to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

OP are you saying that you don't want to do any regular childcare at all?

(It's fine if you are)

Yes I didn’t say it was her responsibility, keeping their marriage going is their responsibility of course although arguably, if they break up or struggle everyone is going to have a worse time of it, most of all the OP’s grandkids.

One of the reasons having little kids is very tough these days is the absence of a “village.” I can see this shift in my own family - we get no regular help with our kids from either set of grandparents, although they are great at taking them on occasional days out etc, and our kids don’t have cousins (declining birthrate etc) so if we want help it’s down to us to pay for it, or sort play dates with families that live further away etc. Whereas my partner was regularly with grandparents and at cousins’s houses growing up which meant her parents found it easier to work, and I was minded by a neighbour one day a week and used to play with similar aged kids on our road - this doesn’t seem to happen nowadays. I guess the OP is finding it hard being the only “villager” helping out.

I agreed they were cheeky in the way they did this. I just suggested that rather than withdrawing childcare, they have a conversation that included the OP talking about what she wanted and could handle.

Honestly theyve massively taken advantage of you and deceived you.

I'd totally pull back on child care. No more.

The key here is that if you were enjoying having the children then you would not bat and eyelid at them doing this. You are not and resentment is starting to build – first with this, and you can bet there will be other things too – and that's a really negative place for you to be in.

It's OK to not enjoy it. Give them notice so they can make other arrangements and offer childcare on your terms.

If you don't want to do any more regular childcare, give them notice that you will stop on x date (giving them long enough to organise alternative care).

You don't have to give an explanation, but might want to say it's just too much for you now.

They already know you're upset about the lying, so you don't need to reference it again, and it doesn't sound like that's what most affected your decision anyway.

Good luck OP, you deserve a happy retirement doing things you want to do!

You may want to proceed carefully here. A big backlash on your part will probably lead to one on theirs. And before you know it they will be claiming you bankrupted them by withdrawing the care you offered and you will never see your grandchildren and they will go no contact.

I would say to them that you understand that it is hard work looking after 2 under 3's and why they want time off but it has made you think about what you are doingand that it is too much for you as well.

I would start by suggesting that you only look after one of them at a time and you want the same amount of holidays as they have (ie 5 weeks a year).

At least the massive financial and logistical shock of kids at nursery and yours might not completely floor them then. I would then leave it a bit then claim getting older and cut down to 2 days and so on to fading out completely.

Cheeky disrespectful fuckers. I’d be so pissed off at the lying. You’ve given up your job for them! I’d be going back to work.

Hrmm, I don’t know. Eating a sandwich together at the same time occasionally in between working, is not really enough to sustain a relationship. I think it’s fair enough for them to want to spend some quality time with each other / to have a bit of fun and time off, occasionally - parenting little kids is a grind, and yes you do sign up for it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr to it and that you are somehow cheating, if you need the occasional afternoon off.

That said you’re right it’s not up to you to facilitate this.

Right now you sound upset though (rightly, the deception is not on) and if you do something like withdrawing all childcare in anger and in retaliation, you will probably cause hurt feelings for them and your grandkids and in the end for you too. They have behaved badly, it’s up to you now to chose how you want to respond.

I would suggest It’s probably better to have a conversation, where you explain you’re feeling a bit taken advantage of and are upset about the lying, but acknowledge that raising kids is hard and they aren’t in the wrong to want to spend the occasional bit of time together. Then talk about arrangements going forward and come to an agreement where you are offering whatever help you are happy with. If that is less than you are offering now, that is fine.

What do you actually want the outcome to be?

If they both work they would get 30 hours of free childcare per child a month! If both are over two years old finding a nursery would be pretty easy. Time for a change I think!

Oh here's the no contact threat, as I predicted! 😁 Know your place, older women, or else!
Older men, of course, can play golf when they retire with nobody threatening them with no contact.

I genuinely don't see the issue. You agreed to care for the kids 3 days a week. Once a month, they use annual leave to take a half day off together. Lots of people do the same when their kids are in childcare, it's the only time they have together.

If you don't want to care for the kids, don't do it. But this particular complaint sounds very petty.

OP is providing childcare so that they can go to work. If they are not going to work they don't need childcare. She is not providing childcare for them to take time off work. That was not the arrangement. They have also lied to her by pretending they were going to work so they know it was wrong and tried to conceal it.

Hand in your notice. Tell them they have a month to sort out other childcare. Suns coming out. Retirement is not for looking after toddlers. I am only 58 and minding small kids is done as a favour, and I need a lie down and a drink after.

Say so!
I childmind once a week for 12 hours. When my DIL changed her job she asked if I was up to a second day. Her mother is ten years younger and works still, and cares for her elderly in-laws besides taking one day childminding too. She agrees with me toddlers are exhausting!

I had to say no, but I was willing to do the odd extra day occasionally or half a day or nursery pick up. They always ask if I’m okay with them taking a break themselves, they would Never be so deceitful as to pretend to be at work.
Next week grandson is staying over and I’m dropping him off at his other grandmother, so they can go on a ghost walk. This is forward planning.

You seriously realise you need down time and you need holiday breaks the same as everyone. Time to say something.

The dishonesty was bad yes, but, if I'm reading your messages correctly, if they had asked you to have the DC so that they could have some time together, you would have said no? Which of course, is your right, but I wonder if that is why they decided to lie?

To be clear, I'm not justifying it. I agree with yo - if you get free childcare for you to work, if you want additional free childcare for some other reason you ask and you should only use that childcare for work, not having fun - but I'm just wondering if that's their reasoning?

They're saving a fortune with you doing free childcare so it does seem ridiculous and I don't blame you for being annoyed.

My partner and I occasionally used to both take a day off work, and have what we called a pretend mini break, we’d get a nice lunch, go and see a matinee or go to a gallery, then get the kids from nursery. It was our only chance for any time as a couple, and doing it in the evenings was unviable as babysitting costs ££££ and our kids wake up at 6 so we were always exhausted and in bed by 9:30.

That's great. The kids were in nursery, for which you or the government was paying. You can do what the hell you want in that time. If you want to go swinging for the day, go for it.

What you don't do is deceive someone who is taking care of your kids for free (and finding it quite a struggle) so that you get that time. Your situation and this are completely different.

You are in the minority then.

Op where is there respect for you how old are you if you don’t mind me asking I think the fact is they were not honest with you. They should have been honest with you and said we are off work and plan to go out are you ok with that but to be dishonest then put it all over social media knowing you won’t see it is fucking rude tbh.

Lol anyone who prevents kids having a relationship with grandparents for that reason is a bit of a twat in general frankly and not worth bothering with. Anyone dishing out that kind of blackmail would be yeeted from my life faster than they can say 'can we have permission to breed mother'

op might have agreed with the arrangement in the first instance doesn’t mean she has to keep doing. Yes people take annual leave when kids are in school or nursery but these kids are with grandparents so it’s not the same thing is it. Her dd should show her dm more respect. Why didn’t she tell her dm then?

It's not that they've done it, it's that they've done it multiple times and lied about it. Did OPs daughter ever say "ooh we had a lovely lunch today". Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like they kept it all quiet on purpose. Whatever the reasons, it's so rude to do that to your own mam who is saving you a fortune and using a lot of her own time and energy to provide a generous amount of childcare.

These kind of days for couples can be very much needed. Knowing what it's like to work a lot with young kids I wouldn't begrudge these days to my DD. It's an investment in the partnership and will benefit the family overall. However when my kids were very little I only felt justified in asking my parents to help when I was working. And they should have been honest with you to ask if you minded.

How much are they paying you for childcare @zeezay? Are they paying you at all?

Yeah you can take that stance and say they are fuckers for doing it and using the GC in that way, and you’d be happy to cut the kids off, but the result is you are also making the decision as part of that to not see your (presumably loved) grandkids

So often on mumsnet I am reminded that there are many people who would much rather be right than happy.

They might be needed, but no one is entitled to them. It's so nice if family or friends help out, but once you have kids they are your responsibility all day, every day. Lots of people never get a break, or never get time as a couple for years. It's not ok to deceive your own mam because you want a break. Not just once, but lots of times.

Sorry to keep posting on this thread, but I'm so annoyed on the OPs behalf!