To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

Yes I agree.
It's all very well saying it was sllly to snap. But it sounds like you were stretched and maybe it was good to get it out in the open and for him to see it. Its not like you always react like that. Sad that his reaction is to sullk. Isn't that silly too?

Sounds a bit like even though you are both working and wfh at that - that its still your job to think about everything else and organise it, whereas he is allowed to swan about.

You're worried about the forthcoming exams to and its only natural to give DC a bit of extra TLC and support to keep their nose to the grindstone. It's not forever, either.

I'd be having chat when he's finished sulking.

Also. the food thing would annoy me too... just go ahead and order what's needed for the next shop online. Since you're being left in charge of organising and thinking ahead - you don't need to ask, do you?

My 12 and 9 year old make their own lunch for school. Its generally a wrap or sandwich and they get the other bits fruit etc and put it their lunchboxes.

Why wouldn’t you make his if you were making your own?

You tell him to get a grip and act his age.

My DDs are 12 and 13. They make their own breakfast if they're having it and during the week help me make their lunches. On the weekends they often cook at least one meal for the family (be that lunch or dinner). They also walk to and from school, walk the dogs, have a chore rota.

I'm pretty shocked any teenager isn't capable of making their own lunch, or walking to school - let alone a car pool. Honestly, you're doing him no favours.

Omfg. Is this a real question? I’m sorry that I’ve done the cardinal sin of not reading thread first, but up to here and oh my fucking god. Of course teenagers make their own food!!

Yep, this pretty much sums it up. DS15 since he started secondary school (aged 11 years) does his own washing, room, gets own breakfast, and does his own lunch at weekends/during school holidays. Usually sandwiches, toasties, pasta dishes but also does proper food like rice, chicken etc. I make hot chocolate for him, because he likes the way I make it, but he'll make me a cup of tea at least twice a day.

This is quite a drip feed. If you'd put it in your first post, you wouldn't have got so many "it would only have taken two minutes" responses.

You asked him, he said no. He waited until you had finished doing yours, THEN said yes. He's just trying to make more work for you.

DH is the one sending the strong message that we should be cooking for DC and not asking them to do it themselves

And yet DH isn't the one doing the cooking. I would go on strike, if I were you. Let them sort themselves out.

She asked him if he wanted any before starting. He said no. When she finished cooking, he asked her to make him some.

"Can I get..." would have me raging if I was already annoyed.
" I'm sure you can. If you just get off your arse, and get yourself into the kitchen, then you just have to get a pan out of the cupboard and cook some eggs, and so forth. I'm sure you get what I'm saying" * *

Ok. Jumped the shark now. A joke. Really not funny given how so many women have to endure husband like this. Stop pretending your 16 year old doesn’t know how to press go on a washing machine.

A bit OT, and a separate issue from getting your menfolk to behave properly, but it does sound as if it might help your workload to use a slow cooker and batch cook. If the family desire is chicken curry for lunch every day, make it in bulk and freeze it! (I would also cheat by stirring different things in to different curries to make it taste as if they are totally different dishes, whereas in fact they are all the same basic curry plus ,,,,ummm, yoghurt, cream, coconut, curry leaves..... (Changing the colour of the curry would go a long way towards convincing your ungrateful family that they were getting a completely different dish).

I think it might help her workload if others got off their arses.

Just ridiculous. Your 16 year old and dh can make and clean up from snacks. Your 16 year old and dh can clean up from meals they don’t cook. Online shop for things so dh’s chore is of real vale. A 16 year old doesn’t need to be dropped off at school like a toddler. My teens got themselves by bus snd tube to school every day without help.

Defo! I know this isn't the main point of the thread but agreed and it would make life so much easier to batch cook. I mentioned upthread that there's a brilliant YouTuber named Shamsa and she does a lot of South Asian batch cooking. It's common to have a base 'gravy' to start with and then add a different protein/veg/starch. I would only support the batch cooking if they all did it together though!! The 16 year old can learn some knife skills 😀

I think a lot of British people don’t understand how much pressure there is in the Asian community from women as much as men! Your own mum, aunts, mil, even a lot of older sisters or cousins from the same generation will have these attitudes like you should be doing certain things because you’re a woman. And on top of that there is often equal pressure to be ambitious in the workplace. It is exhausting and needs to change! The more women have these conversations and insist on these boundaries the better it will be for everyone in the end!

Is your DS unable to make himself a sandwich for lunch or get a snack and drink???

The OP said her husband and son are Asian, she doesn't say she is.

And expectation or not, she can choose to stop raising a lazy son who thinks his parents' only purpose in life is to be at his beck and call.

It was definitely a slow burner lol.

My kids are 16 and 18 and i haven't made them breakfast or lunch for years!! They've been sorting their own since they were 11/12ish. If your 16 year old can't make a sandwich or stick some chicken goujons in the oven that's ridiculous!

Give hin the recipe and he can cook it.

It feels like the 1950s still that we have to nag and nudge them even though women have been working in jobs now and contributing to bills as well for almost a 100 years.....

I said no to this many many years before marriage and kids. It’s a common theme on here, and a common trap, for sure, but it’s absolutely not something you have to accept. There will have been years’ worth of opportunities before this week for you to enforce a fairer division of household labour.

In 25 years I have never done DH’s washing, ironing, bought cards or presents for his family (I don’t even have their phone numbers), allowed him to assume anything is my job.

In this house, if you don’t need to use genitals to do it, it’s anyone’s task. We are both capable adults with demanding jobs but the responsibility for the life we chose is absolutely shared.

It's like a regression. Me and my friends (aged late 60s) have never done this kind of molly coddling, and have functioning adult children.

DD is 15. She has made her own breakfast since she was about 7 and lunch since she was about 9? And since high school she makes at least 2 dinners for herself per week as well.

Why on earth can’t your 16 year old make any food?

Sounds like a hotel, all
these on tap meals and hot snacks!
Let the DH and teenager feed themselves, you’re creating too much for yourself to do.

Ok I’m gonna be blunt with you here , I have two teens one is 16 and sitting exams same as yours one is university but still living at home , they make their own breakfast and lunch when home when at school they make and take their own lunch they get their own snacks , they both have a laundry day in the house where they do their own laundry , they’re both in change of cleaning their own spaces also they’re not toddlers they’re young adults who need to learn to be grown adults , both my kids make dinner for the house once a week also each . Now I work and my husband works we take it in turns making dinner for the household on our days and lunch is the individual responsibility, I do the main washing like towels and bedding and every day clothes he washes his own work uniform separate (dirty job) I strip the bed and wash it he remakes it , we have a dog a family dog we all take turns picking up dog pooh . Honestly in a duel working household everything needs to be shared where you pick up one task more he picks up another more like I do 99% of the cleaning but he does all the bins every day and bits like that . It’s time for a reshape in your house so you don’t end up snapping over eggs , and make it known if you say no to eggs don’t come asking for some when I’ve finished cooking and also tell him to use his manners in future , you need to stop babying your son before you make him another person future problem .