To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

My 13 year old lad has cerebral palsy, is a wheelchair user and is autistic he can manage the microwave and hot water dispenser ( no kettle as his hand eye co ordination and strength is poor…..,,it may be a tin of beans with toast or soup or a pot noodle but he can feed himself ffs enjoy playing the martyr. Actually this can’t be real no one thinks a 16 year old can’t feed themselves

She did offer, and he said no. Then changed his mind later and she (not unreasonably) told him to bog off.

tell him if he wants Chicken curry he knows where the kitchen is and he can make it himself.

What do you do? You tell him to learn to bloody cook. It's a really basic life skills and all teens should know how to do so by the time they are, well, teens!

Brilliant! Credit to you for helping him to be independent like that. He can no doubt build and develop his culinary skills.

You’re not wrong in that your DH should be stepping up. But think about the behaviour you are modelling for your son. You are doing everything for him - maybe that’s where your DH got his idea from that mum/wife will do all of this. If your son wants a hot chocolate and you aren’t making one for yourself then he can make it. He can also be trusted/tasked to cook dinner once a week. It’s a good break from revision and a good learning exercise. Whoever has cooked dinner does not clear away or wash up.

Genuine question - are you winding us up?

@H3342 I think the genuine answer is yes.

Yikes I pity the woman that gets lumbered up with your son in future! That’s a divorce waiting to happen

My 7 year old makes herself basic things to eat if she’s hungry - toast, cream cheese sandwich, gets herself cereal or an apple

Must be. Are there teens who can't get their own lunch? We've got parents of teens with significant disabilities on here confirming that those young people make meals for themselves, never mind if you don't have those additional needs.

And now he has an excuse to sulk the day away with no chores being shared

He sounds like an overgrown toddler.....

In answer to this question @OneThingAfterTheOther yes my 16, 14 and 10 year old (all boys) make their own breakfast and lunches, and we don't do cereal, so usually some kind of cooked breakfast - scrambled eggs on toast, breakfast wrap, soup and a sandwich, pasta. They will all make for each other.

I found that when covid hit and I was WFH, and still am 6 years later, I was predominantly making 3 meals a day every day - ugh. So I started getting them to do their breakfasts, then it turned into lunches too.

They also clean their plates themselves, next step is getting them to wash the pans they use. My phrase I have used a lot with them, is my job as their parent is to make them fully functioning independent adults.

You really need to get your 16-year old to be cooking for himself, just so when he does move out he's not relying on other people and can actually feed himself. Good luck!

In isolation, I’m sure each thing does look minor, @bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox - but when all those little things add up, it only takes one more small thing to tip someone over the edge. The last straw for @OneThingAfterTheOther was her dh asking her to make him breakfast - especially as she had offered him some when she started cooking, and he’d said No, only to change his mind when the food was nearly ready.

@OneThingAfterTheOther - could you have a calm chat with your dh, and explain how much you more are doing at the moment, and what help you need from him. Apologise for snapping, but explain why it was the last straw.

And now he has an excuse to sulk the day away with no chores being shared

Seems there's a lot more going on than for once not making his breakfast!

This is what happens when relationships are reduced to utility and output - two people that love each other slowly falling out of love and harbouring resentment because someone didn't make lunch/load the dishwasher/take the bins out or whatever chore had been assigned to them to keep the balance of utility at precisely 50%.

Transactionality - the "what have you done for me lately?" and the classic "what do you bring to the table?" mindset - is the silent killer of emotional closeness. It's the killer of the "we".

Mutual support is not always 50-50, and some hills are not worth dying on.

Sounds like this was a last straw situation.
On the face of it making two lots of egg on toast takes no more time than making one so you could have just made it for him too.

BUT why on earth are you making meals for everyone every day? 4 meals a day? Why?
Your teen can get their own breakfast and lunch surely?

What do you think is going to happen in 2 or 3 years if he goes to university? He won't be able to put a washing on or feed himself.

Ah OP, it sounds like you've become entrenched in what you (culturally) see your expected role being as mum/wife and you sound really caring - although part of caring is preparing the teens to be independent and it seems like it's time for a change!

You've had a bit of a hard time from some on here but hopefully you're reading the practical and encouraging ideas of here to take forward. There's a lovely (hilarious) woman called Shamsa on YouTube (officiallyshamsa) who has 7 kids! She has done some fabulous meal prep videos, where all of the base prep (e.g. chopping onions, ginger, garlic - getting the curry base ready) is done in one bit go and then frozen down. Maybe you and DC (or all of you!) could spend a weekend day doing that together. It would be a good life skill for DC and it would mean that if you want a hot meal at lunch time, it's already largely been prepped in advance?

I agree with the airfryer as well - you can buy things like frozen seekh kebabs which can be bunged in there and then you just need the wrap and salad - that kind of thing. You can also buy frozen samosas for snacks, again just bung in the airfryer which DC can do themselves.

Hope you feel better today and definitely don't let the issue with your DH stew for too long. I would say sorry for snapping but also explain why - and agree to all sit down to discuss mealtimes moving forward.

Good luck xx

I don't think it was about the amount of effort, though?

you roll your eyes and tell him you are not his personal chef.

why the hell not?

er yes! My 11 year old makes her own lunch sometimes, and will sort own breakfast (usually weetabix/toast)

They also get their own drinks etc, of course I will offer hot drinks if I’m making one but DH and I hardly ever make eachother hot drinks when we’re both WFH

What am I reading?! I love to cook and do most of it but DH is very capable of making himself his lunch. As for making a 16 year old snacks that is ridiculous. Can I ask if you had a daughter would you do it?

My 6 year old is capable of sorting herself out with a snack if required.

Seems like you have fallen into a pattern of doing this and they now expect it all the time. It’s easy to do but time to stop it! It’s making you frustrated and not feel good about yourself.

On another note, lunch at your house sounds delicious so can I come? X

This!

then do it.