to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

Yes, the lying is not the main issue. The main issue is you don't want to take care of 2 under 3, 3 days a week.
Perfectly reasonable.

Bloody hell!!!!! The fact that he was so brazen as to talk about what a lovely time he was having and didn't see anything wrong with it!! Some people are so entitled, it beggars belief!

Sounds like you need a holiday. Perhaps book one for a month's time and give them notice that afterwards you will be stopping or reducing childcare.
You may want to think about long term if you would be happy doing after school pick ups if the youngest was in private nursery.

what on earth are you on about?!

The OP already does 3 days per week and you think it’s sad she won’t do more? They lied to her. She’s fed up and wants freedom in her retirement.

Clearly you do this to your own mum (and I bet it is just mum).

That's not an explanation for deceiving you though is it?

@Ihaveneedofwaternear

TBF, I don't think they were being entitled - just a bit thoughtless. It was ten years ago and it's never happened since, even though I have done plenty of childcare.

I think I'd offer to do occasional childcare when they want some time as a couple only. Say once a month, possibly an evening when kids are in bed as it's easier?

That way they should appreciate you and it sends a message that you understsnd they need some alone time.

I had three under the age of six which was my choice. Your grandchildren are very young. You gave up work to help your daughter, give her an easier life, give your grandchildren a close relationship with their grannie.

I think what your daughter has done is morally reprehensible - let's not give it a cute word like cheeky. I don't think it is a small thing at all, I think she should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. I cannot fathom how she could kick back, relax and enjoy herself knowing that at as she was sipping her wine or coffee in any given moment you could be changing a nappy, stopping the other one from stuffing something down the loo .. answering the door .. maybe having a tired/off day yourself and knowing that you weren't going to get a break for hours and hours.

The things people convince themselves are okay never ceases to amaze me. I think if you don't withdraw you might find yourself feeling bitter.

They are absolute pisstakers. As you've already said - it's not wanting or even having time together, it's the fact they decided to bullshit you about it. I don't really understand why they did that.

You are being very generous looking after the grandkids for three days a week and they clearly don't appreciate how lucky they are.

But does OP WANT to only see her grandkids once a month when theyre already asleep so they dont even know she's there? She currently sees them 12 full days. There's a huge amount of options in between.

Bollox.
If they thought she wouldn't mind they wouldn't have turned up in work clothes.
Devious.

They are straight up scammers. Book a 6 week cruise and say you are unavailable.

Maybe drop a day at least. Sounds like it's too much.

It's not unreasonable for them to want time together apart from the kids, that kept us sane when DDs were small. However, they should not be dishonest about it and pretend they are working.

And three days a week is a lot. My in laws did 1 day a week regularly and my parents helped with the school run sometimes when DDs were older, and both did some babysitting (sometimes for a weekend or long weekend), and that was wonderful, but I wouldn't have asked any more of them.

I think you could frame it as

'Actually this has come about at a good time because I have been thinking about cutting down my days. I'm happy to have the kids so that you can get some child free time now and again so don't be afraid to ask. As of X date, I can only have them regularly on 1 day a week. Which day would suit you best?'

We don’t know that though. It’s just an assumption. They might have had work in the morning, they might have been photos from a different day. All OP knows is her friend showed her a SM post. I think before kicking off she needs to accommodate that.

Regardless.... they dropped their kids off for childcare for WORK purposes then fucked off out on a jolly.
Disgusting entitled behaviour and quite rightly were called out on it.
They apologised so clearly knew they were in the wrong.
.

2 children under 3 is tough, I had 2 16 months apart so was in a similar position but I switched to eve/night work so that we did all the childcare ourselves, it did mean my DH and I were ships passing, I would have loved someone to help out occasionally but I certainly wouldn’t have pretended to go to work and then go for lunch…
You’ve been taken advantage of and lied to by omission and it’s out of order.
If you’re finding it too much (and not many Grandparents would watch two children of that age weekly) I think you need to be honest, put a date on when you will no longer be able to help with routine childcare so they can organise something else.
Offering to hep so they could continue working/save on childcare is totally different to watching them occasionally so parents can have a break, they should have been thanking their lucky stars for the help, not lying to get more time together….
I can’t believe they dressed in work clothes to specifically make it look like they were going to work 🙈

They've taken the absolute piss and you don't owe them any tiptoeing around it. Fuck that. If they decided when you already had the kids and asked if you minded, that would be he decent thing to do. Pretending they're working though is deliberate and dick behaviour.

Not sure I understand whether you are helping out a few times a month or 3 days a week, but either way I think if you are retired you are entitled to say no.

I, personally would have withdrawn all childcare (with a months’s notice) as a result of their dishonesty. Would have been happy to see DGCs on my terms for tea, once a week, but no unpaid childcare going forward. Sounds harsh, I know, but lying/deceit is a hard line in the sand for me when it comes to my children, and they know this. It eviscerates all trust.

That's a lot of annual leave for them both to take together. What happens when one of kids gets ill? I suppose they'd expect you to look after it then too?

They made a conscious decision to deceive you on more than one occasion. I would feel incredibly hurt. Don't feel guilty about reducing or stopping the 3 days, it sounds as if you have had enough.

It IS cheeky of them to do it this way, but maybe instead of withdrawing the childcare you’re doing, you could have a chat with them about how they are coping, and getting time together, and also about how you are coping and what you can handle and can’t - they get opportunities to have time together when both WFH over lunchtime. Yes it is getting that time together but how much can I facilitate for them?

You shouldn't have to, OP, and they can ask you directly if they need that support. You already do more than enough for them.

or no days a week. Because that's what she really wants to do.

It is really not compulsory to have children. Don't have them if you can't handle then without grandparent care. I say this as someone who used paid childcare, and also had my children 5 years apart for that very reason.