to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

i think paying for childcare and using the chold free time however you please is not the same as asking a relative to help look after your children as a favour without payment for 3 days per week whilst you work and then pretending to be working and using the time as free time to socialise without saying so is not the same thing.
Agree its about trust.
I would resent being taken the piss out of too.

Do you want to continue with the three days a week?
you could say you’ll only do two and hopefully your daughter realised she’s taken advantage of you and that you’ve felt lied to and taken advantage of. If you’re tired but also enjoying this bonding time with the children, keep doing it. They grow up so fast. I did a lot with my grandchildren and now they’re older and don’t need me I sometimes long for the days when they were little.

I agree. You don't have to blow things up by mentioning their lunches out - just explain that it's a bit much for you now, you're going to step down, give them a month or so notice, and that you'd love to help out with babysitting, having fun at weekends, giving them some time together on their own without the kids now and then. Any normal person will totally understand, be grateful for all the money they've saved over the years with your free childcare, and be happy for their kids to spend time with you on a different basis going forwards.

And DON'T listen to anyone who says this will affect your relationship with the kids. That is just nonsense and I'm sick of reading it spouted out on here. You can have a wonderful relationship with your grandchildren even if you only see them every few months (or less even).

Definitely sounds like they are taking advantage of you

Why would you loose your relationship with your grandchildren. She can still help out or just visit them. If I was the OP I would be raging. I have 2 primary school kids and I remember the toddler stage, it's hard work in your 30s never mind in your 60s. They are definitely taking advantage. It's understandable to want some date time. It would be reasonable to ask if can they have a couple of hours of free time to go for a coffee/lunch etc. It's unreasonable to have her looking after their kids for 8 plus hours while they sneak off and do their own thing and lie about it.

@nixon1976 Yes, I agree that @zeezay can keep it simple (not mention days out) and just say that she needs to cut down on childcare. @zeezay give them a definite date that you'll be changing your current schedule so that they know that you're serious.

Very much in the "they are taking the piss" camp.
Even before you found out about the days out when they were meant to be working.

2 kids 3 days a week is far too much to ask for or accept from someone week in week out.

So if she's exhausted, she needs to put on her big girl pants and tell them it's too much for her and they need to put their kids in nursery. I think OP is being petty about a once month thing.

The cheeky, cheeky fuckers!!! 2 kids under 3 as well is not a light day is it?? Tell them to find a nursery or some other mug, Jesus!
My friend looks after her 9 month old DGD 3 days a week while her daughter puts her in nursery for 2 days. One of these nursery days is her daughters day off so she has a childfree day. WTF!!! How about my friend having a childfree day!!??

It's not just OP's time. She retired - and therefore lost money - so that the parents could go out and earn money. Not so that they could have days out.

Its too much!!!! Its like working part time plus all the money you spend of food etc

We waited until my older son got the 30 “free” hours at 3 before we tried for another baby. I know it’s changed to 9 month olds now. Couldn’t afford both in full price childcare and wouldn’t expect grandparents to do the work. They’re cheeky fuckers. It was their choice to have 2 so close together.

If your friend dropped to offering two days the parents would have to decide whether to pay for an extra nursery day, or the mum use her day off to look after her baby all by herself! 😱 The horror!

What an absolute piss take! If my DD and SIL did that I would give them their marching orders.

Fine if they are upfront when they ask but their dishonesty isn't acceptable.

I am guessing they don't actually pay you?

It just gets worse.
You are being used and your daughter and husband and he can't ask his father to help at all.

This is one of those situations where we really teach people how to treat us.
Shockingly poor behaviour.

They are taking the piss and doesn't sound like they are appreciating you. Time to put your foot down and think of you now.

The DGC's parents have already admitted to what they did, and apologised. So I don't know why you and other posters are suggesting that OP is working on an assumption and might be mistaken

It might not be, but that's not your problem! They chose to have children and it's their responsibility to pay for childcare beyond the free hours. You have saved them many thousands of pounds, so they'd have absolutely no right to whinge about the free hours not being enough.

I'd suggest to them you need to cut back childcare hours as you are struggling and very tired.
It maybe that they need childcare once a week or so but that's hardly anything if you weren't taking the slack. Make sure you are having time to enjoy your retirement too. Obviously give them plenty of time to organise this. Surely they will understand, if they don't , that says more about them than you as they are obviously not asking your needs/ health into consideration whichbis extremely selfish.

But if you feel you nolonger want to continue childcare I wouldn't blame you. Maybe give them 3 months notice if so as good childcare takes time to acquire.

I can see why you’re upset. I’m sure you don’t begrudge them having some time together now and then but with it’s done in a deceptive way of dressing up for work but not actually going, I imagine it feels like you’re being taken advantage of. If they’d been up front with things, you might feel different. I don’t think they meant ill but likely realised they’d be pushing it to ask even more of you. I get that it’s hard for them and childcare is expensive but most people have to bear it and cut back on things etc. My mum helped me for about 6 months when I transitioned back to work when our DD was 10 months. I absolutely wouldn’t have expected her to do more. You’ve given a lot of time and care but if you prefer not to continue that sounds fair enough to me. I think the thing to consider is how to frame it. I don’t know how they are generally but I hope they won’t hold it over you that if you don’t help, they won’t let you see the GC or something. Best wishes.

I think you’ve massively blown this out of proportion. You agreed to have them 3 days a week and once a month they have a day together and now you’re planning to stop childcare all together? I think you’re looking for an out here. 3 days childcare is a lot but I wouldn’t have begrudged them this time. Cut it down to less days if you can’t cope but saying you feel taken advantage off because they’ve had a rare day off together is petty. There’s a wider issue here

Sorry this happened OP that's really cheeky of them. They should have just asked if you'd mind them having a day together. I'm not surprised they don't get much time together with two young children. What did they think? Sorry but they are taking advantage.

@ToddlerMumAddictedtoCoffeeethe op agreed to do the childcare so they could go out and earn money (they have quite possibly stated they can’t afford childcare costs) then the op finds out she is providing childcare so they can go out and spend money.

Op I think it’s pretty poor of them. The deception is the worst part.

re the 30 hours of free childcare it is free - I’ve used it with all of my kids.
if they send the kids to nursery for 30 hours a week then that leaves 1 day. It’s up to you if you say you will do the 1 day.

if you withdraw the childcare bear in mind they will probably be annoyed with you and not interact with you as much and also you may have less to do with the grand kids.

basically their childcare is not your problem to solve. Do they pay you?

No they don't pay me. They have bought toys etc that the DC like to play with and food.