AIBU for stopping a nice Muslim girl from showing my son her hair?

[BeSpoonyRedCat]

It was on Monday after school, 10 year old DS, a very traditional 10 year old Muslim girl, and another 10 year old girl from my son's school were in the living room.

DS asked to see the Muslim girl's hair and she was actually about to show him. I stopped her, nothing dramatic. I basically said no sweetie, don't do that. I wasn't loud. Both girls looked like they wanted to laugh while my son looked annoyed. After I finished dropping the girls home, my son was all moody.

Yesterday he was still moody and I asked why he's upset. He basically explained that the Muslim girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. I said there's a reason for that. And I'm thankful my son didn't ask me the reason because I actually don't know.

From my perspective, I was being a responsible adult with my son and 2 girls under my supervision. I don't know the ramifications of that little girl showing my son her hair. I don't know if her parents would have been upset with her. I don't know if her parents would have banned my son from being friends with her. But I'm still wondering if I was dramatic.

Am I being unreasonable?

There was a muslim girl at my school who could go to other houses as long as she was with her cousin, and her family were strict.

Or perhaps the two girls at op's house were pretending they were at each others/somewhere else?

Or perhaps the parents themselves are under pressure from older family relatives to be more conservative, but don't actually police their child much outside of an outward show of faith.

I can easily think of a few scenarios, not sure why this is seen as so far outside the realms of possibility.

It's your son you should have spoken to about asking a girl to remove clothing or show him a part of her body.

Yes, he did.

But wouldn’t that it have been a good idea to explain to him that he shouldn’t ask to see body parts other people choose to keep covered?

I think they are 10 and you are unreasonably micromanaging your son and that child.

That I agree with!

That would have been such a good teaching moment! Although I understand that OP didn’t quite know how to react due to not being prepared for this. But sounds like it was very recent and her son still remembers, so she might still explain to him that it isn’t okay to ask people to see body parts they keep covered…

I think the OP shutting it down quickly and effectively was the right thing to do on her watch for the reasons she has said. Kids face peer pressure and sometimes don’t know how to handle it.

I also feel that if a child is wearing the headscarf, she should understand why she’s wearing it.

This is so odd. Just leave children to manage this sort of situation without your interference. She can decide for herself if she wants to. She lives in a country with conflicting messages, mum and dad who want her to cover her hair, but a society (friends, teachers, classmates) who make clear they don't believe this is necessary. She is free to follow either.

I think the fact that OP hasn’t responded to any of the comments regarding why the child was at her house in the first place mean this is utter bullshit.

She could have explained it away - I’m a childminder/the girl is my neighbour and mum had an emergency/other vague possibility. But no.

This is all made up nonsense.

It's a tricky one. There seems to be a suggestion from the OP here that 'nice' girls wouldn't which is a little problematic and confusing for the children. On the other hand, knowing that it might be difficult for the girl when she gets home if she mentions she removed her scarf, it's probably better to step in and prevent it happening. On balance, at this stage of development, the more helpful way to proceed is to prevent the action, not because it's necessarily intrinsically bad in an absolute sense but to save the girl from potentially upsetting her parents and getting into trouble.

All the children will have to make their own minds up about this issue as they grow up and trying to manage behaviour around this at a later age would be overbearing. I would try though not to make DS feel ashamed for his cultural faux pas. It sounds like innocent curiosity.

What about peer pressure? Being unprepared and feeling overwhelmed? Or even just the parents‘ possible reaction?

and would you feel the same way if he had asked her to remove any other item of clothing / reveal any other body part?

yes, hair may seems innocuous to most us. But it may not be to that girl or her parents. And OP assumed responsibility when she agreed to have those children spend time at her house.

I think erring on the side of caution when you're unsure is fine. You don't have to personally agree with it. You do need to tell your son to not ask any other child to remove any item of clothing.

Shouldn’t you have explained to your son that he shouldn’t have asked in the first place?

I think you did the right thing, your son shouldn't be asking any girl to show him any part of her body and that includes hair covered with a headscarf.

Really? Does the same apply to inappropriate touching? Would you say that it would be OK for a Muslim child to be disrespectful about Christianity?
This whole scenario seems unlikely but if it is true, the proper response is surely “No, don’t do that. Who wants an ice cream?” then have a conversation with the boy later.

Exactly !

I got the ick at you calling her “nice”

you did the right thing and need to keep teaching your son about informed consent

weird that you had a girl in your house but the parents are strangers ? Thats the weirdest part of your post

I would have done the same @BeSpoonyRedCat

OP, were you worried about the girl or about your son?

I find it interesting that you jumped in to tell the girl not to show her hair, rather than jumping in to tell your son not to ask girls to remove items of clothing.

Why is your son asking to see parts of a girl that he knows she keeps private?

Why is he sulking with you for stopping it?

Why didn't you chastise your son for asking rather than tell her not to show him?

If this really happened then you don't look like some kind of saviour here, your son just looks like another entitled man in the making, with a Mummy who shifts blame onto the girls every time.

So many iffy posts on MN, which I keep reporting, but MN likes to “give them the benefit of the doubt”, even when it’s clearly bollocks.

Hmm........why was your son so interested in seeing her hair especially as he knows that he would be the only boy to see it?

It sounds like something he'd brag about at school which could be bloody awful for her!

I'm glad you stopped him. Her choice of course but I don't think she considered the potential outcomes

So not your business.

These are all good points.
I'm amazed that it happened in the first place. Muslim parents, observant enough to give their 10 year old a hijab, allow her to go to play with a non Muslim boy at his home, with supervision they don't know about?
A Muslim girl about to remove her hijab at the boy's request, in spite of everything she has been told?

My best friend is Muslim and she doesn’t cover her hair. The hijab is not a religious item.

This says it all.