AIBU for stopping a nice Muslim girl from showing my son her hair?

[BeSpoonyRedCat]

It was on Monday after school, 10 year old DS, a very traditional 10 year old Muslim girl, and another 10 year old girl from my son's school were in the living room.

DS asked to see the Muslim girl's hair and she was actually about to show him. I stopped her, nothing dramatic. I basically said no sweetie, don't do that. I wasn't loud. Both girls looked like they wanted to laugh while my son looked annoyed. After I finished dropping the girls home, my son was all moody.

Yesterday he was still moody and I asked why he's upset. He basically explained that the Muslim girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. I said there's a reason for that. And I'm thankful my son didn't ask me the reason because I actually don't know.

From my perspective, I was being a responsible adult with my son and 2 girls under my supervision. I don't know the ramifications of that little girl showing my son her hair. I don't know if her parents would have been upset with her. I don't know if her parents would have banned my son from being friends with her. But I'm still wondering if I was dramatic.

Am I being unreasonable?

But as he sulked afterwards, presumably because of his DM stopping the girl, I do wonder if he would have also sulked if the girl had said no?

I think @BeSpoonyRedCat that you did the correct thing in gently letting the sweet girl know that it wasn't a good idea for her to show her hair to a male, as goodness knows if, or what, trouble that could have got the girl into. I also think that you should tell your DS that in the little girls religion, older girls and women have to cover up their hair because their "Bible", the Quran, says that they need to be more modest when not at home with their with family - hopefully your DS won't ask specifically for the age that becomes necessary for female Muslims, but if he does, you can quite honestly say that you don't know at what age that happens.

With some luck, your DS won't keep on asking you, but if he does, maybe you could say something like, you will try to find out more for him, and then discuss the issue with the people close to you, who love your son, and who's opinions you usually trust, and agree with.
However, you can, and hopefully did, explain to him about respecting other peoples minds and bodies, and that if they say no to something, or seem at all reluctant to show, do, or say something that he - or anyone else - has requested, then he is old enough now to understand that he mustn't try to cajole someone into doing what he wants, and that if they decline, he mustn't sulk, get angry, or show any other negative emotion, even if he is privately disappointed.

Of course, he must also know that he has the same rights himself, so if he wants to deny, or refuse anyone else, any access to his mind or body, he is perfectly right to do so. You could reiterate that his mind and body deserve the same respect, as anyone, and everyone, else. I think you would be ok to tell your 10 year old son - if you think he is mature enough to take on board what you are saying - that even though we should all respect another person's right to choose for themselves, you don't actually agree - obviously, only if you don't agree - that any community, or religious laws, not coming from within our own democratically elected Governments (over the years), should be able to make anyone within their 'imagined' jurisdiction, follow such controlling rules, and especially not just because they are either a female, or a male.

Sorry for that last paragraph - in particular - as I am struggling to understand what I am trying to say, so hopefully anyone still reading this has better comprehension skills than I seem to have at the moment! Unfortunately, when I try to improve it, it just gets worse, so I am giving up for now! Good luck OP, I think you are a great Mum, and also a very useful and helpful, member of 'The Village', Thank You xxx

Who made OP the boss? Um, in that situation, OP was literally the boss. The little girl was in the care of the OP, given that the OP is the responsible adult and the child was a child! And adults spend much of the time with children under their care stopping them from making choices that might not be optimal.

OP shouldn't verge into governments and saying their ways are controlling etc. The Muslim religion should be respected. Some people like to wear the headscarf because it's part of their spirituality.

I read what you said.

All the hand wringing comments in this thread are hilarious when you realise there is absolutely no way that there exists a muslim family intense enough in their values that their 10 year old is already in a hijab.. but they're OK with her going to a male friend's house unaccompanied.

This whole scenario collapses immediately.

I think it would be very wise to explain to your son that asking any girl to show any part of her body that is covered by any form of clothing is inappropriate and could get him in trouble. No girl is obliged to share any part of her body with him.

Do you call all protestations of things in other cultures white people believe to be harmful to women/children intolerant?

A child should not be under that much pressure to be modest, they are children.

It seriously doesn't matter what women wear. Men sexually assault and attack women regardless. There's a picture online that says:

"Was it my fault?" asked the short skirt

"No, it happened to me too" replied the burqa.

The nappy in the corner couldn't even speak.

I was sexually assaulted at work. I was wearing the ugliest uniform. Polo shirt, trousers, hi viz, steel capped boots. Men still regularly made comments on my body. It really doesn't matter what we wear

Good God!!
What absolute nonsence and i'd also add your hardly the feminist of the year

Well done for enforcing religious observance - of a religion that's not yours - on a child that's not yours. Applause, is it? Loud cheering, perhaps?

How weird.

Using "nice" in your title is patronising, if your issue had related to a Christian child you know you would not have prefaced it with "nice".

You have just reinforced to this child that it is is wrong for her to show her hair, which it isn't. You don't know why she is wearing it and what her parents attitude is to it.

You might have asked her what her parents expectations were and gently indicated that this should be followed but it feels very "white saviour" to bowl in with your assumptions.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

And no I am not going back to check if it was the OP who used the term "cultural sensitivity," but to me that is code for ''aren't you cute I am now going to patronise you and show you I know best'' maybe it shouldn't mean that and maybe people have genuine intentions but there is only so much white western people can put onto others

you’re missing the point. You’re replying to a poster who (like me) thinks the use of the word ‘protect’ is inappropriate. There was nothing putting her in danger that she needed ‘protected’ from

I'm not Muslim, so I'm taking religion out of it. But I don't think it's right that a boy should be pressuring a girl to take off part of her clothing so he can see what's under it. Males of every age should respect a females right to wear what she wants to wear and for her to be able to keep covered whatever part of their body they want to keep covered. A male doesn't get to pressure a female to remove parts of her clothing for any reason ( in general life, not as a medical thing with a doctor) .
I think that OP has done the right thing to tell her son that it's not acceptable behaviour. And I'm not just talking about asking to see private parts, if a female of any race or religion doesn't want to show any part of her body to someone else, for whatever reason, maybe she is self conscious about an aspect of that body part, she doesn't need to show it and no male should be pressuring her. Her body, her rules. No male has the right to see any part of her body if she doesn't consent .

Talking about modesty when referencing children is just wrong. Modesty? A child?

Like you I would be unsure of the rules and ramifications, but would have felt uncomfortable with the girl removing her head covering in those circumstances. As the supervising adult I think your instincts were right.

He asked and she was obliging? Op cannot police every single interaction her child has with his friends. Theyre obvious friends based on their previous interactions, the girl obviously enjoyed his company. He wasn’t presurising her, they’re young and just kids and curious

I am Muslim (though in my specific family I don’t cover my hair, members of my family do, I was always given the choice and those that do cover were never forced just fyi to some of the posters here with their assumptions) and I agree completely with this.

Ramifications? Obviously you know there would be a ceiling on what the ramifications could be in proportion to the ‘rule’ that was broken. How bad do you think the ramifications could have been?

This thread is seriously sinister. Ramifications? Modesty? For showing hair

I've seen nursery age Muslim girls in head scarfs.

I think you did the right thing OP, children should be comfortable not removing any clothing if they don't want to. Obvious exceptions for medical treatment, going swimming etc.

OP I have taught a lot of Muslim students and some of them have removed head coverings in my presence for various reasons, showing off a new hair do or because they are too hot or just because.

Then there was the one time I took a group to visit uni, and said to one, "You look different, have you had your hair done?"

The answer, "No miss, I'm not wearing a head scarf".

There's no point in half-arsing this. I hope you also informed the Muslim girl's parents that she was about to show her hair to a boy. They will want to make sure she doesn't do that again.