AIBU for stopping a nice Muslim girl from showing my son her hair?

[BeSpoonyRedCat]

It was on Monday after school, 10 year old DS, a very traditional 10 year old Muslim girl, and another 10 year old girl from my son's school were in the living room.

DS asked to see the Muslim girl's hair and she was actually about to show him. I stopped her, nothing dramatic. I basically said no sweetie, don't do that. I wasn't loud. Both girls looked like they wanted to laugh while my son looked annoyed. After I finished dropping the girls home, my son was all moody.

Yesterday he was still moody and I asked why he's upset. He basically explained that the Muslim girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. I said there's a reason for that. And I'm thankful my son didn't ask me the reason because I actually don't know.

From my perspective, I was being a responsible adult with my son and 2 girls under my supervision. I don't know the ramifications of that little girl showing my son her hair. I don't know if her parents would have been upset with her. I don't know if her parents would have banned my son from being friends with her. But I'm still wondering if I was dramatic.

Am I being unreasonable?

It looks weird anyway

10 year old girls should not be covering their hair.

At her age, it sounds like she wears it more for fun and so showing her hair probably isn’t the worse thing in the world.

However, I’m glad you gently stepped in because your son should not be asking girls to show him parts of their body and he is old enough to understand why it’s unacceptable.

I would have been disappointed with him and it’s probably worth another chat at home about what is and what isn’t acceptable.

How traditional are her parents?

Hmm not really, because her family (read father) don't want her to show her hair. It might drive some man, or 10 year old boy, wild with desire. This girl doesnt have the same autonomy that others do.

A 10 year old is covering her hair....

Or going to their house in fact…

Perhaps by telling her that she didn't have to show her hair you made her feel that it was wrong to show her hair to a boy, even though that’s what she wanted to do because that’s what felt right to her.

I think you were right. I fundamentally disagree with any religion or culture that requires women/girls to be covered to save men from lustful thoughts but your actions weren’t about agreeing with that belief. Your actions were about showing your son that he shouldn’t put others in an uncomfortable position and to show the girl that she is allowed to refuse any request that goes against her beliefs. You were low key about it, you didn’t shout or make a fuss or give a lecture, you just provided an opportunity for everyone to stop and to take the opportunity to re-think.

From what exactly?

I'd really love to know your answer to this question please!

Regardless of the reasons for covering their hair, one of the key reasons is modesty in the presence of men.

I'm always surprised how many people completely overlook, or are oblivious to, the fact that muslim women are not required to cover their hair in front of other women, and are allowed to touch other women.

Covering hair must be done in the presence of men. The purpose of the rule is to accomodate men.

Hmm.

If you are uncertain about whether you did the right thing, @BeSpoonyRedCat , wouldn't the simplest thing be to ask the girl's parents?

Surely it is very common to feel uncertainty about whether a child visiting your house is allowed to do such-and-such a thing - play with sticks, climb trees, watch a scary film, remove a headscarf, etc. You just check with their parents.

Making it more complicated than that seems either like virtue signalling or a preoccupation with problematising/othering Islamic observance.

10 years old is young to have hair covered. But she does. Your son should be told he shouldn’t be asking Muslim girls to show him their hair. The fact she might have been ok about doing it isn’t the point. He could end up causing issues for her and him. People will say that’s ridiculous and wrong but that’s the reality.

Ridiculous

If her parents found out about this the girl would be in a great deal of trouble.

I thought this too. As far as I’m aware Islam prohibits girls going to unrelated boys houses. My understanding is from one of my friends, she would never allow her female child to come to my house without her as my boys weren’t related, her child wore a head covering from around age 8 as she wanted to be like her mum.

From the disappointment and disproval from anyone in the girls family and the ramifications of that. She hasn't decided to cover up for fun, or come up with the idea herself. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Poor kid. She was probably relieved to be able to show off her hair in a different house, but then someone stopped her.

How oppressive.

There is no command in the Qur’an to wear a head covering, simply a command for both men and women to dress modestly. It is a cultural thing for women to cover their heads usually done in Muslim societies to curtail the freedom of women. It is a mediaeval practice common in most countries in the Middle Ages. Islam was very keen on the emancipation of women when it was founded. It has become so restrictive in many countries towards women. This is not Islamic.

She has the right to make the decision for herself.

I suppose Baroness Warsi, Shabana Mahmood, Mishal Husain etc etc didn't get the memo?

You can't possibly know that. I'm sure there are a whole range of possible reactions, depending on the variety and intensity of their faith, the dress culture they come from and - above all their individuality as parents and human beings.

Great! You reinforced the misogyny already heaped in this little girl & shamed her for wanting to uncover her hair. I'm not sure why you got involved? No one should be forced to cover their hair if they don't want to. Disappointing.

Such rage bait, OP. Well done you.

Your intention was to be respectful of the girl’s family and I would not analyse it any further than that. You did nothing wrong OP.