to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

It's the deception that's the problem isn't it. My kids are older now but when they were younger I did ask a few times if they could go to my parents whist we had an anniversary dinner etc. But my parents always knew we were going out, I didn't feel the need to lie to them. Looking after small children IS exhausting, and your DD shouldn't really ask unless it's necessary, and certainly shouldn't lie to you about the reason. I felt similarly aggrieved when a friend asked me to pick up her child from school one time and give them tea because she was delayed at work. When I dropped the child home later the husband told me my friend was out on having drinks after work!! Cheeky so and so. If she'd messaged saying, this has been arranged, I'd love to go, could you watch my kid after school etc, I'd have been happy to. But pretending it was a work delay was deceitful and made me unwilling to help in the future. Why not tell your DD you're happy to help when needed, for work, but if it's a social occasion you'd like to be told in advance because have a lot on/find it exhausting?

I can’t even imagine going off doing my own thing knowing my mum was stuck with kids and I certainly would have asked first. Op they taking advantage of you no other words can describe this set up.

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It's just deceitful. I just can't imagine anyone off having fun with their DH for a day out whilst their Mum in her 60s looking after two little children thinking she was helping out so you could work!

OP. I would be so hurt at the deceit, and personally I would have to have it out with them. And I would be saying that it's never going to be the same again, and you need to drop some days.

If someone lies to me to get me to do them a favour, including dressing up as though they were going to work to "strengthen" their lie, I'd never do that favour ever again. In fact I don't think I'd be able to speak to them for a good while, to process the deception & piss-taking. I'd be so angry & hurt.

Easy for me to say, I realise, and especially as in your case it's your daughter who has done this. I would at least make it very clear to them how hurt you are & that it was a very, very low trick to pull.

Id offer two days a week with a day in-between for you to rest.

Is it the case that you took a financial hit by retiring early to help with childcare that is the problem here? And instead of the parents actively using the time where you could otherwise be engaged in work and improving your financial position, they are using it to have cosy couple time? In that case, it's not the grandchildrens fault. I do think though that you need to point out that you took a financial hit so they wouldn't need too and that as a consequence, you do not expect your time to be wasted by them sneaking off to do non financial activities. It's quite one thing to be asked to do a Saturday night baby sitting but to just sneak about, it's quite underhand. What if something had happened to them or the kids while out? How would you know as neither you nor work would know where they are?

No doubt there were other days the OP didn't know about when the parents went back to bed or were not posting on sm. I would be cutting that child care time down.

I hope to help my kids with their children when I’m older, but there’s no way in hell I would look after 2 under 3 for 3 days a week. That’s hardcore! It’s bad enough at my age. YANBU and they shouldn’t have deceived you. They should look into tax-free childcare and free hours.

OP, you are 65, and should be living life on your terms now.

I personally couldn't have treated my mother this way, my sister neither. We both appreciated the odd bit of baby sitting but never had expectations beyond that - nor would have taken her up on any offer of regular childcare.

You know they have spectacularly taken the piss, so use this knowledge to assert yourself and say you can't do it anymore. 3 days a week for 2 under 3 will be very hard work, draining and will take a significant toll on you should you consider to honour this arrangement.

I wouldn't mention the deceit again, but simply explain that after (insert timeline) they need to find permanent alternative arrangements. How your daughter reacts to this news will inform you of how long they imagined you would keep doing this for.

I am furious for you, OP. Especially the sneaky and disingenuous way they went about it.

OP I can’t believe you have been treated so shoddily. I’m furious for you! Time to press the reset button. Say to them you’ve done your bit and it’s now time to stop. You don’t have to give them a reason/talk to them about their behaviour. I do a bit of grand-parenting but nothing like you. They have been so so lucky. I want to take you out for nice walk and a cheeky pint X

Well this certainly gives a new perspective on that slew of threads last week about grandparents having to provide childcare if they ever want to see their grandchildren/children or "bond" with them or dare to expect some kindness in their old age! Seems like you have to facilitate a romantic life for your grown children, too!

Too many adult-sized children having babies. So entitled.

I just cannot imagine the deceit of dropping them off dressed for work and pretending you were going doing a days work.

So unbelievably immature and underhand.
I actually would look at my daughter a bit differently.

To think the OP gave up her job and retired to be treated like that.
The sacrifice of retiring to be treated so shabily.

No good deed an all that.
The entitlement is off the scale.

It completely validates my close friends who only do occasional babysitting on their terms.

So you agree with the deceit and lying of the DD? You're of the same ilk going by your posts.

I guess because she knew her DM would say no, which is odd

In what was is it 'odd' to say no to childcare and let the child's actual parents mind them? Unfuckingbelievable.

I think that it's time you actually retired. That way you could enjoy spending the odd day with your grandchildren. Give the lm a couple of months notice and enjoy the summer. It's your turn now.

I had an amazing relationship with my grandparents...not once did they do childcare for me while my parents worked. We visited them, had sleepovers a few times a year once we got older, they visited us too and had dinner with us sometimes. Great relationship, zero childcare.

@zeezay you have definitely been taken advantage of, and it sounds as though you've had enough anyway of such full on childcare.
As a PP said, surely they are entitled to 30 hours free childcare as they're both working?
It's probably time to say to them that you aren't able to continue with the current arrangement because you are exhausted. Suggest that they look into their funded childcare options and you can then discuss if or how you can help out occasionally around that.

This is madness! I don't understand why they wouldn't just ask you! My DM looks after our DD two days a week whilst I'm at work (which is lovely and we are so grateful) but she is always happy to watch her an extra day here and there if me and DH have plans alone provided we give her notice. We wouldn't dream of deceiving her!!

30 hours of free childcare actually often isn't free.

They probably didn't ask because I am already doing a lot. I can't cover childcare for work and lots of social outings too.

Son in laws dad's is retired but they don't ask him because he wasn't 'hands on' when his DC were young.

A lot of childcare is common sense, and there's the Internet for instant knowledge!

Son-in-law's dad could absolutely do some childcare ...

@zeezay Even if the 30 hours aren't completely free, that doesn't mean that you have to provide all the childcare with no nursery at all. You're not the hired nanny, you're their Grandma and if you want to do less, give your DD a date by which they need to arrange alternative childcare.

If they have to pay, so be it. You've already saved them thousands.

Agreed, can't help but feel this sounds like a convenient cop-out for FIL...!

It's 30 hours 'free' term time only. If they need a private nursery thats open 8-6 for example, 30 hours covers 3 days for term time. If you stretch it over the year its just over 2 days a week 'free'. Probably with some top up fees for using the free hours. Even with the 'free' hours a full time nursery place can be almost £1K a month.

I'd be livid by the lying & deliberate deception. if they needed time out they could have explained & asked you to babysit in the evening, when hopefully kids are asleep. I'd be doubly angry as you gave up your income to do them this favour, They have been having days out literally at your expense.
I think, you sound as if it's too much with or without their subterfuge, they chose to have two kids & parenting simply goes with that.
The stupidity to boot, showing selfies of what a great time they are having on SM, while the village idiot is managing their kids for free, & thinks they are at work, hahaha, lets have another glass of wine.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'm guessing you are worrying that if you put your foot down they will sulk & no longer let you see the GC as punishment.
So I would say, you are going to go on holiday, (then, depending on how you feel, not go, if they discover say you changed your mind.) give them a week or so to get their child care sorted out.
When they say they can't get child care at short notice & can't afford it.
Just tilt your head, & say you are tired, you need a holiday, you'll see how you feel when you get back, that you feel abused used & cheated on by your closest family member, that it has hurt you to the core. You do not deserve that.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs Yes, the OP has literally saved them thousands of pounds already and it doesn't sound as if they fully appreciate this.