to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

It is not a rare day off though. It has been 1-2 days off a month for the past year - didn't go back any further. How is it petty?

The husbands father is having a lovely retirement and does no childcare.

Wait, they’re not even paying you for this and you gave up work to do it??

So you have told them no more @zeezay

I'm thinking through what to do. Reading the responses has been helpful.

Awful op the cheeky mayors!! Im not sure what I would do. I would feel so hurt/used though.

I think you are in a position to say you're hurt by the deceit and feel taken advantage of, then stop. Be a grandparent, see the children when they visit with their parents, enjoy the time together, but on your terms.

Sounds like they’re about to find out the hard way how much your help was a value to them. One which they shouldn’t have taken the piss out of! Turning up in work clothing to me would’ve been the nail in the coffin that’s full on deceit right there!!

Why did you retire to help them, were you close to retiring anyway?

I retired to help them otherwise I would have stayed working for a few more years.

I have two young children and my parents help out once in a blue moon if it’s an emergency. We pay for all our childcare. The thought of someone willingly doing 3 days a week and then being taken advantage of like this is really shocking to me. They are absolutely taking the piss!

That’s really awful. I have no idea what to say to you. To think you’ve retired to cover childcare for them and then they deceive you. That’s really nasty.

I am afraid I don’t have any suggestions on what to do next as if you say you can now only have the grandchildren once or twice a week instead of three days as you feel used I assume it will get blown out of proportion and then you won’t see the grandchildren anymore.

it sounds awful but you would have been better off not knowing. If it was me the being lied to would be the upsetting part as I absolutely hate lies of any sort as there’s never any need.

when are you going to start enjoying your retirement?

I'm in two minds. Slightly.

How is their marriage? Are they struggling. I know, I know, young children means you don't get much time together but they still have a marriage to maintain and they might be struggling to hold it together a few hours doing something for themselves might be the glue. I'm going to admit I have done this before. My mother in law used to have my child whilst I worked ( full disclosure we did financially compensate though ) but we did go for dinner a few times and I was burnt out from work so I took a day every so often for me.

Absolutely they are in the wrong for treating you this way though.

And the fact they are putting it on social is just stupid.

Well that was silly, wasn't it? What a terrible financial decision on your part. At some point you need take control of your own life and do what you actually want.

No wonder you feel so resentful.

OP, you sound like you have been incredibly generous and have been taken advantage of. I am a solo parent and have a very young son with disabilities, I work full time and my parents assist with childcare for work hours when he is not at nursery and sometimes socially too, as his dad is very unreliable and spends a lot of time abroad. I am SO grateful to them for all the help they give me and for allowing me to go out occasionally to enjoy myself too. I completely understand that my child is my responsibility and they are being so sweet and generous. I cannot imagine how hurt you must feel, it really is deception and I can’t help but feel that if they’d asked, you’d have probably said yes anyway! But to do this is very deceitful and a huge betrayal of trust. I’m not surprised you are feeling hurt. Sorry this has happened.

So you have taken a financial hit so they don't need to. I would suggest that you agree a schedule of time off for yourself which suits you, whether that's one day a week or one week off every month. Their annual leave should be used to give you a break.

1 or 2 days a month?
Oh my goodness.
Absolutely unbelievable.

Like I said, you are in the minority with your views.

@zeezay If I was you I'd offer one day plus emergencies. Its time for you to enjoy being off the clock. They're treating you like a co-parent. I do regular child care but nowhere near as much as you. The deception here is jaw dropping.

I'm in the minority thinking them taking a day off for themselves here and there is no big deal. And it wouldn't be a big deal if you were actually happy to do the childcare.

Most people here agree you are being overly generous.

What do you want? You want us all to tell you your DD and her DH are selfish, cheeky bastards, and you are a hero? You want a medal? You have been kind but you have over stretched yourself and that's on you. You have made decisions you now regret. If a woman told me she retired early to care for grandchildren, I would assume she is happy and able to do it, why the fuck would you do it otherwise?!

Why are you being so horrible to the op are you her dd?.. she has every right to change her mind or post on here for advice not everyone agrees with all posts but at the end of the day there all just opinions this is op real life. There is no need to be nasty to her for her feelings.

Re 30 hours this is only the case if they want term time only care - if they need year round care, the 30 hours have to be stretched across the year so op is right, it doesn’t work out at 30 hours free. For my 3 year old, it works out at around 21 hours per week.

However regardless of all this, OP, they are unreasonable. My own mum does 1 day for me per week and I could never do this without speaking to her first. Generally, if we have leave on a day she would normally have our child, he is with us by default and she has a day off.

Exactly this you appreciate the help but you also acknowledge your leave is for you to take care of dc. I wish a lot more people were like you older grand parents who have done the childcare first time around should not be forced into doing it again.

I'm not being nasty, quite the opposite! I totally agree 3 days is too much, I wouldn't do it. And I'm encouraging the OP to find her voice and put a stop to it. But I find it strange to agree to it, make yourself financially worse off, and then begrudge it just because they've used a day here and there as days off.

If she wants a break, she needs to stand up for herself.