To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

I highly suspected you were of Indian heritage!

Stop doing this for your son - you are literally repeating and reinforcing the pattern that you dislike in your FIL!

Think of your future DIL!

Also - you really need to get some rest because you seem so sensitive about these things that can easily be solved by just not doing them.

Talk to your husband.
Carve out time for yourself so you can rest and relax.
Stop martyring yourself for a 16yo nearly adult male.

The FIL dynamic I understand is more culturally tricky but if he is India and you live in the UK then those would be infrequent interactions. Break the cycle in your own actual life. Said as an African oppressed by very similar cultural norms.

My nearly 14 year old and 12 year old makes their own breakfast and will make lunches on the weekend and holidays. Sometimes for all of us, sometimes just for themselves depending on what everyone is doing. They can do a salad, eggs, sandwich, open a tin of soup, cook bacon or sausages or do themselves pasta. They will occasionally bake or cook an evening meal following a recipe although the youngest will need one of us in the room so he can ask if he gets stuck. They have been making tea and coffee for the family for years.

so what if 90 year old gets upset? let him get upsset.

It's not supposed to be a competition as to who does more , who is more tired but time and time again this comes up on MN . Your husband asking you to make eggs shouldn't be a huge deal but being a bit nearly shouldnt result in sulking .
Everybody needs to grow up . And that includes your 16 year old . No point passing exams if he can't make a sandwich for lunch .

My ten year old makes his own lunch

So much burning martyr here...

Get a grip, woman.

Your DS is going to be sorely disappointed when he gets into a relationship if he expects this level of servitude.

Tell him it's GYO!

So he can make himself chicken curry or he can make himself a sandwich but don't do it for him. And yes to making sure he cleans up after himself as well.

My kids were packing their own lunches when they were at primary school!

A 16 year old should be capable of making this. My brother and I used to make whatever we wanted at that age. I remember cooking curries for my mum for when she finished work. I was never told or made to do it - I chose to.

I’ve got the 7 year old making her own toast, and if the stove wasn’t a bit temperamental she would be scrambling eggs too.

I don’t understand why you can’t teach (write down instructions and pop them on the wall?!) your son how to turn the washing machine on?

you’ve really painted yourself into a corner where you are maid to your son and husband. Take back control “you are cooking twice this week” “I’m doing the shop what ingredients do you need? Or will you stop via the supermarket on Tues & Thurs?” Then just don’t step in to fix it.

start your son cooking twice a week (along side you for now) with the aim that in 8 weeks from now you expect him to cook twice.

theb when your bloody FIL comes to visit take yourself upstairs for a lie down (or phone a friend ) and if FIL says anything you reply “oh in this house FIL we all take turns cooking and tonight it’s Husbands/Sons turn, so you’ll need to speak to him directly about that”

Do it then, what is stopping you?

YWNBU this morning re breakfast - you'd already asked him if he wanted some and he said no! You were ready to eat yours when he changed his mind - tough.
And for those saying it would only take a few minutes to do - HE could also have done it in a few minutes too!

Sulking is a very unattractive trait - hope he doesn't employ that control tactic often.

In your first post you said you and DC shared chores - it doesn't seem very equitable given what you have said in further posts.

Does he ever vacuum or do laundry?

Shopping - set up an online shop for the majority of your weekly needs.
DH can still stop off to look for bargains/extras if that's his thing, and they can always be frozen.

He needs to be doing more of everything, but especially the cooking.
Have set days when you are each responsible for dinner, 3 each per week, then cook together on Sunday.

And your DC needs to be doing more too. He can make himself a sandwich/ cheese on toast/ whatever for lunch. And breakfast too, unless you all have a cooked breakfast every day... and he could help with that too.

I would invest in an airfryer, makes hot snacks quick and easy, safer and cheaper than heating the whole oven.

In short, they are both treating you like a 1950s housewife and mum because you are letting them. It won't change unless you make it change.

Its usually DH saying lets give him hot chocs when we have coffee and then I end up doing it haha

More fool you.

Everyone eats what I cook or they sort themselves out.

Breakfast & the light meal of the day we sort ourselves unless someone offers to do it for everone.

My son’s 15 and has ADHD. Yesterday I had to remind him to have some lunch. A few minutes later he came out of the kitchen to ask if he could have some of the leftover pasta bake from the night before. I said yes and he microwaved it and presumably ate it. He did leave the lid of the container lying around but everything else must have ended up in the dishwasher!

In the absence of yummy leftovers he’ll make himself some sandwiches.

13yo DD cooks herself scrambled eggs most mornings and leaves the pan. She enjoys cooking and baking. She’ll sometimes make a
simple pasta for us and often bakes brownies.

You need to sit down and talk things through

I’m just staggered that you’re having to make every meal for a 16 year old. Can he not make himself breakfast and lunch at least? And walk to the car pool as it’s only a two minute drive away? Before which you ‘sorted DC ready to go.’

unless there’s going to be some mega drip feed about your son being seriously disabled, then this is bizarre. My kids all got themselves up, made breakfast, sorted themselves out and walked to the bus at younger than 16.

Teenagers, especially 16 year olds, should be making meals for themselves.

The OP doesn't have to do it.

She's also pretending she doesn't know most mid-teens will make their own lunch 🙄

Another one saying that your 15/16 year old should be fairly self sufficient from a food point of view, certainly snacks, breakfast and lunch.

There is no need to run round after him. Point him in the direction of the fridge/ cupboard. Teach him how to make a curry.

Mine could make a sandwich for themselves (without supervision) from about 8. And cook 'teas' for us all from about 12.

Ref the washing machine he could certainly put it in, and switch it in. mine could and did from about 10. They even copied out the washing machine load guidance and stuck it up near the machine. They knew how we grouped our washing and so long as it was a fairly full load they could add washing liquid, select the relevant program and click go. Oh and hanged the washing out after as well. Same for dishwasher loading/unloading, cleaning surfaces, hoovering etc.

You are raising a very entitled boy/man here.

Plus it's perhaps okay to be something og a slave when your fil visits but there is absolutely no need for your husband and son expect you to wait on them as well. They should be helping out.

Seems to me hat your DH has got DS somewhat trained to do the traditional stereotypical jobs that save him time/effort which shows that he can learn.

Once exams finish rather than lying about all day our DS could/should be picking up loads of 'your' jobs.

Sorry, he's 16 and (I think from your posts) without additional needs, and he has to have an adult start a wash for him?
Also, he wants curry for lunch, he can learn to make it himself.
'Its usually DH saying lets give him hot chocs when we have coffee and then I end up doing it haha' That's not funny. You are allowed to take this shit seriously.
What would happen if, next time your DH says, 'let's give him hot choc,' you say, 'OK, coffee for me though thanks' and go and sit down?
And I echo others: why the fuck is a 16-year-old being driven a few minutes to a car pool?
Your home life needs a serious overhaul. You are letting a man-baby and a spoilt boy order you about and run around after them. It needs to stop.

Thought I was the only one forcing child labour 😂 They could use the microwave (safely), sandwich maker and toaster as soon as they could reach them.

Knew how to put on the washing machine using the correct cycle by the time they started school @OneThingAfterTheOther . You have time to fix your son before he grows up to an entitled selfish man. Husband can learn with him.

Stop making food for your 16 yr old - if he's hungry let him go and make something himself. cook 4 meals a day? just no... that sounds mad. who eats 4 meals a day?

I don't work & I still don't wait on anyone.

YES!!! My DD12 makes breakfast and an easy dinner at weekends (pasta / stir fry / pizza with dough from scratch, fried rice, noodles - etc - )with a bit of help from DD8.

Your DS is 16. You have to sort this out quickly if he really can’t even make drinks and snacks or lunch for himself.

He will be a nightmare for any future DIL if this goes on much longer.

Is it that he actually can’t make them or is it that you swoop in and make them for him? If the latter, then you need to stop.

When already making a cooked breakfast it’s normal to offer it to anyone else as it’s really no extra work. Snacks, cold breakfasts and sandwich type lunches it’s help yourself from about 8 years old in my experience, who makes a regular snack for adults? Just grab something if you must but better still don’t, snacks are one of the main reasons why people put on weight, except in specific health situations you simply don’t need them.

First - sounds like you had enough - and snapped. Things happen. Youve had a shit week. I snap all the time at my husband because im tired or stressed, he gets it and we move on.

Second - why is your 16 year old so useless (for lack of a better word) my 9 year old makes their own breakfast and lunch (cheese sandwich etc) - unless there is a massive drip feed here...