he wants a curry, he can learn to make a curry.

Things have to change.

Being a bit of a soft touch (but also pragmatic I think), given he's done nothing his whole life, I don't think the next 2 months are the time for him to suddenly get to grips with difficult things like buttering bread 🙄.

I'd give them a heads up that as soon as his exams are done, things are changing. You each (Inc husband) make your own breakfasts, and own lunches unless you happen to be doing the same thing. OP and husband each cook 3 dinners a week, and the teenager 1 either just got himself or for everyone.

Just stop doing it for everyone but yourself and let them fend for themselves. You sound like a slave!!

If my partner said "can I get eggs and toast?". I would have said " go ahead". The act of getting is just that, get it yourself.

You are mollycoddling your son and bringing him up to not be able to survive on his own in the world. I really feel sorry for his future partner.