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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for stopping a nice Muslim girl from showing my son her hair?

108 replies

BeSpoonyRedCat · Yesterday 22:46

It was on Monday after school, 10 year old DS, a very traditional 10 year old Muslim girl, and another 10 year old girl from my son's school were in the living room.

DS asked to see the Muslim girl's hair and she was actually about to show him. I stopped her, nothing dramatic. I basically said no sweetie, don't do that. I wasn't loud. Both girls looked like they wanted to laugh while my son looked annoyed. After I finished dropping the girls home, my son was all moody.

Yesterday he was still moody and I asked why he's upset. He basically explained that the Muslim girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. I said there's a reason for that. And I'm thankful my son didn't ask me the reason because I actually don't know.

From my perspective, I was being a responsible adult with my son and 2 girls under my supervision. I don't know the ramifications of that little girl showing my son her hair. I don't know if her parents would have been upset with her. I don't know if her parents would have banned my son from being friends with her. But I'm still wondering if I was dramatic.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · Today 01:38

ToKittyornottoKitty · Yesterday 22:58

Her son didn’t persuade or coerce, he asked.

But as he sulked afterwards, presumably because of his DM stopping the girl, I do wonder if he would have also sulked if the girl had said no?

I think @BeSpoonyRedCat that you did the correct thing in gently letting the sweet girl know that it wasn't a good idea for her to show her hair to a male, as goodness knows if, or what, trouble that could have got the girl into. I also think that you should tell your DS that in the little girls religion, older girls and women have to cover up their hair because their "Bible", the Quran, says that they need to be more modest when not at home with their with family - hopefully your DS won't ask specifically for the age that becomes necessary for female Muslims, but if he does, you can quite honestly say that you don't know at what age that happens.

With some luck, your DS won't keep on asking you, but if he does, maybe you could say something like, you will try to find out more for him, and then discuss the issue with the people close to you, who love your son, and who's opinions you usually trust, and agree with.
However, you can, and hopefully did, explain to him about respecting other peoples minds and bodies, and that if they say no to something, or seem at all reluctant to show, do, or say something that he - or anyone else - has requested, then he is old enough now to understand that he mustn't try to cajole someone into doing what he wants, and that if they decline, he mustn't sulk, get angry, or show any other negative emotion, even if he is privately disappointed.

Of course, he must also know that he has the same rights himself, so if he wants to deny, or refuse anyone else, any access to his mind or body, he is perfectly right to do so. You could reiterate that his mind and body deserve the same respect, as anyone, and everyone, else. I think you would be ok to tell your 10 year old son - if you think he is mature enough to take on board what you are saying - that even though we should all respect another person's right to choose for themselves, you don't actually agree - obviously, only if you don't agree - that any community, or religious laws, not coming from within our own democratically elected Governments (over the years), should be able to make anyone within their 'imagined' jurisdiction, follow such controlling rules, and especially not just because they are either a female, or a male.

Sorry for that last paragraph - in particular - as I am struggling to understand what I am trying to say, so hopefully anyone still reading this has better comprehension skills than I seem to have at the moment! Unfortunately, when I try to improve it, it just gets worse, so I am giving up for now! Good luck OP, I think you are a great Mum, and also a very useful and helpful, member of 'The Village', Thank You xxx

ForCosyLion · Today 01:39

BerryTwister · Yesterday 23:38

OP who made you the boss? If she wanted to show him her hair, what right have you got to stop her? It’s only hair.

Virtue signalling 100%.

Who made OP the boss? Um, in that situation, OP was literally the boss. The little girl was in the care of the OP, given that the OP is the responsible adult and the child was a child! And adults spend much of the time with children under their care stopping them from making choices that might not be optimal.

ForCosyLion · Today 01:42

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · Today 01:38

But as he sulked afterwards, presumably because of his DM stopping the girl, I do wonder if he would have also sulked if the girl had said no?

I think @BeSpoonyRedCat that you did the correct thing in gently letting the sweet girl know that it wasn't a good idea for her to show her hair to a male, as goodness knows if, or what, trouble that could have got the girl into. I also think that you should tell your DS that in the little girls religion, older girls and women have to cover up their hair because their "Bible", the Quran, says that they need to be more modest when not at home with their with family - hopefully your DS won't ask specifically for the age that becomes necessary for female Muslims, but if he does, you can quite honestly say that you don't know at what age that happens.

With some luck, your DS won't keep on asking you, but if he does, maybe you could say something like, you will try to find out more for him, and then discuss the issue with the people close to you, who love your son, and who's opinions you usually trust, and agree with.
However, you can, and hopefully did, explain to him about respecting other peoples minds and bodies, and that if they say no to something, or seem at all reluctant to show, do, or say something that he - or anyone else - has requested, then he is old enough now to understand that he mustn't try to cajole someone into doing what he wants, and that if they decline, he mustn't sulk, get angry, or show any other negative emotion, even if he is privately disappointed.

Of course, he must also know that he has the same rights himself, so if he wants to deny, or refuse anyone else, any access to his mind or body, he is perfectly right to do so. You could reiterate that his mind and body deserve the same respect, as anyone, and everyone, else. I think you would be ok to tell your 10 year old son - if you think he is mature enough to take on board what you are saying - that even though we should all respect another person's right to choose for themselves, you don't actually agree - obviously, only if you don't agree - that any community, or religious laws, not coming from within our own democratically elected Governments (over the years), should be able to make anyone within their 'imagined' jurisdiction, follow such controlling rules, and especially not just because they are either a female, or a male.

Sorry for that last paragraph - in particular - as I am struggling to understand what I am trying to say, so hopefully anyone still reading this has better comprehension skills than I seem to have at the moment! Unfortunately, when I try to improve it, it just gets worse, so I am giving up for now! Good luck OP, I think you are a great Mum, and also a very useful and helpful, member of 'The Village', Thank You xxx

OP shouldn't verge into governments and saying their ways are controlling etc. The Muslim religion should be respected. Some people like to wear the headscarf because it's part of their spirituality.

BeSpoonyRedCat · Today 01:44

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · Today 01:38

But as he sulked afterwards, presumably because of his DM stopping the girl, I do wonder if he would have also sulked if the girl had said no?

I think @BeSpoonyRedCat that you did the correct thing in gently letting the sweet girl know that it wasn't a good idea for her to show her hair to a male, as goodness knows if, or what, trouble that could have got the girl into. I also think that you should tell your DS that in the little girls religion, older girls and women have to cover up their hair because their "Bible", the Quran, says that they need to be more modest when not at home with their with family - hopefully your DS won't ask specifically for the age that becomes necessary for female Muslims, but if he does, you can quite honestly say that you don't know at what age that happens.

With some luck, your DS won't keep on asking you, but if he does, maybe you could say something like, you will try to find out more for him, and then discuss the issue with the people close to you, who love your son, and who's opinions you usually trust, and agree with.
However, you can, and hopefully did, explain to him about respecting other peoples minds and bodies, and that if they say no to something, or seem at all reluctant to show, do, or say something that he - or anyone else - has requested, then he is old enough now to understand that he mustn't try to cajole someone into doing what he wants, and that if they decline, he mustn't sulk, get angry, or show any other negative emotion, even if he is privately disappointed.

Of course, he must also know that he has the same rights himself, so if he wants to deny, or refuse anyone else, any access to his mind or body, he is perfectly right to do so. You could reiterate that his mind and body deserve the same respect, as anyone, and everyone, else. I think you would be ok to tell your 10 year old son - if you think he is mature enough to take on board what you are saying - that even though we should all respect another person's right to choose for themselves, you don't actually agree - obviously, only if you don't agree - that any community, or religious laws, not coming from within our own democratically elected Governments (over the years), should be able to make anyone within their 'imagined' jurisdiction, follow such controlling rules, and especially not just because they are either a female, or a male.

Sorry for that last paragraph - in particular - as I am struggling to understand what I am trying to say, so hopefully anyone still reading this has better comprehension skills than I seem to have at the moment! Unfortunately, when I try to improve it, it just gets worse, so I am giving up for now! Good luck OP, I think you are a great Mum, and also a very useful and helpful, member of 'The Village', Thank You xxx

I read what you said.

OP posts:
Evidemment · Today 02:34

All the hand wringing comments in this thread are hilarious when you realise there is absolutely no way that there exists a muslim family intense enough in their values that their 10 year old is already in a hijab.. but they're OK with her going to a male friend's house unaccompanied.

This whole scenario collapses immediately.

Francestein · Today 02:58

I think it would be very wise to explain to your son that asking any girl to show any part of her body that is covered by any form of clothing is inappropriate and could get him in trouble. No girl is obliged to share any part of her body with him.

ValhallaCalling · Today 03:04

ForCosyLion · Today 01:35

That's generally the white Western view, yes. It's intolerant imo and makes no effort to understand another culture.

Do you call all protestations of things in other cultures white people believe to be harmful to women/children intolerant?

A child should not be under that much pressure to be modest, they are children.

pogletsbar · Today 03:14

Trint · Yesterday 23:18

There is no command in the Qur’an to wear a head covering, simply a command for both men and women to dress modestly. It is a cultural thing for women to cover their heads usually done in Muslim societies to curtail the freedom of women. It is a mediaeval practice common in most countries in the Middle Ages. Islam was very keen on the emancipation of women when it was founded. It has become so restrictive in many countries towards women. This is not Islamic.

She has the right to make the decision for herself.

Remember that Mohammad married a six year old, consummated ( raped) at 9😭

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