To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

He doesn’t get to sulk like a child all day because his breakfast wasn’t made for him. Do not make his lunch.

Yes. My pre-teens are also in charge of one family dinner per week each. This week, DC1 did a lovely oven dish with roasted sweet potatoes and gnocci and DC2 did that viral TikTok carrot salad, grilled chicken and air fried peppers.

It feels like the 1950s still that we have to nag and nudge them

But don't raise your son to be the same then. He is more than capable of not only doing his own snacks or laundry, but also contributing to other general running of household.

I moved out at 17 and had my own house at 19. And DD knows it’s our job as parents to teach her how to support herself.

Nah, YABU... It's all self-inflicted. You don't "have to" cook for your husband. Or your teens. Or serve your in-laws.

You chose to do all of this, and then complain and create drama. I have no sympathy for this at all.

Preparing snacks and hot chocolate for your 16 to multiple times a day is utterly ridiculous. Looks like you're raising a giant baby!

Depends a bit at what stage you were at with making yourself the exact same thing... If you were nearly finished cooking then he's the unreasonable one. If you'd just started and could have just added a few more ingredients then you're unreasonable.
I cook dinner for the whole family but breakfast, lunch is down to the individual unless we are all having the same

You could try saying that you're not his servant and you're not running a restaurant? Let him know that his choices are to eat the same as you or make himself something...

Honestly, he's 16 and it sounds like you're running around after him more than I do with my 5 year old (at least he helps to make his own lunch most of the time).

You're not doing him any favours by making all his meals, teach him to be more self sufficient. He should be more than capable of cooking a simple meal at his age, give him a couple of cooking lessons and he can make himself a hot lunch if that's what he fancies.

In terms of your husband wanting eggs, I'd always offer if I was making myself something anyway. Since he initially said no, it would completely depend on whether I had time (and if he generally shared the load) as to whether I'd make him some 🤷‍♀️

Edited to add that making someone else a portion of the same food you are making shouldnt be a big deal. But. You offered and he said no. So i'd have been a bit narked about that too!

To answer your question about teen boys making their food - When mine were teens they made their own breakfast and lunch and if they didn't fancy what I was going to make for dinner they'd make their own too. And they had days it was their turn to cook for everyone.

They also bloody knew how the washing machine, dishwasher and hoover worked too! No way were me and my husband adding any more men into the wild who thought all that shit was women's work!

You said you'd need to make lunch now - So when your husband sulks he refuses to make food for his child, is that right?

This

Seriously?

You teach him how to make rice and curry.

And you set a day of the week it's his turn to make dinner.

this is the perfect time for him to start making his own lunches - he isn't revising all day every day and a break is good!

And how are you planning to break the 1950s cycle when you’re running around doing everything for your fully grown and able son?

DS helped with washing up a few times, and other small chores That’s nowhere near enough. I presume he’s heading off to uni? How’s he going to cope if he can’t cook, clean, operate a washing machine etc? And even if he studies locally, what’s going to happen when he meets someone he wants to live with? How many young women are going to agree to working full time and being chief cook and bottle washer, simply because he grew up watching his mum do it all?

I think mainly its just that DH helps with a meal or two every few days and he was just 'locking in' as the kids say to not do it this week Oh no mate, that’s not happening. It doesn’t matter if you have the biggest screaming match ever and don’t talk for a week. The jobs still need doing and meals still need cooking. And he is responsible for 50% of them, whether he’s sulking or not.

It feels like the 1950s still that we have to nag and nudge them even though women have been working in jobs now and contributing to bills as well for almost a 100 years..... You have the power to change all of that. If he isn’t doing it willingly now, then he’s not going to tell you, but you can change every single bit of this. You tell him that you might accept being treated like a skivvy from his father, because you don’t want to tell a 90 yr old to sod right off, but you will not accept it from him; the man who is supposed to love and respect you. You tell him that he is currently being an absolutely crap husband and it’s just not good enough. So he either starts pulling his weight and does his full share, (and does it properly, with no weaponised incompetence) or you’ll start thinking of him as the child he’s currently behaving like and that will be your marriage over and done with. And than he’ll be doing 100% of his housework. Ask him if he wants a wife who loves and respects him? Or a wife who thinks he’s pathetic and incompetent?

My DC are 16 and 19, I rarely do any meals for anyone else except our evening meal, and havent for years.

DD is at uni half the time, so just DS but everyone eats breakfast at different times, so we sort ourselves out.

If DH or I do a cooked breakfast at the weekend we offer if anyone else wants it but otherwise its help yourself. Same if im making a pack lunch I might offer to make one for DS but generally he makes his own.

Neither of us wfh very regularly.(DH almost never, me once or twice a fortnight, at the most) im going to try and organise some days at home during GCSEs, but thats mainly to give DS a chance to debrief , and possibly give him a lift if he has multiple exams on one day.

DC have been making their own meals and snacks in school holidays since they were 11 or 12, because we weren't at home. My most frequent whatsapp from DS is "how long should i heat this for!" (Neither like sandwiches or cold lunches so this would usually be pasta, leftovers, jacket potatoes, pizza, beige freezer food etc)

Its definitely not unreasonable for either your DS or DH to make their own food.

The fact you'd offered him breakfast before you made yours is very relevant. No you are not unreasonable to snap at him in those circumstances. He shouldn't just be making lunch today, he should be doing an equal amount of cooking. If you've done the past 4 days, he can do everything this weekend.

@OneThingAfterTheOther Your 16 year old should be making his own breakfast ( when he's not eating at the same time as you and DH), his own mid morning snack, and making sandwiches, soup or whatever for lunch. Can't believe you are still doing all that for him. If he can't do these things, he needs to learn pronto!

Honestly, you are not doing him any favours not preparing him for independence, if he can't do those things? If he can do them - then make sure he just does them himself.

YANBU to be irritated at your husband though for saying no he didn't want any toast and eggs and then changing his mind, when you had finished cooking yours and was just about to serve it up. If you don't usually snap at him, it won't have done him any harm to see how irritated you were!

His housemates at Uni are going to hate him so much.

You can not be serious!

Yes which is why I said it needs to change and that the more women that insist on this the better it will be for everyone. What kind of grown man needs to ask his wife to make breakfast (or thinks it’s ok to ask this as she is just about to sit down with her own after previously saying he didn’t want any)? And that’s where the DS is currently headed unless things change. No good for him or a future partner, or the OP or her H.

Wow, he has you wrapped around his little finger! Do your future DIL a favour and sort this out now. He's not a baby

Sadly no.....

OP, listen to yourself now. What do you do?

If I had kindly made my son (lot younger than yours) a sandwich and instead of being thankful, he whined that lunch is not up to his standards...I mean I can't even immediately tell you what would happen, but it would not be pleasant for him. What disrespect and ungratefulness.

Okay so at 11ish , DH was recovered from sulk and conversing again, I said 'for lunch today no cooking work, 'we' shall sort sandwiches made of avacado, spinach leaves, hummus, green chilli, and tomato' 5 mins and sorted.

He said we will get so bloated from the bread, we are less bloaty on rice and dal and veg stir fy with it. Then he said Oh we can have the thai green curry from Coop thats in the fridge we just need to jasmine rice to go with it'

I then got into calls all the way till 1pm - DS came home at 12 after the morning exam - he was in his room till my call was done - H did neither sandwich nor warming up the thai ready to eat and steaming rice , nada - I made myself and DS the aforementioned sandwich and brought mine back to my desk to eat.

Takeout for dinner tonight, peri peri chicken ..... I feel so tired all the time, have asked work to go down to 3.5 days a week from 5, we will struggle with money but it will be worth it

That sounds amazing

I'd say you are the architect of your own demise!