To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

11 year old cooks REG-U-LAR-LY. When she’s in a good mood she brings us coffees to bed (she’s an early riser). Makes desserts and dinners weekly, nothing complicated but knows a variety of pasta / chicken dishes. Cooks eggs every morning and cleans after cooking. She shares load with 9 year old sibling.
Come on! We need to ask more from male humans!

Thanks to MN ...I survived today because I chose a simpler lunch and DS and I are more than happy with it

Mr 'Bread gets me bloaty' skipped lunch and worked through it....he could have done a salad with the spinach leaves, tomato, avacado, hummus and chilli, maybe just added in some steamed chickpea or boiled egg ....

I provide one meal a day. Everything else is help yourself and has been since DC were, maybe 10 years old. I make sure there is plenty of stuff available for them.

Ah hes now doing something with salmon and the airfryer for himself ....good.

Yes I can just about do one a day , five times a week not 7.....

and honestly, kids enjoy cooking and that they have made something the rest of the family likes. We started with easy child friendly cookbooks, then moved onto Roasting Tin series, but they both also really like Meera Sodha Indian recipes, many of which are beginner-friendly. As others said, your son might be moving out in just a couple of years, you (both parents) need to start preparing him for independent life.

DS did like baking cakes a lot in primary , I think DH sometimes unconsciously or subconsciously encourages him to do 'boys stuff' more.....

Gospel choir singing went the same way too.....

This is utter madness.

Does DH think that feeding yourself, doing your own laundry and cleaning up after yourself is 'girls stuff'?

I feel so tired all the time, have asked work to go down to 3.5 days a week from 5, we will struggle with money but it will be worth it

No, you tell the adult and almost adult to step up and pull their weight! You going part time so you can do more housework makes no sense.

You're tired because you're completely stressed out - you're trying to work full on and still be a wife/parent at the same time. During the work day, stop being a wife and mother! You really can't do both. Everyone has to fend for themselves until after work finishes. And sort your son out to be an independent man - you're raising someone else's potential husband...do you really think it is fair to unleash that kind of dependency onto another person in the future?!

Also, with your DH's father, that's you being a martyr and your DH should step in. Ridiculous. Just stop it. Who cares what other people expect. Just be clear on what you will and won't be doing and then everyone knows where they stand.

Oh we can have the thai green curry from Coop thats in the fridge we just need to jasmine rice to go with it'

So it’s not even that anyone has to cook? Just stab a curry and put it in the microwave for 5 mins? You can buy packets of jasmine rice if navigating boiling water is too tricky for this man-baby.

This weekend you should get him to batch cook a load of curries and put them in the freezer. You could even cook and freeze rice, or get frozen packets or the pouches. In 2-3 hours he could have curry 4 times a day at the time of his choosing and you could get some peace and quiet. Get DD cooking with his father too.

Thanks everyone. I know you're right

Going back to much more of easy to pull together by me or anyone in the home, Salads, soups and sandwiches, pasta type dishes. Curry can be only few dinners a week. Pre pandemic as was.

you're trying to work full on and still be a wife/parent at the same time

I’m not sure what “being a wife” in this circumstance involves. It surely shouldn’t be about skivvying?

I have figured out for myself that may be he is autistic as he would strongly say no I dont think that if you asked him, but my answer, yes he does but he is una ware of it

I try keeping dialogue simple these days, and the thread on here of those with ND partners has been useful

It might be worth getting checked out physically, since that level of exhaustion isn't typical. Though I agree with the PP that it's also entirely possible your exhaustion is due to stress and the emotional effort of dealing with your demanding and selfish DH. It may have nothing to do with the number of hours you work.

In my family, everyone is responsible for their own breakfast and lunch. We share the cooking for dinner, though recently my DH has been cooking far more than I have due to a change in work hours.

Why not institute a "fend for yourself" rule for breakfast and lunch? And share the cooking for your evening meal, including having your son cook once or twice a week.

Or he may just be a sexist pig.

it was fend for yourself till dinner in the 2019 and before years - during and after 2020, we moved to almost/ fully wfh in tech sectors - and DS used to get all his meals at daycare the first five and half years meanwhile - and was rarely asking for cooked from scratch meals voluntarily in primary years

Yes time for change

Yes there is that......

I find these family set ups utterly bizarre. You are a slave to your child but resent making your husband who works full time breakfast. Mine did their own breakfasts and lunches from age 12 and took over cooking 1 meal a week at 14. Durinf lockdown they made my breakfast and lunch because I was too busy! I didn't even ask - they just did it because it needed doing! They are both horrified how few friends could could a proper meal or wash their clothes. You are not doing your son any favours he needs to learn life skills and could make lunch for both his parents who are working as a thanks for your 'tutoring' in his exam subjects.

Your child is 16? I was thinking they must have been around 8. Stop doing all of that for them. You are bringing this on yourself.

Why on earth are you making this many meals for a bloody 16 year old. Does he not have hands. I only make dinner for mine. The rest he is more than capable of making himself. Your raising a boy who is going to have this sense of entitlement over his future wife. Terrible !!!

At 16, my kids were sorting out most of their own breakfasts and lunches. In fact probably quite a bit younger than that. When you’re raising a young person, you ideally want to teach them some skills to use in adulthood. You can’t just launch them off into the world at 18/21 without any prep. Making breakfast or lunch for oneself is a basic skill which most 16 year-olds can easily manage (recognising of course that this is different if they have learning difficulties, disabilities or neurodivergence which affect their executive functioning)

He said we will get so bloated from the bread, we are less bloaty on rice and dal and veg stir fy with it. Then he said Oh we can have the thai green curry from Coop thats in the fridge we just need to jasmine rice to go with it'

Tell him if bread affects him he will need to make something else for himself, that you don't have time to make two different meals.

anything specifically more than other parts?