to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

I'm guessing you are worrying that if you put your foot down they will sulk & no longer let you see the GC as punishment.

Which wouldn't be at all surprising in two people who think it is okay to lie on this scale. They are absolutely appalling.

So you've spent years raising your own children and now they expect you to spend even more years raising theirs?
Sod that.
And i speak as someone who's not had a moment's babysitting from either of my parents.
Pitching in occassionally if you're able, fantastic. But becoming the default carer when you've already done your 'time'.....nope. They're taking the piss.

Maybe this is what you need to go back to them with.

You lied and took advantage of me which was unacceptable. You knew it was wrong and taking the piss because you literally dressed up like you were going to work do deceive me. How upset and angry I am over this has really shown me how burnt out I am with the current arrangement and it's taken a lot more out of me than I realised when I made the offer. I need to scale this back so I don't keep feeling burnt out and resentful. I'll give you a couple of months to find a new arrangement but I need to scale it back to 1/2 days a week (whatever you want to do, not looking at it as helping them out but as spending time with the kids). If you're feeling generous say you'll do an evening or two a month or whatever for them to plan a date night or whatever as scaling back the childcare gives you some breathing room to provide them with the opportunity to have some time together that they seem to want.

Yes she has. But others are saying oh they need to use their free hours. Stretched out, the free hours cover 2 days a week. So if they both work full time, they may even have used all the free hours on the 2 days OP isn't looking after them.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs That's possible, but I don't have much sympathy tbh! Many parents don't have any childcare from grandparents so if you're lucky enough to have it, don't sneak around pretending to go to work when you're actually having a day out. I think it's time they started paying for childcare so they realize what the OP has been doing for them all this time.

I am retired and sometimes look after my DGC and actually find it exhausting.
I would find 3 full days probably beyond me, but if I were you, would agree to an evening when the DC are likely to be in bed, so they could have a date evning together.

I think the OP should say she can't help out for a week in May because she's going on holiday
Then just stay at home and post some FB pics of you pottering in the garden planting up pots
When they say... hang on, you said you were on holiday, just say... no different to you saying you're at work when you are off on days out!

@simpsonthecat Oh, that would be slightly evil, but amusing. 😈

Can you tell them that you are very hurt, and are going to take a couple of weeks off, before deciding what childcare you are able to provide going forward? Not only will that give you a bit of time to have a rest and a proper think about what to do, it will let you see how your DD and ger DH react to you, and what they are willing to change going forward.

Yes - he gets away with twice!

Oof it’s the deception that would absolutely infuriate me! Total CF behaviour and abusing your trust to boot. Wearing business clothes? No, no, no! I’m afraid I’d definitely reduce my commitment and take some time back for myself. Looking after 2 little ones is tough, as you already knew because you’d done it before! I’m afraid it’s their turn (and their own children) and they’ll have to suck that up now.

I am a similar age to you and do ad hoc babysitting. I would really find 3 days childcare exhausting - if not boring. All these people who are 'so shocked' that you don't want to look after your grandchildren make me laugh. When you are a grandmother you don't have the same social network that mums have when you can get together with friends and chat while the children play. It is full on and often lonely. It is time to start thinking about what you want.

@redjeans28 no, I'm not of the same ilk. My parents have never been asked to do any childcare, not even when I've been in hospital, I prefer to pay for it as I know my mum would be overwhelmed and I also much prefer the convenience.

I just don't understand the outrage at minding the grandkids at a time she was minding them anyway. She's not doing anything extra, she is having them at a time agreed already. Which to me suggests that she's fed up. Which is totally ok. If she is so hateful at a young couple for taking an afternoon together then she needs to admit she isn't actually capable or happy of doing this much childcare in the first place. She's going to sour the relationship with this kind of resentment.

People saying “you were looking after them anyway” are really missing the point!

She wasn’t doing it “anyway” - she was doing it as a favour to allow them to work. There’s no “anyway” about it.

They are the parents and so the default. She is not the parent and so not the default. They should have used their annual leave to give the OP some time off the kids, or at least mostly done that, with maybe asking the OP if she didn’t mind them having the odd day together. Plus summer holidays for their kids.

It’s fine to do that with a nursery as you’re paying them - it’s a commercial contract. Not with family member doing it to be kind.

Exactly @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing, she's giving up her time to help them further their careers and save on nursery fees, not go out for a jolly. Plus they pretended to go to work, which suggests that they knew that they were taking the piss.

Having couples time together is a luxury when you have young children, because you're the default carers for them, not your Mum. Perhaps paying some nursery fees might make them realize this.

What a terribly manipulative post. No mention of the DD's or SIL's sneaky behaviour I see.

She's not doing anything extra
If she is so hateful at a young couple for taking an afternoon together
she needs to admit she isn't actually capable or happy
She's going to sour the relationship with this kind of resentment

Because OP is exhausted looking after two under-twos for three full days a week. She will look forward to the times that her DD and SIL take annual leave so she can have a rest. She has now discovered that they are using their annual leave, not to spend time with their children but to have days to themselves and they are keeping it secret from OP so that she still looks after the children.

They seem to have no empathy for OP and don't even consider the fact that OP is finding the arrangement very tiring. OP certainly isn't being hateful. I think that she feels a bit betrayed at the subterfuge and lying. It was very deceitful to drop the children off to OP dressed in their work clothes and pretending that they were going to work.

Most men do. A lot of men don't bother the first time and then have a convenient get out clause the second time. Son in law's dad is enjoying his retirement.

I was having them at a time agreed for them to work not go off on jollies.

I am not hateful at a young couple taking an afternoon together. I have done other childcare where they can go out for dinner etc.

OP this may be a good time to reevaluate what you want to do. If you did want to reduce your childcare this would be a fair enough reason and time to do this. Or you could ask them outright if they would prefer you did a day or two ad-hoc a month for them to go off and have time together. But basically it can’t be both.

She's not paid help. She is being taken advantage of by the parents, she's saved them money by caring for the children and not having the retirement she could be having. They should treat her with some respect because she is doing them a huge favour.

I've seen this quite a lot on MN at the moment and it's not on.

You retired to make yourself available to help (3 days of 2 under 3 is full on!) but FIL gets to retire with all the time in the world.

Free childcare isn't free but it's a lot less than what I had to pay. 3 year old is old enough for preschool which mine absolutely loved.

I'd sit down with both of them and say you're working so they can work. If they aren't working nor should you be.

Suggest alternatives such as FIL or preschool and give them till the end of August to find alternative childcare but also give them a firm deadline of when being taken advantage of will stop.

I would be honest and tell them it's got too much for you to cover childcare when they are working.

You could always offer to have them occasionally to let them go out for dinner/cinema etc if you wanted too.

You are not being unreasonable to feel taken advantage of if you are doing more childcare than feels comfortable for you and you were misled by your DD and her DH.
1.Decide what you are happy and comfortable to do in childcare. Say thats 2 days for essential reasons,let your DD and her DH know that.
2 Did you DD say why they misled you into believing they were at work whilst you cared for the children when they were not?
i think the issues are you are providing more childcare than you feel able to comfortably manage and feel misled and that trust has been betrayed .

65 is a good age to start your own retirement enjoyment. You've done enough scheduled childcare now, it's time for them to come up with another plan.